Why do I always lie to the doctor?
Off the top of my head, today I told at least 10 lies when I went in. I was only there for five minutes. I lied about:
- Wanting to S/H
- My eating pattern
- How my christmas was
- That I'd got in touch with the counselling service
- I didn't want to kill myself
- I don't think the drugs are having any effect (I do, I just don't think it's a positive one, and I know for certain if I said it was a negative effect they'd switch them)
- That I occasionally have happy days
- That I'm still functioning well*
- That I think it's a good idea to keep increasing my dosage
- That I'm happy taking these drugs all the freaking time.
*(Aside from today, when I've been very good and productive, I have absolutely failed over the last week. Today I have done all my washing, done all my washing up, have a gym induction, am planning some revision and have been to the doctors, more than I've done collectively since Christmas really)
It's just a thing, I can't go into a doctors office and tell them the truth, I don't know whether it's partly because I'm worried they'll say my biggest fear - 'You should try being an inpatient...' or if they'll laugh at me or what. I dunno. It's just horrible, I have all these things I want to say... Fuck it, I've got a word document planning it all out, suicide notes and songs I want at my funeral, the amount of drugs I need to get and where to do it! If that's not a bad thing then I don't know what is. Sigh.
Tea tonight was going to be cous cous stuffed peppers but I need to eat up my stir fry veg so I'm going to do a massive bowl of that and freeze some of it. I'll post again later with some thinspo and how the gym went. Peace out girls x