Thursday, 13 January 2011

Post GP visit musing

Why do I always lie to the doctor?

Off the top of my head, today I told at least 10 lies when I went in. I was only there for five minutes. I lied about:
- Wanting to S/H
- My eating pattern
- How my christmas was
- That I'd got in touch with the counselling service
- I didn't want to kill myself
- I don't think the drugs are having any effect (I do, I just don't think it's a positive one, and I know for certain if I said it was a negative effect they'd switch them)
- That I occasionally have happy days
- That I'm still functioning well*
- That I think it's a good idea to keep increasing my dosage
- That I'm happy taking these drugs all the freaking time.

*(Aside from today, when I've been very good and productive, I have absolutely failed over the last week. Today I have done all my washing, done all my washing up, have a gym induction, am planning some revision and have been to the doctors, more than I've done collectively since Christmas really)

It's just a thing, I can't go into a doctors office and tell them the truth, I don't know whether it's partly because I'm worried they'll say my biggest fear - 'You should try being an inpatient...' or if they'll laugh at me or what. I dunno. It's just horrible, I have all these things I want to say... Fuck it, I've got a word document planning it all out, suicide notes and songs I want at my funeral, the amount of drugs I need to get and where to do it! If that's not a bad thing then I don't know what is. Sigh.

Tea tonight was going to be cous cous stuffed peppers but I need to eat up my stir fry veg so I'm going to do a massive bowl of that and freeze some of it. I'll post again later with some thinspo and how the gym went. Peace out girls x


  1. Erm I don't know how old you are but in the UK, if you're an adult they only admit you if you are at imminent risk of killing yourself and it is only until you're stabilised, usually you wouldn't have therapy there it is just to contain you. In america then people get sent to inpatient for therapy because often it isn't available near them. So I don't really think they'd admit you, unless you asked to be.
    Also what is wrong with them switching your meds if these ones are making you more suicidal? Surely that'd be a good thing, then you might feel less depressed and less suicidal? It is important that you give your doctor real feedback as all drugs effect people differently.
    Sorry nagging..but I honestly don't see the harm in telling your GP the truth, I really don't think it will make things any worse xxx

  2. I'm 20. The thing that worries me the most (I know it's a fairly irrational fear!) is that they'll misunderstand what I say and think I'm worse than I am.
    Nothing, I think half the time it's just an excuse, which is quite sad really. I'm pretty sure that I've accepted that I'll kill myself before the age of 25 and I don't really care to change that. Bleurgh, depressing!
    I'll see how it goes this next couple of weeks

  3. I used to see a therapist and she pretty much kicked me out because I wasn't telling the truth, because I kept pretending that everything was fine, so I get where you're coming from. It's difficult to look into someone's eyes and tell them that you're not fine, but I really think you should try it! Give yourself a reward, something that makes you happy. And you may be surprised! Sometimes with meds, all it takes is a little tweaking and you feel great!

    Please take care!