Saturday, 27 August 2011


There once was a girl and a boy. They fell madly in love and soon began to spend every day together. When they were parted, they felt nothing but sadness. They laughed and smiled and played, and loved and lived. They were happy and others were jealous of their relationship. But soon, the boy began to tire of his princess and wished to leave the happy home they had. He tried to run without breaking her heart but she followed his every step, not wanting to be away from her prince. He tried to think on his own but found her in every thought he had.

Unwilling to upset his beloved, he carried on with his life in the little home they had together. He laughed and smiled and played, but no longer loved and lived. He merely existed. Though his princess had realised something had changed within him she was too consumed with her own pain to notice his. Eventually he could not stand to live a life in captivity with her any more and so one night, he told his princess that he didn't love her any more.

The princess stood and cried in disbelief that her handsome prince no longer wanted her. She begged and pleaded with him, and promised to be better. She gave up her habits for him and wished to only please him. She could not bear to see him slip through her fingers like so many others in her life had done. They argued and shouted and cried together, and neither loved or lived for a while. They called each other names; lazy, selfish, fat, arrogant, bitch, c**t. Yet neither meant a word of it... Both carried their own pains and the others for so long, it was a struggle to go on.  Both wished for a better life, yet had no means with which to make it. Both felt hopeless and alone. Yet they had each other.


I don't know how this ends and it's killing me. I don't think I've felt so much pain before. I don't want to lose him.

Just sad tonight. I dunno why.

Keep getting episodes of depersonalization which is freaky as fuck.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

I am never going to become this

(I'm thinking about doing something like this when I go back to uni, over the year. Take a photo every weekend and then make them into a slideshow before I leave for summer... Maybe. Will make me work harder!)

That's the end of the thinspo, apart from a really cool hair pic. Click back on your browser if you don't want to here about calories and hatred...

Things are not going well, at all. Clearly, when I am left to decide for myself what I should eat over two and a half friggin' days, I can not make the right decision. My shopping for being back in halls for resits:
- 2 ready meals (500+ cals each)
- 4 pork and pickle pies (300 cals each)
- Tub of mini sausage rolls, 24 pieces (35 cals each, so 840 all together)
- Bacon and leek quiche (916 cals all together)
- A bag of Skittles (712 cals... god, I can never eat them again)
- Two tubes of Munchies (266 each... 532 cals together)
- A bag of Penn State Sour Cream and Chive Pretzels (777 cal)
- A bottle of Frijj (450 cals)
- 2 pints of skimmed milk (5 calories? neglible)
- 3 bananas (large so like... 150 each... 450 cals)
- Small bottle of sparkling water (5 cals)
- Big bottle of water (n/a)
- Small pot of salad (100 cal? I dunno, I threw half away. Go figure.)
- A pack of cocktail sausages that I took one of and then threw away because they were really peppery and gross
- Several mugs of tea (10 cals, lol... purely because I have drunk a very large amount of tea!)
Edit... worked it out. Grand total was something like 6997, which makes 2333 a day ish. 

Not to mention the sandwich, hot chocolate, pretzels and drink I had on the train. That's like a weeks worth of food! FFS! Dunno whether to calculate my total or not... It might send me into a bit of a melt down. I already feel fragile :(

No wonder I feel bloated and crap, eh? Wish I had more clothes than just one pair of trousers so I could at least exercise or *something*. I'll go swimming when I get home. For certain. 

Me and BF made a pact. No SH for me, and no cigarettes for him. He didn't want to make it, but I needed to. Don't know why controlling someone else makes it easier to control myself... I think that's an even worse path to go down than not eating. God damn it, I really want to right now. Really, really want to. FUCK this lack of anything harmful. The most harmful thing I have here is a fucking plastic knife. Screw you. 

Random aside to the moaning and self hatred... I want this girls hair. It's amazing...

Sorry. I'll update with my current life story soon. But right now, I need to mope and be sad and stuff.

All photos are from the wonderful

Monday, 15 August 2011

I don't even know how but in three hours last night I inhaled:
- goats cheese stuffed peppers
- 3 mozzerella dippers
- mcchicken sandwich
- crunchie mcflurry
- banana bread
- half a medium pepperoni dominoes
- half a white chocolate lindt bar
- half a 1.25l bottle of full fat coke. I NEVER drink full fat coke.

I don't even...

Friday, 12 August 2011

Eaten 3/4s of a cheese jacket potato with a Kopparberg for lunch, dinner is roast chicken - someone please convince me that that's a normal intake. I'm not planning any snacks/dessert/more food after dinner. Why am I panicking over that? :S

(I have been reading blogs btw girls, so keep posting! I don't comment much nowadays though... or post myself. That'll change in September when I go back to uni, promise.)

Monday, 1 August 2011

Swings and roundabouts

Mainly swings though.

Down. down. down.





I feel so so fat.

Been watching loads of high school cheerleading shows/movies/videos. They're all prettier, better, skinnier and nicer looking than me.

I'm going on a bike ride so I can get out of the house and stop shouting at Andy. Plus also I need to shift some fat. Fatty. Though if I was really dedicated to not being such a lard arse I'd cycle out to the next village and go to that cake shop rather than the one 20 minutes from my house. FUCKING WEAK.