Friday, 30 December 2011

Hi, new depth of insanity

I think I've just hit an all time low.

I really really want a coffee maker, more specifically a Tassimo coffee maker. Can get a decent one for about £70... but I'm holding off buying it because I'm not 100% what the average calorie content of a coffee/hot drink made in one is and if they don't have skimmed milk pods, I'm not getting it.

I can not base life decisions on whether or not there's a low fat option >.<'

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Christmas photos...

None of people, I'm afraid. Just presents given and received. This might be a bit boring but it's a means of procrastination...

First off, presents I received from my parents (a few things are missing)
From the left hand side to the right, back to front;
- Large black overnight/weekend bag, which has some lovely (full sized, which is rare for gift sets!) Mandara Spa toiletries in. Gonna use this when I go visit my boy :)
- Dr Who Monopoly set
- Paperchase box (not a present) holding all my stocking fillers. Photo of them coming
- Hand made hot water bottle, my sister did everything on this herself apart from making the material and the actual hot water bottle.
- Set of organising books including a birthday book, an address book and a yearless diary
- Tea time cookie cutter set :D
- Ruby make up gift set, looks lovely but I haven't had a chance to have a proper look at it yet.
- Books; 'The cat who came for christmas' by Cleveland Amory which I've started but not got much into yet. Not my normal type of book but it's a pleasant read so far. Big book of cocktail recipes, again not had much of a read yet but it looks awesome on my flicking :D and Christopher Ransom's 'The people next door'. I haven't even read the blurb on this but for what I gather it's either a mystery or horror book. Should be decent!
- Inbetweeners Yearbook and DVD, gonna watch it with my Dad tonight maybe.
- China horse that goes with the two I got for my 21st and my christmas presents last year. It's very pretty :)
- Joggers, standard!
- PJs, again, pretty standard. Long sleeved which is great for me :)
- Cat trinket box thing, it's cute. From a German market I believe... will probably use it for jewellery as I currently have mine laying around at uni
- The four little black boxes contain a pandora *style* necklace and a few different beads to go on them. They're not expensive ones (as said by my Mum!) so I can wear them out and about and not worry about them. Perfect.
- Not pictured; massive light up make up mirror from No. 7. I'm in love with it!

Close up of the water bottle that I am in love with...

In my stocking was...

Lots of toiletries, some chocolate, a little purple tea light holder that looks beautiful when you put a light in (my mum has an orange one downstairs and it is really lovely) and a few little knick knack things. The magnet in the right corner says 'If at first you don't succeed, do it as your mother told you to' - my philosophy exactly ;) I also got a calendar and a pair of fluffy arm warmers in my stocking, but they're downstairs.

Lots of face masks in here! Happy about that, I really need to start a proper face care skin routine.

Now... sales shopping...

- Bag from H+M, £14.99 so not in the sale but I had a gift card for £30 from a relative so I used that.
- Make up bag/pencil case (undecided how I'm going to use it yet) from Paperchase
- Two boxes from Paperchase, the bigger one is going to have all my beauty products I think and the little one will sit on my desk with treats and sweets in *teehee*
- Going to put the tissue paper on my wardrobe wall to brighten my room up a bit
- Curling wand, wanted one for ages and this was half price at £20.49 so thought fuck it! It's a Babyliss one. From youtube videos I've come to the conclusion that 'Babyliss' in the UK is 'Conair' in America. Or, at the very least, the two curling wands are exactly the same. I've been experimenting with it and have yet to do it to a satisfactory level but I am getting better.

And now for the giving... only one picture unfortunately, and it's not all nicely bordered like the others, but this is the hamper I made my mum (I made my sister and her fiancĂ© one too, it was blue and gold instead of purple and gold).

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and got what you hoped for. Have a happy new year guys, I'll be back soon I think. 

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Monday, 26 December 2011

I'm fed up of everything being hard.

Comments reply;
Princess, tbh I'm not even certain what tumblr is XD I just use it to repost some lovely thinspo and get exercise ideas. It's easier to like/repost/post pictures on there than on here :) x

Friday, 16 December 2011

Annnnnd I'm outta here :D

Well, almost.

BF came over Wednesday and gave me the extra big suitcase I need to fit all my stuff in for christmas (oops. It's really heavy and it's going to be great fun getting it on a packed train... three times... yay?)... he was meant to go home Wednesday evening but he kinda stayed the night. I had nothing to do with that  ;) He said just before he left that I was 'better than [he] had expected'... apparently he was expecting a night of suicide attempts and self harming. That boy's such a charmer... as I explained to him, when I'm alone everything gets on top of me and I feel terrible. When I'm around him or other company, normally I'm fine unless I'm feeling really shit. I dunno. I can control myself around people.

I'm trying to find a new theme for my tumblr ( hmm. Thinking about paying for a premium one, nothing over £2 though. Any suggestions?

I really don't have much else to say. Sad times. Other than how frustrating it is to eat less and stay the same weight. I eat about 1100 calories a day now and I'm STILL 140lbs. WTF.

Also... I do still read your blogs. Honestly.

Friday, 9 December 2011


Massively over used title. Do I care? No, I'm a rebel see.

Cut yesterday. Bad me.

I have no idea what to do or where to go.

Who to talk to. Where to turn.

1) Doctor... effort and pointless as I'm out of here for a month next week
2) Counselling... similar. Been referred since October but haven't been yet
3) BF... not fair on him
4) Parents/family/friends... just no
5) The internet... a rather empty solution


Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Holy crap

As noted in my last post, I'm pretty much failing second year.

Got all my midterm results back now -
Psychobiology: D+ (49.5% of overall grade)
Research methods: C- (about 24% of overall grade)
Personality psychology: D+ (about 30% of overall grade)
Social psychology: A- (about 40% of overall grade)

Wait, what?


Couple that with my A for my assignment I've already done, and the assignment that I have to hand in this week that I'm pretty confident I can get at least a B in, and I'm on track for at least a B in that module. Which is more than I wanted (works out as a high 2:1)

Even better is the exam was split in half; 50% multiple choice and 50% essay. I got a C- on the multiple choice section with 24 out of 32 questions correct. Which means my essay must have been an A*. I've never got an A* for an essay before!

Monday, 5 December 2011

Fear, loathing and self hatred

So... I've been mainly hanging out on tumblr for the last few months. Hiding from the world under a completely new internet identity. I'm so rad that I don't even use proper grammar on tumblr, so I look younger and can't be linked to me (as I am a total grammar nazi in real life). Strange logic but logic none the less. I always think someone's going to recognise me off this blog because of my writing style... crazy, eh?

Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.

The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.

Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.

Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.

I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.

Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.

My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.

I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.

So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.