I need to go to the doctor...

But I'm scared and I don't want them to laugh at me and judge me and eurgh.

Dependency and loss

I am totally dependent on my boyfriend currently. He tells me when to eat, where to go, pushes me out of my comfort zone and holds me when it gets too much. Which is why it completely sucks that he's gone until Thursday for a training week away... I'm so paranoid and scared that he won't get home. Admittedly the fear is starting to subside as I know that he's made his outward journey fine, and knowing that he's training in his home town is definitely making things easier to deal with, but with him travelling back through London the day before the Olympics I can't help but be terrified at the possibility of another 7/7 attack happening. It consumes me at the moment; the idea that someone could do that again. I'm starting to feel easier about going to watch the show jumping next Tuesday as my excitement slowly rises but there's still the fact that I hate the underground normally, let alone when it's crowded and on a 'special' day, a time period where the whole world will be looking at our capital city and wondering if we're going to cock up/get blown up. I'm far too paranoid...

Today should've been the 22nd birthday of my friend who passed away. It seems crazy that she never got out of her teens but lived life to the fullest and loved everything she did, even with such a massive chance that tomorrow could be her last day. She never worried or spent her time looking into the past as I do... I feel, largely on days like today, that it was totally unfair for her to be taken (which I feel anytime I think of her) and I don't deserve the life I have, a life spent in hindsight and fear. I feel I should've learnt from her death that life is not permanent and that enjoyment and fulfillment are the best ways to conduct yourself, but I haven't. I continue to be afraid of the possible and unable to deal with the present. What point is there in her death if we don't learn from it? We can learn the basal things like how to deal with allergies, and how to provide better hospital care for allergic people but seemingly nothing will teach me to take my mind out of the past and the possibilities of what could happen. Live in the moment.

I'm feeling a bit alone right now. One of the people I would've called a best friend has deleted me on facebook; one no longer has my number in his phone and doesn't know who I am, one arranges meet ups and then blows me off and one other text me the other day for the first time in months just to tell me she's home for the weekend and can she have my dealers number. No mention of seeing each other and the the reply of 'I don't have any numbers any more cos I quit, wanna have coffee/drinks?' wasn't replied to. So I have my BF, and my other good friend, but no-one else it would seem. Sad.

I'm thinking about using this week to start writing a book in a similar style to Wintergirls, basically semi-autobiographical about living the way I do. In diary form I think... I'll set up a sister blog from this one and publish it on there. It'll be largely truthful but details may be changed, sometimes I might need to embellish for artistic licence... Just a distraction really. I've wanted to do it for ages but I've never had the chance to be alone with my laptop for so long.

Pros and cons

I was just going to do a list of things I'm scared of right now but I should probably do some things I'm not scared of too...

Ok, so. First cos they're easier...

Things I'm scared of
- Getting older
- Nuclear war
- The apocalypse (which I seem convinced is imminent)
- Death of anyone close to me
- Leaving my house
- Zombies
- Leaving uni
- Going back to uni
- Dogs
- Having too much fun
- Getting fat
- Getting too thin
- Living
- Dying
- Going crazy
- Driving long distances
- Having to go to the same job day in day out for the next 45 years
- Being a parent
- Not being able to get to a toilet in time (ew)
- Being away from my house for too long
- Interacting with people I don't know
- My cats dying
- Moving away from home
- Being unsuccessful in my life
- Losing the man I love
- Exercising
- Being out of control
- Hurting someone I love
- Showering
- Self harming again
- Terrorism
- Eating
- Eating around people in a restaurant

Things I'm not scared of
- Spending time on the internet
- The Sims 3 (occasionally)

Sigh.