I suck at updating

Sorry. Not much has been happening really... Moved back home from uni (well, almost) and I've got a few more assignments to complete before Tuesday... eeeeeek... My BF now lives with me.

Last cheerleading comp. did not go well, we came last and messed up really badly. Our co-ed team were 10 points off of 4th place and a trophy though, they did really well! I'm starting gymnastics next weekend hopefully so I can learn more tumbling and be a better cheerleading.

Weight wise I'm still stuck at between 146lbs and 142lbs, I can never seem to get below 140lbs :( I hope that once I've got my assignments handed in and my exam at the end of May done I can crack down and get some weight shifted. I get so frustrated with my body, not just weight wise but also the scars. I have a beautiful dress that I want to wear for my BFs Dads re-marriage on Sunday but I can't because my arms are still scarred and horrible from the last time I S/Ied. :(

I am currently...

Furiously applying for jobs. Anything that means I don't have to work with my douchebag of an ex all summer.

Looks like the boy might be coming to stay with us for a bit, as his mum hates him!

I don't blog as much as I used to

I dunno, I just feel like I'm a wannabe. Someone said to me the other day that I seem to parade my 'depression' around as a badge and all I want is attention. I say depression in inverted commas because they made it clear they thought I was nothing but an attention seeking and that I don't have any mental problems. I don't know how right they are?

Miranda Kerr

Isn't she just stunning? I mean, all the Angels are beautiful, but she's something else.

I don't normally 'like' models, as they always seem glum but she has such a sunny face! And she's married to Orlando Bloom... Lucky lady!

Doubts...

It's a horrible topic and I feel awful for writing this but right now I'm really starting to doubt being with my boyfriend. I love him, being with him makes me so happy and talking to him is the highlight of my day but sometimes... Idk. He tells me that he wants me to talk to him about everything I think about (cutting/depression wise) but then gets stressed with me when I do? I've said since it seems to upset or frustrate him then it'd be better if I just suffer in silence because right now recovery from self harm isn't going to happen. It's a coping mechanism that I've been using for nearly 5 years and so far the only thing that has changed is the fact that I have someone who loves my unconditionally which is starting to quell the suicidal thoughts but won't change the self harming tendencies. I know it hurts him that I don't respect myself enough to look after myself and not hurt myself but I know that eventually it'll stop. I'm just not strong enough to do it alone and when he gets stressed at me for talking about it I get more stressed out and want to do it more.

Like I said to him yesterday, I'm not a simple person to understand, and I don't even want him to understand it; I just want him to listen to me and not judge me for it. I know he doesn't mean it but it's hard to remember that at the time.

Youtube

I've made a youtube account/linked my blogger with a youtube of the same name tonight. (complexityreworked) I'm now busy watching thinspo and subbing to videos!

I'm back at home for a few days, I really don't know how I feel about this. I have no control here, and get really stressed all the time. But my flat currently makes me want to cry and hurt myself. I don't eat when I'm at uni any more if I don't have to.

Over 5100 calories...

I fail at life today.

Yes.

Over 5100 calories consumed.

I don't deserve to be here.