Thursday, 28 July 2011

So unfit

I went swimming today for the first time in ages. To begin with, I stood in the changing room thinking 'Do I really want to go out there with a nearly naked body, given that I'm flabby and scarred?' but eventually I pushed myself and got out there. Not much to some but given that last time I went swimming, I was smaller, more toned and only had a few scars that you could only really see if you were right up close it was a big step.

Anyway, I got in. And man, it was cold! Lovely on my sunburnt back though. Took a few minutes to just enjoy the water on my skin again - I love swimming, it's always my exercise of choice. I managed about two lengths until I started spluttering and dying. In the end after 20 minutes of pure hell I gave up and resigned myself to a life of fatness and coronary heart disease.

So I went to a pub, drank a shit load, ate nachos and came home feeling fat.

I'm currently wrestling with the code for my cheerleading squads new webpage. Why did I volunteer for this again?!

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Mad idea #54

... I book a few days off work and just get a late notice flight to Germany. Mong out in some gardens in some far away city and just chill. Forget the world and the stress and even my loved ones... Everyone has their happy place, right? That one country/city/town/village/street/house/park/place they can relax in and be free in. I long for the taste of freedom that being there can bring me.

£850 in my bank.

I leave tomorrow.


I fucking wish.

Friday, 22 July 2011


I have an 'emergency response plan' for when I get really depressed, I was made to write it last summer when I was at an outpatient day centre thing. I need to dig it out and read what to do when I feel like shit all the time and am sleeping for 14 hours a day. Because that's not cool. And that makes me miss work. Which makes me jobless. Which makes me poor. Sadness.

I'll apologise for the lack of decent posts recently again. Just... meh. All I want to do is sleep and eat and most of the time, eating wins out.

Massive life fail atm.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Moan moan moan

Sorry guys. I haven't posted much recently because tbh, everything I type comes out as just moany and horrible. I considered deleting this as well but... fuck it. Just skip over this rambling, nonsense, needy post.

Let's see, over the last two weeks I've...
1) Got so incredibly drunk I had to tell work I 'forgot' I was meant to be working and spent the next day throwing up
2) Attempted to get high
3) Spent about £250 that I don't have
4) Contemplated how shittily my life is going
5) Tried to do some revision/essay writing and failed
6) Got normally drunk three nights in a row
7) Made my room a mess
8) Slept.

:/ Mmm. I need to get money, get happier, and get thinner. No. I want money, I want to be happier, and I want to be thinner. Want want want. ME ME ME ME. I hate me. I hate the concept of 'me'. When I see kids in the supermarket crying because they want the brightly coloured sweets their mum won't buy for them, I get all teary. Fuck you, consumerist society. I remember clearly being 12 years old and my Mum spotting a t-shirt in New Look that said 'Saw it, wanted it, had a fit, got it' on. She laughed and bought me one as it was 'exactly my character'. Really? That's what I am? Needy and desperate and shit? There is nothing good in someone who acts like that. They have no redeeming qualities.

I need, practically, somewhere to live for the next year of uni, I need to revise for my exams and write my essay. I need to tidy my bedroom. Those are REAL priorities.

Andy said the other day... 'I like you because you don't care about whether people think you're fat or thin. You eat if you want to eat what's in front of you, without regard for what it is. I wouldn't like to be with someone who you go out to eat with and all they eat is a cucumber stick. I like girls who tuck into a good, rare steak. Like you' Does this guy actually know me?

Monday, 18 July 2011

Things I should probably stop consuming...

- Cheese
- Alcohol
- Chocolate
- Milk
- Food in general (?)

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Blah blah blah

Few random/small blog changes made. I really hate the theme/banner/colours of it atm but I have too many other things to stress about rather than an internet blog (hehe, that makes it sound like I actually care about this blog. Not at all. *Ninjas off to the side looking mournfully at the crappy looking blog*) such as resits and essays and weight and my overwhelming desire to consume Andy's body weight (230lbs) in all kinds of crap. Wooo massive run on sentence!

I really miss cheerleading.

And I really, really want to go travelling. Go and spend the last two months of my holiday in Germany/Holland/Luxembourg/Scandinavia and just live my life. Unfortunately I have a) two exams and an essay due by the 26th of August that I HAVE to pass or I'll get chucked off my uni course, b) no money and c) a job that requires me to work what they tell me to work. We're planning to go away for a few days after my resits and before I go back to uni but it's going to be like... 3 days at the most. Andy wants to go to Amsterdam and spend the three days stoned off his face; something I'm not against (he introduced me to the green stuff a month or so ago and I'm pretty chilled on the idea; it just doesn't seem to work on me) but something that just seems... Pointless to me. When I go on holiday I like to see the local area, go off the beaten track and get lost in a big city, try to speak the language and make a fool of myself when I get it wrong. I love feeling like a tiny speck of insignificance, that feeling you only really get when you're somewhere foreign and strange to you. In Britain, in London, even though it's massive, it's feasible for me to meet someone I know - I have friends (and people I hate!) at uni there, I have family around there, even in cities I've never visited I have 'connections' to people and places. Y'know? Rambling but hey.


I also want to redesign my room a bit... It's tiny and a boring shell colour on the walls. Hopefully I'm going to get a new wardrobe and/or some better storage but it needs a massive overhaul. I thought about painting on the walls or writing mottos or something but that seems a bit too... 15 yr old girl to me? Answers on a postcard please.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Lookbook and some uni news...

I made an account... here. Doubt I'll ever post anything because a) I have no fashion sense, b) I'm 30lbs heavier than every other girl on there and c) I don't spend much money on clothes nowadays. Maybe it's the vodka talking there!

Me and Andy keep fighting. Last night we had a blazing row and all manner of names were slung around, he called me (amongst other things) a 'heartbreaker, a selfish slag, a bitch and a r***rd (I know some people hate that word!)'. Mind you, I did go for the classic weakest point solution and told him he was a waste of space and he'd never do anything with his life. Turns out he'd spent the day in a bit of a depression worrying that he was going to be stuck in a crap job for the rest of his life. My bad. Unfortunately I have an uncanny ability to go for someone's deepest fears and regrets.

Must stop eating. My weight has stayed around 142lbs but I spend a lot of time eating junk atm. Today was half a Pizza Hut pizza, super noodles, chocolate, cheese, now vodka... Bleurgh.

On the uni front, I have to write a 1500 word essay by the 20th of August and do two exams some time at the end of August. I still technically have nowhere to live, but I'm getting closer to having somewhere to live!

Friday, 8 July 2011

Food porn

Made a malteaser cheesecake yesterday...


Some good food porn...

Thursday, 7 July 2011

100 posts

I wish it was a more positive one.

My uni results:

"You will shortly receive a letter detailing your progression options."

Ominous, no? I failed two core modules (by 3 and 4%, respectively) and a 20 credit module. By 13%. Unacceptable. 

The options are; AFAIK - 
1) Leave university.
2) Resit year 1. 
3) Resit those three modules alongside my year 2 work.
4) Resit those modules/take a 'make up' test in August.

1) and 2) would break my heart. In the UK, you can only get 4 years of funding for a university course; unless you're doing dentistry, medicine, vet medicine or architecture. Technically, I'm on my 2nd year of funding due to going to uni in 2008 and dropping out. I would not get funding for a resit year and I can't afford to pay myself through. 3) would be hard work, and unlikely. 4) is what I have my fingers crossed for. 

Girls, word of advice. If you go to uni, work hard. Don't get pregnant. Don't lay under your duvet in the mornings because the 10 minute walk to your test is just too long. Don't get complacent. Stay on top of your work, and revise hard. Don't be me.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011



Seems that spending three days eating very little with a stomach bug pays off. J/K :p

*Chants* "I will not pig out and put it on in a day again, I will not pig out and put it on in a day again"

I'm in an awesome mood (as I feel better, despite the fact that it came too late for me to go and see Hamlet tonight for FREE at the Globe :()

From here, no longer updated but has loads of lovely thinspo and reverse thinspo!

Monday, 4 July 2011

I hate having my plans messed with

I said to work yesterday that I could do a 9 - 6 tomorrow. No problem. Mid week, kids are still at school, Andy's at work, not a problem. They phoned me this morning and said I don't need to come in any more which is great because actually, it's Andy's day off tomorrow and we could do something! So I spent the day making plans, happy as anything, planned to have a few drinks tonight, wait for Andy, generally not worrying.

Got a phone call half an hour ago asking me back in tomorrow because they've made a mistake.


I don't wanna goooooo :*(

Friday, 1 July 2011

Don't you know?

You're beautiful <3