Wednesday, 27 October 2010

That didn't last long.

Sigh. Fast broken by 5pm.
Utter, utter failure. Can't even go 24 hours without ramming food down my fat throat.
Time to burn it off with some cheerleading, I guess.

Harder than it looks! 1/3

This whole water fast thing is really harder than it looks. I feel so weak and undeserving! I've not let anything other than water pass my lips for the last 16 hours and already I'm climbing the walls. I have cheerleading practice later right over tea time and plan to come back, watch some TV and get an early night so it's just the hard part of what to do with myself up until then!
I have to tidy my room and sort my clothes, shelf, food cupboard (yes, I have a food cupboard. I'm relying on it less and less now though) and I have a few assignments to do, so I should be kept busy. I sort of started sorting out my food cupboard the other day; threw out some chocolates that I really don't need and some rock that I got bought by a friend. Depending on how the next 3 days go, I may up it to a 7 day fast. This is mainly just to kick start my metabolism though, and to give me a bit of a boost!
I went to the grocery store today, I managed to stick to my list mainly, but I bought a lot of store cupboard items; nothing goes out of date before the second week of November (apart from chicken/bacon things, but they've gone in the freezer). Which is just perfect for my fast! I have a variety of low cal things now that can just sit in the fridge until I'm ready to eat them. When I deserve them... I also bought a shed load of diet coke, (32 cans!) and 6 litres of water. I'll need to get more water eventually but I'm pretty set now for coke, lol! I also bought as a little treat two small - 69 calorie - MilkyWay bars.
I'm really pleased with myself so far, it may not seem like much as it's just the first day but already I've resisted breakfast, free cheese in the supermarket (dairy - my downfall!), lunch, sandwich bites, cocktail sausages and various other little bits. My stomach keeps protesting but I know this is for a greater good :) I've also done a fair bit of exercise already, walking the shopping back took 20 minutes and I was nearly dying by the end, lugging over 10 litres worth of liquid up a hill, plus all the groceries I bought! Not something I wish to repeat in the future.
Some thinspo to remind me why I'm doing this again:

Let's try a new tactic here...

I've figured something out. Something monumental.

When I eat in the morning, I will almost certainly binge and go over 2000 cals.

When I don't eat in the morning, but do eat, I tend to eat lots of junk or sugary crap that I shouldn't and then go close to 2000 cals. I feel guilty and I don't stop eating.

When I don't eat at all, until the point that the little voice in my head manages to convince me to eat something - even if it's just some celery or something - I can go forever without food. But the second I eat anything, that's it. Lost.

There we go then. From tomorrow, the fast starts. 3 days. Go! I'll be tracking my thoughts and progress here.

First post - goals, aims, dreams

For my first post I'm going to set out what I wish to a) achieve with this blog, b) achieve within myself in the short term and c) achieve within myself in the long term.
This blog
I want this blog to be somewhere I can record my thoughts, feelings, calorie intake, thinspo I love, anger, frustration, achievements and successes. I want to try and update at least three times a week. I don't want to influence others or encourage eating disorders. I don't want to have to force myself to update this. I don't want abuse or people telling me I'm wrong for thinking the way I do. I have a therapist for that. Occasionally I might ask for advice or for help on something; but generally it's going to be personal and rhetorical. Comment if you find something interesting, fancy debate or have something to share - but remember the adage of 'if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all'. We're all trying to get through this world with as few problems as possible after all.
I set this up on the 26th of October 2010. That's exactly 7 months before my 21st birthday.
Short term goals
I want to be 134lbs by Christmas. That's 2 months and 8 lbs. I currently weigh 142lbs after Freshers Week. I need to stop using that as an excuse and take the kick up the arse that I've needed all along. I want to do this by restricting, upping my exercise (currently I cheerlead twice a week. It's not incredibly strenuous) and doing fasts occasionally. I am under no illusions, it won't be fun, and it won't be pretty. But it'll sure as hell be worth it.
Long term goals
Honestly, I don't think I currently have a long term goal. I'd love, love, LOVE to be under 9 stone (that's 126lbs), closer to 8. I want to be a size 10. I want to fit into itty bitty dresses and shorts and look good. And I want a gap between my thighs when I sit down/stand up/walk. I hate that! I want to look fit and healthy as well as thin, which is why exercise is a huge part of my plan.
And some day... some day, I want to be happy.
Today's thinspo: