Friday, 24 December 2010

Merry Christmas Everyone

Sorry I haven't updated much recently. I'll update more in the new year.

Have a good christmas everyone :) Peace and love

<3 x

Thursday, 2 December 2010


*Bangs head into desk*

I am an utter life fail.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate that I have no courage any more.

I hate that I have no conviction.

I hate that I don't follow through with what I say.

I hate that I push people away when I need them the most.

I hate that I'm curious and will push an issue when it's clear that the other person doesn't want to talk about it.

I hate that I'm a hypocrite.

I hate that the new drugs have taken my emotions.

I hate that I don't even want to S/H any more because fuck it, it made me feel good.

I hate that I doubt him and his intentions.

I hate that Christmas is coming.

I hate being alive.

I hate being fat.

I hate that he likes my body.

Monday, 22 November 2010

10 things

About me. Stolen shamelessly from danae's blog via Patience's blog.

10 rather uninteresting facts about me...
1) I've always wanted to spend my life helping people. I've toyed with the idea of being a nurse, a paramedic, a doctor (too boring, lol), a psychiatrist, a therapist. I've now settled on an eating disorders counsellor. Odd. I think my mental health though might be the only thing to stop me.
2) I'm originally from London, but I currently reside in Wales.
3) I love dairy. Like, seriously. I would die without it - it makes up far too much of my diet.
4) I get obsessed with things like sports or TV shows or books randomly for a month or two, then I drop them and spend a year not even bothering with them before going back again.
5) I can't draw to save my life but I love it and I wish I could.
6) A guy who can play an instrument is incredibly sexy. Especially if it's classical piano.
7) My favourite animals are horses and foxes. No, I don't support fox hunting.
8) I hate people touching my knees and my back. Argh. Makes me shiver to think of it!
9) I used to be a dancer, I gave it up for horse riding as my parents said I could get a horse on loan if I stopped (they couldn't afford both). The horse never appeared, and I lost the one thing I was fairly decent at.
10) I like writing lists, it's the best procrastination method ever!

Go on, if you haven't done it already, do it!

Busted scales

Aren't busted scales lovely?
I walked in to an irate flatmate yesterday. She'd been home for the weekend and weighed herself on her parents scales - they read half a stone heavier than mine at uni do. Oops.
I don't trust my scales at all! My other flatmate has some electronic ones but they only weigh in KG. I hate KG.
Weight today: 10 stone dead. BMI: 22.6
(Having had lunch - a potato waffle with a shit load of cheese on - and a coffee already, as I got up late)
Not good enough! Circuits tonight, should be good. Not sure when to eat? I've got half a tin of spaghetti in the fridge, so I'll have that, probably with some toast.
I'm thinking about following the ABC until I go home for christmas... Hmm. Or some other diet? I don't want to lose too much, just want to be 132lbs (my lowest weight to date) by Christmas Day - any more and I get family bitching at me.
I also have a dilemma; I need to measure myself for my cheerleading uniform but if I do it now - at hopefully what is a higher weight, it won't fit come February and the competitions. Hmm.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Zombie brain fog

The zombie brain fog has started. I got up nearly two hours ago and so far I have - put a dressing gown on, made a cup of tea, toasted a slice of bread (which I ate two bites of because it tasted rank and I couldn't eat it properly from lack of saliva, nice; so guess today will be standing at that...) sat on a chair, listened to music, said goodbye to my boyfriend and relocated to my bedroom. I can't think straight, everything is a massive effort, I feel really spacey and if I stand up for too long I get dizzy. If I lie down for too long I start to feel really sick.
I had work I needed to do today but I don't think that's going to happen.
I've noticed that I'm getting more anxious and starting to worry and panic about things that would never have bothered me before; last night I lay in bed and was having a panic about cheerleading tomorrow as I don't know the dance and can't do the stunts. It doesn't matter; we've only just started learning them, but still - apparently logic doesn't matter to my brain.
According to my busted scales that I don't trust, I've hit 10stone (140lbs) :) Small positives! Being 134lbs or below before Christmas seems more attainable now. We were going to go to boxercise last night but we got there and the instructor told us it was for people who'd been before only, so we got turned away. Sigh. Circuits on Monday though.

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Eurgh, I feel like crap.

A lot has happened since I last posted.
I self harmed again. That's a biggy, I guess. Went for my thigh this time as I'm going home in two weeks and it's pretty much the only part of me that my parents won't be looking at. Also, it seemed easier to 'work on' - well, yes it was. The cuts are much deeper than normal. I'm very lucky not to have got too far down. It was that or jump off a bridge into the ocean... Sounds dramatic but Tuesday night was long and far too reminiscent of the night I OD'ed the second time. There was planning and note writing involved. Not good. In the end I settled for going at my leg and waiting til morning to see if my feelings changed.
Yesterday, the day after, I went to the doctors. We had a long chat about killing myself would be damn stupid and how I have to actually put some work into recovering - I can't just chuck a pill down my neck once a day and hope that it works somehow. So, in a blackmail, black market kind of deal, I've been put on Sertraline on the condition that I reapply for counselling. Yay. The email has been sent; I'm very much hoping that they'll say the waiting list is too long and I can't come back. The GP said if that happens then I'll have to go down to the MH team in town which is a trek though.
The new pills are making me very tired, I can't think straight and I feel somewhat like a zombie. I spent the last 24 hours feeling very nauseous and with a cracking headache, which I can feel coming back again. I keep spacing out and my mouth is like the Sahara. Yay me.
My appetite has pretty much gone :p :D

Monday, 15 November 2010


Just can't stop stuffing my face.
I can't stop the S/H urges either.

If there wasn't so much at stake... i.e. him... I wouldn't be holding back. I crave SH right now.

Fuck it all

All my life is is one mistake after another. One screw up then another. One wrong word and then another. I can't do anything right and I just push away the people I love. I can't live like this forever, I don't know what to do any more.

GP phone call tomorrow I think :*(

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Having a couple of days break...

New diet - 2468 diet - starts in all earnest on Monday. Until then I'm just going to watch what I eat and drink this weekend, as I'm going to a friends house and it's unfair to force my diet habits on them. 

Long train journey mind. Sigh. 

I <3 this

Tuesday, 9 November 2010


That's all I have for today. Just bleh. Exam stress again.
Did ok for eating, stayed under 700 then pigged out again when I was revising. In my defence... fuck it, I don't have a defence.
I'm going to bed.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Learnt that lesson..

Don't leave your thinspo files in full view on your computer, people will find them. Sigh. Nothing's been mentioned though it's clear that the entire folder (which is a sub folder in a folder of pictures of me for progress) has been looked through... Eep. My fault for forgetting to hide it! ¬.¬
Anyway. Good day today :) Did a full three hours of cheerleading (I'm on the all girls team now :D Like I said before, it's not as serious as American cheerleading but we do games, pom dance and competition squad; I'll be doing as much as I can as I love it!)
Food wise, been very good today, sitting at about 650 calories and I'm more than happy with that :) Avoided eating all afternoon as I was at try-outs, and then I had half a kiev and a potato waffle with cheese on (I really must stop eating so much of it...) for tea. Two malted milks and a hot chocolate - Options, 40 cal - later and I'm done for the day. More than happy. Done lots of exercise and been out with my flatmates taking light photography, which didn't work particularly well but was cold and energetic so I'm ok with it. And it stopped me sitting in and just eating! 
Still incredibly stressed about tomorrow, Tuesday and Thursday though. I hate exams. So much pressure.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Carb Binge

Yay. Spent the last 3 hours chain eating carbs. Go me. 


And all this exam stress is making me want to cut again. 

A mixed bag

Yesterday and today have been mixed bags really.

Yesterday was going great. I had two pieces of brown bread with Philadelphia light on for lunch and then stopped eating. I then... unfortunately... started drinking. Cider. Sweet cider. Toffee apple flavour to be precise! I'm estimating that I had at least 4 bottles, I opened 5 but I think at least one of them got drunk by my BF/spilt on me/spilt on the floor/tipped away as I'd got a bit light headed. I also had a cherry bomb in the club we went to but I'm not going to count that. Then, in true drunken madness style, I went to a fish and chip shop at the end of the night and ordered chips, cheese and gravy. What can I say? It was a stressful evening out! Some guy tried to start on two of my flatmates which sent me off into a panic so I didn't really have a chance to relax and enjoy the evening as I should have. I can not stand fighting, especially not fighting just for the sake of it, which is what he was going for. Literally, no joke, he was totally unprovoked in trying to start on my friends. I don't trust people in clubs any more. So yeah.

Yesterday was going well until the drinking started. After that, I reckon I went from 250 calories for the day to over 1600. My daily goal on MyPlate is under 1200, my personal goal is under 800. I feel sickened at myself. I didn't eat all the chips - only about half - but they were a big portion and COVERED in cheese and gravy sauce. How I managed to get it down my throat without throwing up I don't know. Disgusting. 

Anyway. Today has been good. Spent the morning in bed with the boy, spent the afternoon in the kitchen. He cooked us a lunch of sausages in rolls with cheese, very nommy. I also had the rest of the spaghetti that I opened the other night with some cheese in it. I really need to stop eating cheese! And a cup of tea. Mmmm tea. That's me done for the day! MyPlate says I've consumed 869 calories from that lot but it seems awfully high? Mmm I dunno. Who knows! I haven't had a chance to do any exercise yet but I need to go through the cheer dance a few times and then I'll do my stretches etc. But first I need to finish my revision! Exam on Tuesday and I've only been through a fifth of the content so far. It should take my mind off of food and last nights events though so I don't mind. Plus I love my subject and the stuff that I'm revising so it's not too much of a hard ship! 

I have cheerleading 'try outs' tomorrow (note, as I'm UK based and at university, it's not as stressful or competitive as the American side of things) - basically to put us all on a competition squad if we're good enough. I hope I am. Tumbling and dancing I can do; the stunting scares me. Eep.

Keep on trucking:

Friday, 5 November 2010

Remember, remember

the fifth of November, 
gun powder, treason and plot.

I love this time of year. Time to wrap up warm, grab a nice hot cup of tea and bunker down. 

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Turns out blogging is harder work than it seems

...As is staying on track. Sigh.
I blame the hormones; they are my excuse for the last week. I cut again. 70 days in recovery and I relapsed like a bitch. Horrible. At least three of them are definitely going to scar so that's going to suck! Oh well. Moving on.
Food wise I've been eating like a pig for the last week. Again, this is blatantly due to hormones. I always get hungry the week before my period arrives. Yay me! Double bloating. Sigh. Butttt generally I get 3 weeks out of 4 where I can control myself and either restrict or just not eat so it's all good :) Today I've done pretty well and stayed under 1000 calories, even having a can of Fanta (I normally only drink diet soft drinks; I have 5 cans of Fanta Fruit Twist left that are my 'rewards' today I've had one for not eating more than 600 calories).
A few rules:
I will no longer eat solid food between the hours of 6pm and 8am.
I will now only drink once a week. Clear spirits only.
I will no longer sit and eat an entire packet of chocolate fingers in half an hour.
I will only eat chocolate/crisps/sweets/anything not healthy when I cannot get out of it.
I will no longer buy the above.
I will do my stretches every day at some point.
Thinspo time:

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

That didn't last long.

Sigh. Fast broken by 5pm.
Utter, utter failure. Can't even go 24 hours without ramming food down my fat throat.
Time to burn it off with some cheerleading, I guess.

Harder than it looks! 1/3

This whole water fast thing is really harder than it looks. I feel so weak and undeserving! I've not let anything other than water pass my lips for the last 16 hours and already I'm climbing the walls. I have cheerleading practice later right over tea time and plan to come back, watch some TV and get an early night so it's just the hard part of what to do with myself up until then!
I have to tidy my room and sort my clothes, shelf, food cupboard (yes, I have a food cupboard. I'm relying on it less and less now though) and I have a few assignments to do, so I should be kept busy. I sort of started sorting out my food cupboard the other day; threw out some chocolates that I really don't need and some rock that I got bought by a friend. Depending on how the next 3 days go, I may up it to a 7 day fast. This is mainly just to kick start my metabolism though, and to give me a bit of a boost!
I went to the grocery store today, I managed to stick to my list mainly, but I bought a lot of store cupboard items; nothing goes out of date before the second week of November (apart from chicken/bacon things, but they've gone in the freezer). Which is just perfect for my fast! I have a variety of low cal things now that can just sit in the fridge until I'm ready to eat them. When I deserve them... I also bought a shed load of diet coke, (32 cans!) and 6 litres of water. I'll need to get more water eventually but I'm pretty set now for coke, lol! I also bought as a little treat two small - 69 calorie - MilkyWay bars.
I'm really pleased with myself so far, it may not seem like much as it's just the first day but already I've resisted breakfast, free cheese in the supermarket (dairy - my downfall!), lunch, sandwich bites, cocktail sausages and various other little bits. My stomach keeps protesting but I know this is for a greater good :) I've also done a fair bit of exercise already, walking the shopping back took 20 minutes and I was nearly dying by the end, lugging over 10 litres worth of liquid up a hill, plus all the groceries I bought! Not something I wish to repeat in the future.
Some thinspo to remind me why I'm doing this again:

Let's try a new tactic here...

I've figured something out. Something monumental.

When I eat in the morning, I will almost certainly binge and go over 2000 cals.

When I don't eat in the morning, but do eat, I tend to eat lots of junk or sugary crap that I shouldn't and then go close to 2000 cals. I feel guilty and I don't stop eating.

When I don't eat at all, until the point that the little voice in my head manages to convince me to eat something - even if it's just some celery or something - I can go forever without food. But the second I eat anything, that's it. Lost.

There we go then. From tomorrow, the fast starts. 3 days. Go! I'll be tracking my thoughts and progress here.

First post - goals, aims, dreams

For my first post I'm going to set out what I wish to a) achieve with this blog, b) achieve within myself in the short term and c) achieve within myself in the long term.
This blog
I want this blog to be somewhere I can record my thoughts, feelings, calorie intake, thinspo I love, anger, frustration, achievements and successes. I want to try and update at least three times a week. I don't want to influence others or encourage eating disorders. I don't want to have to force myself to update this. I don't want abuse or people telling me I'm wrong for thinking the way I do. I have a therapist for that. Occasionally I might ask for advice or for help on something; but generally it's going to be personal and rhetorical. Comment if you find something interesting, fancy debate or have something to share - but remember the adage of 'if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all'. We're all trying to get through this world with as few problems as possible after all.
I set this up on the 26th of October 2010. That's exactly 7 months before my 21st birthday.
Short term goals
I want to be 134lbs by Christmas. That's 2 months and 8 lbs. I currently weigh 142lbs after Freshers Week. I need to stop using that as an excuse and take the kick up the arse that I've needed all along. I want to do this by restricting, upping my exercise (currently I cheerlead twice a week. It's not incredibly strenuous) and doing fasts occasionally. I am under no illusions, it won't be fun, and it won't be pretty. But it'll sure as hell be worth it.
Long term goals
Honestly, I don't think I currently have a long term goal. I'd love, love, LOVE to be under 9 stone (that's 126lbs), closer to 8. I want to be a size 10. I want to fit into itty bitty dresses and shorts and look good. And I want a gap between my thighs when I sit down/stand up/walk. I hate that! I want to look fit and healthy as well as thin, which is why exercise is a huge part of my plan.
And some day... some day, I want to be happy.
Today's thinspo: