Monday, 13 February 2012

To add to my post from Sunday

This is what I need to do between now and going home for Easter at the end of March:

- Lectures as usual (16 hours a week if I go to them all)
- Try and get a doctors appointment and sort my life out
- Hopefully start counselling
- Sort out my house; there's still a lot of problems with it and the other house mates
- Dissertation meetings and ethics forms
- 3 blog posts and 18 comments for my stats class
- Go to the disability office and see if they can help me out with my 9ams/lack of motivation/just shitness
- 4 midterm exams
- 2 cheerleading competitions
- Learn the pom dance routine and have it perfect
- Improve cheerleading routine so it's better for last comp
- 2 assignments
- Apply for a job being a warden next year
- Cheerleading and gymnastics training
- Mentoring kids in schools (only two more of those left though)
- Try to stay alive and smoke/alcohol/cut/binge/starve free
- Get my sister and dad a birthday present

Out of all of those, this week I have:
- A 9am tomorrow that I have to attend
- A meeting with my estate agent (again, tomorrow morning, so I'm double booked)
- Go to town, return my broken bag from H+M, pick up my cheerleading top, get money out for my pom dance costume and sort out the gas bill even though I'm still waiting for the money from one guy
- Read a 25 page long paper for our dissertation meeting on Wednesday
- Go and see my tutor to collect my semester 1 results and see if I have to retake anything
- Go to the disability office
- Try and get the GP appointment
- Write my blog before Saturday
- Start revising for midterms
- Finish 1 assignment and start the next
- Finish my job app.
- Cheer training every night
- Comp on Sunday, leaving here at 3:30am, competing at 8:30am and 1pm and then getting back here at about 11pm (then a 9am lecture on Monday)

I don't think I can do this. So much stuff to do. I can't even share some of it out... there was going to be more but I managed to say no to it. Arghhhh :(

Sunday, 12 February 2012

I need to stop watching shows like The Biggest Loser

because it triggers me so much. For these reasons:

- Watching the numbers on the scale at the weigh in go down so fast (especially in the first few episodes)
- Seeing how hard they exercise
- Wondering about what they eat and how long they exercise for
- Looking at them as a form of reverse thinspo

Seriously, 22lbs weightloss in ONE week?! That's insane. 22lbs weightloss would take me to my UGW. In total each team lost 104lbs between them, that's the weight that some healthy people weigh. Fuck, some healthy people weigh less than that.

My brain just exploded. And now I want to work out until I throw up.

Not sure how much longer I can hold on any more...

Everything is so stressful...

Uni work is hard and there's so much to do that I don't know where to start so I don't start it at all.

Cheerleading is going terribly and we have a comp next weekend and the weekend after that.

I can't see my boyfriend for Valentines day (even though neither of us really care about it) as I have cheer practice tomorrow night, and a lecture on Wednesday at 9am so I can't get there and back in time.

I haven't seen my family in months and will miss my Dads and sisters birthdays in April because of cheerleading.

I can't start any meds until at least March because of cheerleading and exams.

I got bumped down the counselling waiting list because I didn't get the email with my appointment in.

My laptop died just after Christmas and wiped my hard drive so I can't update the website I built for our cheerleading squad or update my iPod with the 6 CDs, including running tracks, that I've bought since then.

All I can think about is food.

I keep bingeing randomly but because I can't purge I'm gaining weight.

I see nothing good in myself and just want to curl up and cry all the time

And to top it of... I'm still fucking fat.

God I hate life.