Look at the stars, look how they shine for you...

Have I used that as a title before? It feels like I have. I'll never admit it aloud but Yellow and The Scientist are two of my favourite songs...

All that is on my mind right now - OmgIreallydon'twanttogobacktouni and Holyfuckingshittheoutsideworldisfartooscarytoassociatewith.

Neurgh.

I really don't want to go :( I feel like I'm on a moutain side again, with the mountain slowly slipping away under my feet as I try to turn and run (unsuccessfully) so all I can do is wait for the abyss to swallow me up.

God I need to stop looking back

I'll say it time and again but I never do it... Meh.

I was happier when I was 18, didn't have a boyfriend, was overweight, self harmed every week and was pretty much failing at life than I am now at 22, with a boyfriend, losing weight, out of self harming and going into my final year of my degree.

Go fucking figure.

Comparison...

Do you see any difference between? What weight difference do you think there is in them?

I promised myself a while ago I wouldn't do these pictures any more but - I've been crying all morning because what I saw on the scale doesn't translate for me. Found the pictures on the left of the two above and cried some more because I see the same body in all four of these photos.

So lonely :( BF had to go back to his home town yesterday because some fuck decided stabbing his best mate in the stomach was a good way to settle an argument... Jesus wept. His friend is ok, in hospital for the next week but still. Wtf. I've been sat around pretending to have a life and that I'm ok and not itching in my skin wanting to cut it to shreds because of well, it's the only thing that would convince me this life is real. 

I can't though, what kind of feeling would my BF have if he came back and found I'd done that? It's tough enough on him right now. Sigh. Soldier on.

I should stop looking into the past

But I can't. Meh. So without further ado, a retrospective look into my life now and my life 3 months ago (AKA living at home vs living at uni)

At home, I don't track calories actively. I try and keep a running total in my head, but that's it.
At uni I obsessively track everything I intake on MyFitnessPal. I had an 80 day streak...

At home I often eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.
At uni I eat dinner. Sometimes.

At home I eat very little fruit.
At uni I go days with only eating fruit.

At home I visit websites about student money saving and facebook.
At uni I visit websites about weightloss and run a thinspo tumblr.

At home I exercise ~ once a month.
At uni I run three times a week minimum.

At home I drink once in a blue moon.
At uni I drink a few nights a week.

At home I can't update this blog much as I don't get much time alone.
At uni (or at least last year) I am alone for most of the day.

At home I weigh myself once a week.
At uni I weigh myself every day.

At home I seem to be losing weight (now 59kgs/9 1/2 stone/136lbs roughly)
At uni I can't do anything to make the weight go.

Back to uni in under two months. 7.5 weeks. I'm dreading it. I move into a house with 5 new people, the kitchen is four floors down and I know that I won't eat very much. I won't be able to. I just need to get through this last year and I'll be free of the shithole that calls itself my uni town. I'll be free.