Momentum

I seem to have garnered a burst of motivation and energy so I'm trying to take advantage of it and keep things moving.

Texted flatmate about moving out of the new house today, her reply was (honestly, this is straight from my phone) 'OK, I'll phone the landlord and tell XXX he can definitely have your room' - Nice to see she's been planning ahead, eh?! I've got a viewing for what seems to be a nice house tomorrow afternoon, I'll report back. I'm not going to rush into anything yet though, as I am not 100% certain what the deal is with my old house and getting my deposit back and I know for a fact that spare rooms come up all the time.

Got half my assignment done, I'm slaving over it atm as well! My reward for doing an hours solid work from now until quarter past 7 is to watch Cool Runnings... I have yet to see it and I hear people raving about it so I agreed.

Food wise I'm doing ok, it helps that I have no money and am going home on Thursday as it means I can't buy anything! Today I had a bowl of cheerios (1 cup, with half a cup of milk - next time it'll be quarter of a cup as it was too much milk), a lettuce and pepper salad with a mini pork pie and a bourbon and for tea a few spoons of cous cous and another pork pie. The cous cous was rank, which is why I didn't eat much of it! I'm debating whether or not to have something else later on. We'll see.

And exciting news... Yesterday at gymnastics there was a full stunt team, minus a flyer, so we took it in turns to fly. I can honestly say now that I no longer harbour dreams of being a flyer, I'm more than happy to keep my feet on the ground! It's so high up and so unstable!

Mmmm, life

It's complicated, isn't it?

Worked out today that if I don't pull my arse into gear and get the rest of my assignments done, I will be kicked off of my uni course. It's just so hard to find the motivation...

I never said it on here because I didn't really want to anger anyone with my decision but since it's long done now... Half the reason I've been such a mess this semester is that 4 weeks into term I got pregnant. The pregnancy was terminated about 10 days ago now... I'm still stuck in that horrible rut of wondering if it was the right thing. My boyfriend supported me and respected my decision... But now I almost wish he'd pushed harder for us to keep it. The timing is all wrong. Neither of us like kids. I was getting awful morning sickness and hating life even in the first few weeks. I'm almost 100% certain to suffer from post-natal depression. What could we have done?

My boyfriend pointed out to me last night when I was complaining about all the work that I have to do in order to just stay on my course, let alone get a decent mark, that there aren't many people who could cope with a massive life event (getting pregnant) + 'losing' a partner + being clinically depressed already. I'm now also trying to find a new place to live for the next year due to the bitch flatmate... I don't see any of it as an excuse... I don't see why it should be the only thing that stops me. I love my course, I love learning about psychology and all the things that come with it, apart from Statistics. What can I do? Go home in the summer and say 'Sorry Mum, sorry Dad, I've failed again. Yeah, it wasn't entirely my fault...'? That's not good enough. I'm just a failure then. I'll always be a failure.

Shame I have no fight left in me. I'll do my best to get the rest of my work done, but I honestly don't know if I'll be allowed back next year. And that upsets me greatly.

Today didn't go massively well. I overslept. Then I realised I have no money for buying shopping. So I spent £12 anyway. I didn't get any of my essay done, it was too late to phone anyone by the time I got back and I haven't got my hands on the contract for our current house yet.

And bitch-flatmate has got about 10 people round and they're in my kitchen (I hate having people I don't know in my flat :o) and now I can't get anything decent to eat. I am SO hungry. Meal plan has kind of worked but needs tweaking to include an extra meal as I am starving. I've done enough exercise to balance it out today if I could just get into the kitchen.

So here's the plan

Tomorrow I'm going to get up, hopefully about 10am, and shower, get changed and eat my breakfast. I'm going to meander down town about 12 o clock, pick up the shopping I need to get, and come home for about half past 1 at which point I'll eat my lunch. Then I'll get onto phoning some of the landlords around my university town and see whether there are any decent houses with one bedroom spare that I can move into next year. I want a house that is:
- In the upper part of town (ideally, though I'm willing to compromise),
- Cheaper than my 'old' house and my current accomodation, so less than £85 a week
- In a decent area, and in a decent state
- Ideally double bedded, if not then room for a queen bed
- Minimum of 1 bathroom per 3 people
- Not occupied by nutcases who call my boyfriend a 'fat ugly control freak wierdo' and me a slag

And then I'll get on with some work, maybe write some of my essay, eat my tea, tidy my room and list some things on Amazon. Then I'll watch some TV, do some washing and get a nice early night.

Ahhh, we'll see if it works out that way!

I've written up a meal plan for tomorrow and Sunday, so we'll also see if I can stick to it...

This flat

Is driving me insane.

Apparently I can't 'take a joke' and shouldn't 'make banter if I don't want to carry it on'.

Well FUCKTARD. I never started your 'joke' and I never asked for the 'banter' that you seem to use to justify treating me like shit, so fucking jog on. Can't wait until I get out of here.

Versatile

Many thanks to CB for nominating me. <3 Luffs ya!

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

1) I surround myself with things to give myself security. The difference between my room in halls and my boyfriends (old, now he's moved out) room was vast - we both have posters and post its up but I have a notice board full of letters, random notes, my bookcase is crammed with books I'll never even take off of it and DVDs I've only watched once but I still keep for 'just in case' days. I like the clutter but some days it drives me insane!

2) More so to this, I have far too many pairs of shoes. Here at uni, I have 18 pairs. Not including the 3 pairs that I was forced to throw out this weekend as they'd reached a state of total annihilation. They live in a box under my bed....

Out of all of these shoes, I only really wear the top line (boots, trainers, hiking boots, trainers) as the rest either rub my heels or have no grip left on the bottom. Back at home I have another 20+ pairs...

3) I love jewellery - necklaces in particular - and have a section on my noticeboard devoted to them, but I rarely wear them. 

My two most treasured items are jewellery. The first is a necklace I bought with money from my Grandads will when I was 14 and the second is the bracelet Andy gave me for Christmas. I hardly ever wear them as I'm so scared of losing or breaking them! Neither are worth a massive amount (<£150 each) but they've got huge sentimental value.

4) I moan a lot on here about how much I hate the stats part of my course but I find nothing more satisfying than knowing that I have xxx amount of reading to do and then just ploughing through it. It's what I'm meant to be doing at the moment actually... Oh well. 

5) I get distracted really easily and often forget to finish writing or send a text message... I've done this twice today. Poor Andy... He always gets messages late :p I just get so caught up in the moment that I forget to finish what I was doing in the first place! I'm the same with projects and things, I want to dive right in at the beginning when it's all new and exciting but then when it gets down to the hard work and I realise that my initial work was rushed and shoddy I get fed up and abandon it.

6) Sometimes I get hungry for a good old riot. I want to get drunk, go out and start smashing things. I don't drink for a number of reasons but this is one... Though I think I could probably do it without even getting drunk sometimes. Pressure just builds up and I need a release, you know? Scary.

7) I really, really, intensely dislike the number 7. It's like the girl that no-one wants at the party because she's a bitch and everything she says is a put down but no-one can uninvite her because if they do, she'll just verbally attack them for it and then uninvite them from the party. It's rude, callous and this rubs off on 8. 8's a bully too but only a side kick to 7, even though he's bigger and does the more physical bullying. Yep.

Only 6 people who need to reblog this as most of my active followers have already done it!

1) Purity and Perfection

2) Mich

3) Elara

4) Vampire

5) RHB

6) Kristina

It's been

*5 hours since I last self harmed
*10 minutes since I last ate
*22 hours since I last slept
*30 minutes since I last spoke to my boyfriend
*1 hour since I last tried to do some uni work
*3 hours since I last cried
*16 hours since I last considered suicide
*8 hours since I last smiled
*14 hours since I last exercised
*5 minutes since I last had a drink (water!)
*1 minute since I last considered the future

Love Actually

That is all 

<3

...

Sorry about the last post. It was a better idea than the alternative!

I'm thinking of starting to do video blog updates, would anyone be interested in watching them? x

Tonight, boys and girls,

my method of self-destruction will be eating everything in sight.

- Half a large garlic bread pizza
- Two lion bars
- 80g of cashews
- Half a box of After Eights
- Large bag of Walkers crisps
- Thorntons chocolates
- Half a bag of Percy Piglets

R-e-t-a-r-d-e-d.

Confusion

Eurgh, I just hate days like these.

As you may have noticed, I have a very short attention span and tend to flick between dream to dream. So far, jobs I have wanted, quite seriously, to undertake include and are not limited to:

- Paramedic
- Nurse
  - Childrens nurse
  - A+E nursing
- Clinical psychologist
- Eating disorders counsellor
- Therapist
- Horse trainer
- Horse rescue owner
- Horse dealer
- Office worker
- Tesco worker (I kid you not. There are months in my life where I just want to work checkouts, 9 to 5, part time for minimum wage)
- Bar owner
- Club promoter
- Cupcake store owner
- TV chef
- Police officer (a very long running one, I wanted to be a cop from the age of 10 to 16)
   - Mounted police officer
   - Dog squad officer
- Social worker
- Architect
- Teacher
- Photographer
- Vet
- Vet nurse
- Receptionist
- Banker

Pretty much all I can remember off the top of my head. Apart from about four of them, ALL have been crazes within the last... 4 to 5 years? I'm nearly 21 now. So since the age of 16/17, I have gone from wanting to do one thing only - police officer, which I eventually decided against after talking to a few family members who are cops and finding out what it's really like - to wanting to do EVERYTHING.

One thing you may notice is that nearly all of them are very people or care focused. The trouble is I'm far too flitty to do something that requires deep concentration or commitment, and yet I'm too focused on doing good and changing the world not to. I just want to have a job where I'm happy, I'm not bogged down by work constantly and I can earn enough to give my (future) husband and kids a decent life. Too much to ask for :(

All this has come about mainly because I'm failing my current university course. I'm a psychology student. I am getting above 60% in nearly all of my psychology modules, but in the one and only compulsory you-must-pass-to-continue-the-course module, I'm failing. And I'm failing miserably. What module is it?

Statistics. I am awful at maths.

Escape

I want to get out of here. I have no money, and commitments, but it's driving me crazy being stuck in one place. If I could afford it I'd get on a train to the nearest airport and take the cheapest flight I could find and stay there until my money ran out.

Tracking calories/food

I use Livestrong, if anyone's interested, I'll try and track on there rather than post in here what my totals are for the day.

This is me :)

Thinspo

Because it's lovely and sunny here today (though still really cold!) I'm going to do a summer thinspo post. As always, links and credits at the end :)

Summer, the time for the red carpet!

This one goes to my wonderful, resistant, amazing boyfriend:

Links

Dollys Thinspo Photobucket

The Skinny Website

Maybe---Someday-90

Anastasia S, Lookbook

Flickr Thinspo

Tumblr Thinspo

Hope you enjoyed :)

Making my own stuff

I'm on a proper little cookery binge atm!

Today I made butternut squash and potato soup (nommmm! so yummy, and it's literally just cooked veg and stock so no nasties!) and crab stick pasta salad, tomorrow I'm making bread and I plan on making cakes at the weekend! I love cooking :) It's so rewarding! I now have dinner and lunch prepared for the next two days, I'm picking up some sausages tomorrow to make a sausage casserole with :) I find the hardest meal of the day for me is breakfast as I wake up and feel so groggy and horrible I never want food.

Food intake today has not been too bad, no breakfast as I woke up late :o, but I had two chocolate fingers with a cup of tea (was going to have four - the RDA but I came to the last two and went 'NO!' :D), lunch was a mash potato snack pot thing, and dinner was a massive bowl of home made soup with two pitta bread. I'm soooo tempted though to go and get either more soup or a jacket potato!

Thinspo post coming up later tonight guys and girls :)

Random dream musings

First off, I'm still in Manchester, heading back tomorrow :(

Secondly, I want this outfit, and this body; essentially I want to be her:

I think I'd change the shoes though? Mmm.

Thirdly... I've been thinking about my future a lot. Generally I flit from idea to idea, little fantasies that I'd love to do and be and never really settle on one. Eating disorders counsellor (most certainly OUT!), neuropsychologist, animal rescue owner, and the current one... cake shop owner. I'd love a little cake shop, selling cupcakes mainly, like a coffee shop but the main focus is cakes :)

I'd sell every kind - Rainbow cupcakes (maybe a low sugar version for kids/dieters?), rocky road cupcakes, plain cupcakes with beautiful icing, chocolate, vanilla, coconut, almond, orange and lemon... Everything. Do weddings (cupcakes only) and even mini-cakes for two or three people to share in store, over a cup of coffee. We have a lot of shops like that in London at the moment, it's very on trend however they're always tiny and only have two or three tables; I'd love to have one that could seat at least 20 people so that everyone could hang out there. We could sell cake decorating stuff or even have a few special days where we could sell un-iced vanilla and chocolate cupcakes and then people pay a little bit extra, but out on the tables we put icing bags and pots of decorations and people self decorate. 

I'm fed up waiting for my life to begin.