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http://hubpages.com/profile/takhana

Please?

Eurgh

950 calories consumed today. Disgusting.

I'm going to Manchester for a few days tomorrow so I'll be pretty quiet, have a good weekend guys x

Randomness

I made this for my tea...

It's a breaded cod fillet and a salad, which had lettuce, beef tomato <3, cucumber, green pepper </3, feta, mini pickled beetroot, mixed seeds and mini pickled onions in. Served with apple cider vinegar and a splash of honey and mustard dressing (bad I know, but it's lush!). I make salads like this a lot; I always put the lettuce in first, then the cucumber, pepper and tomato, then the beetroots and onions, then (if I'm using it) the mushrooms or avocados, and finally the feta + seeds go on top before I drizzle the two dressings on. And then I toss it so it all gets mixed up anyway! It annoys me if things don't on in their specific order. I don't like green peppers in my salad - I only like frying/cooking them - but I had no red or orange ones left! I aim for as much colour as possible.

What annoys me equally as much is when my plate isn't orientated right, I can't tell you how it has to be as it changes for every dish but if it's not I'll sit there and spin the plate until it's correct... 

I also have to have my hair tied back and a glass of drink beside me before I start eating! The drink can't be hot like tea or coffee unless it's a really cold meal; I can't stand hot tea in my mouth and then hot food! I love the antithesis between hot food and cold drink. Normally I have water or squash, I don't drink milk with my main meals, but will if it's something sweet like a cake or a Pop Tart. I don't really care much for breakfast, though I did go through a three week phase during January where I had breakfast every morning and was making things like this:

Two perfectly boiled eggs on very (old) crispy pitta bread. The pittas weren't that good but the eggs were perfect! I can't eat eggs if they're hard boiled, the yolk *has* to be runny, and I'll even put up with a bit of runny white if it means the yolk is perfect. 

I rarely eat jacket potatoes anywhere other than at home because I only like them the way I make them. The skin has to crispy so it clashes with the hot and soft inside! I microwave mine until they're soft through and then cover them in oil and salt/herbs/worcester sauce/whatever and bang them in the oven for ten minutes. Perfection. 

And just done an hour in the gym, 450 calories off, todays total is 400 net! Yessss! 

Not really much of a point to this post, tbh!

Interesting article

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1359713/London-Fashion-Week-2011-Skeletal-models-super-sized-hypocrisy.html

How thin is too thin?

Another ditch in the road

Diet is not going well. Had some pretty earth shattering, potentially life changing news earlier today. So I've stuffed myself full of carbs.

One size fits all

Actually means 'One size fits all, as long as you're a size 10'

Got my ASOS clearance sale stuff through today.

The pansy tee is see-through and MASSIVE, and the lace leggings don't fit, despite being 'one size fits all'. Keeping the other two though!

Not bad

Hit 450 calories today, over my allowance but not by much! And did two hours of Gymnastics so :)

SGD

Starting on the skinny girl diet tomorrow, hope I complete it!

Ahaha, apparently standards in Wales are dropping.

I have a flatmate who hates people bitching about her - when we started in Freshers Week her opening statement was 'I don't like people who don't say things to your face'. About a month ago she had a massive blazing argument with me because apparently I was bitching behind her back to people. Partly true as I was discussing her inability to be flexible with our new house for the next semester with my boyfriend - but with him only. I don't see that as bitching as I was stating facts and wasn't spreading anything around, right? Maybe wrong but he's my confidante and I tell him everything, so whatever.

Last night she decided to bitch to my BFs best friend about how he treats me. Apparently he's 'lazy, mean to (me), abusive, a complete twat'. He's none of these things. We have a laugh and mess around and have our own injokes which often focus on beating each other up - it's not serious, it's play fighting.

She's also the girl who has decided that my BF is no good for me and causes all the trouble in the post three entries under this one. Yep.

Isn't it funny how two faced people can be? Oh, and her relationship with her boyfriend is on the rocks... They fight constantly, she bosses him around and he follows her like a puppy... People in glass houses ;)

Inspired

Well, not going to lie, the cheerleading competition didn't go well. We came 6th out of 7 and Co-Ed had an injury in the warm up arena meaning they got last place... Oh well. We knew we were nowhere near the standard needed to win and now we're all pumped for April! We have a LOT to work on. Half the squad can't tumble properly, our stunts are lack lustre, we have NO attitude and our dances are very simple and look crap half the time.

The biggest differences I noticed though between us and the other teams was that a) most of them are from big universities, and have teams of 25+ - we scrape the 20 person mark when no-one's injured and b) a lot of them keep the same squad year after year and therefore start practicing and choreographing their routines from September when they return after summer holidays. We started practicing and learning our routine in November/December, so in terms of time difference, we're about three months behind them in practice time.

I'm uploading a video of the routine to FaceBook for my coaches to view but tbh I'm very reluctant to release it into the public domain via YouTube as I'm so aware how poor it really is! Maybe comment if you'd like to see it and I'll share the link with you. I do have some other videos of other teams stunting which is pretty cool though so I'll put them on my new YouTube channel - TheBangorDragon

The inspired title? Well, one team competing there yesterday was called Unity. They're the equivalent of a Varsity team I think? They all used to be university cheerleaders/gymnasts - or pretty much all of them did - and then they were hand picked from the entire country to form the super group. They. Are. AMAZING. Here's their stunt routine from two years ago; bearing in mind they were so much better than this yesterday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXfd6tBzees

In other news, I've been feeling really sick recently. My boyfriend has been staying and he's been down with a heavy cold over the last few weeks which is finally getting better so hopefully it's just that. I'm planning to start pom dance on Tuesdays now I no longer cheer at basketball games. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym after my 11am lecture and going to do some serious working out, I need to be fitter, thinner and have more muscle by April so I can really put the stunts up and hold them there.

Favourite picture from yesterday:

Enough of the negative!

Bloody hormones ;p

Here's a lovely thinspo post for you all as I can't sleep (flat arguments, more in the next post!). Oh and apparently my broken scales say that I'm 10stone dead now... Woo. The first thing my Dad said when I saw him at the weekend was 'you've lost weight...' - Shame I look and am heavier than normal, right?

I saw a girl walking around my uni town today who had legs skinnier than the girl immediately below. Too thin I think.... Beautiful though. Absolutely stunning, I couldn't take my eyes off of her!

Not really thinspo, but how I feel and why I continually lie through my teeth about all things weight/food related:

Credits: (in order)

http://thinspox.tumblr.com/

http://neverskinnyenoughx.tumblr.com/

http://nearperfection.tumblr.com/

http://becomingtiny.tumblr.com/

http://www.skinnygossip.com

http://voguethinspo----x.xanga.com

http://veritas--x.xanga.com

http://college.cheerleader.com

Peace out x

This is driving me crazy

First off, happy V day!


Now, down to the nitty gritty.


My boyfriend and my hall mates really don't get along. We've been together since the start of November and we're totally in love - no doubts there.

Before he left uni, he never really saw eye to eye with my flatmates, he's quite protective of me and because of my passive nature sees that they tend to take me for granted a lot, which leads to tension when he tries to get involved and sort problems out which don't need sorting in my eyes! I've spoken to him about it and he's agreed not to get involved unless I ask him in the future. However my flatmates can't seem to let it go... 

There was another incident, a few weeks after we started going out, basically he cheated on me (not sexually) and I decided to give him another chance for many reasons - my flatmates seem to disagree with this though. Bearing in mind it happened last November. I've forgiven him, why can't they? When he stays here he now refuses to leave my room and I have to really coax him out. He refuses to come out with me and my flat; he refuses to have anything to do with them. I get really annoyed with him for this; whilst I love seeing him, if I disappear into my room for three days and don't come out to the communal areas I get bitched at by my flatmates! On the one hand I can see his point as they are absolutely rotten to him - they ignore him or make thinly veiled sarcastic comments. On the other I'm living with them for the next year, maybe two at least! I see a very long term relationship with this guy, I don't want them tearing us apart, or there to always be an atmosphere when he's around.

A couple of weeks ago at a party two of my flatmates were incredibly rude to him out of nowhere and came and had a go at me about how he responded. I pulled him to one side and he got annoyed and left; five minutes later they were all in my room telling me to dump him. I told them to leave me to think and when he came round afterwards we sorted it out by talking about it and thinking it all through - came to the conclusion that it was just them stirring. 

When  he walked into the kitchen today, only one person out of the 7 of us (besides me) acknowledged him. He's a proud guy so he won't admit it but I know that it hurts to be treated like that. 

What am I meant to do? I can't tell my flatmates to piss off, and I refuse to lose him over something so petty, but it's tearing us apart slowly but surely :(

Just a Sunday

Cheerleading was intense today! Not helped by the fact that I didn't have time to eat properly before I went so only had half a bowl of soup and two bread rolls... Not great for two hours strenuous working out!

Been very good today, drank lots of water, and eaten:
1 Nectarine for breakfast
2 Rolls with half a bowl of tomato soup for lunch
1 bowl of home made veg. cous cous and 2 petit filous for dinner
And then two mini chocolate bars for a snack :)

Not too bad! Seeing my boyfriend tomorrow for Valentines day :D Well excited!

I'm making a mood board for my wall, all nice Thinspo and clothes that I want! I'll take some pictures when I'm done. Also...

It's not perfect, it's getting there though! I'm the left side base on the left extended liberty team (the flyer is standing on her right leg) - we had it perfect three times in a row before, and then we started to get tired! But it's good to know that one week before comp, we can get it perfect :)

So disappointed

Had two pieces of jam on toast for breakfast (luxury as I normally don't eat bread!)

Then a slice of cake with some tea.

Then.

Dear god.

Driving back from my friends 21st, to break up the two hour long journey, we stopped at McDonalds.

I had:

- Double cheeseburger (no gurkhin) 440 cals

- McChicken Sandwich 360 cals

- Ranch snack wrap 280 cals (?)

- 6 chicken nuggets 280 cals

- 2 pots of dip 100 cals.

Total: 1460 calories.

IN ONE GO.

Fail my FUCKING life.

Food is on my mind

All I do atm is eat. You can tell as well. My belly is getting bigger and I'm getting really weird cravings. Sigh :(

As promised

In the last post I promised I'd upload some pictures of myself.

So, here's a few of me in my cheer leading uniform, no proper pictures yet but there will be soon! Unfortunately it shows off my cellulite thighs something perfect but meh, I enjoy being a cheerleader so fuck it :) I went a little overboard with the pictures but I guess you guys might enjoy them!

Complete uniform pic coming when I have a decent one :)

Ignore the cheer smile! With my bow too (full comp outfit):

With the boy :):

Stuff for todays bake sale:

Cake I made for my flatmates birthday:

And the roses that my flatmate left outside my door yesterday! Aww! :) :

I used to have this on top of my shelf:

Lol! It's gone down a bit now... Well, I have one Rio and about 12 cans of coke left. I keep topping the coke up but you can only buy Rio in Costco, which you have to be a member of, so I have to wait until September to get my friend to buy me another crate! Sad times.

And finally, the salad I made yesterday, it was LUSH!

...

Ho hum

Back to loneliness I guess...

Sigh. Boyfriend moves away for good tomorrow. He was meant to be going at 7/8pm but is now going at midday. I'm heartbroken. I had planned to spend the morning helping him pack, then go cheerleading and spend the last few hours together. Now I'll have to help him pack and then go cheerleading and when I get back, he'll be gone and his room will be empty, holding only our memories.

:*(

It's time like this...

When I'm just thankful for what I have, and I get a few blissful weeks of not caring about what I look like or am eating. I say blissful, but in reality it's the only thing that's decent in my life right now. I'm sorry for not updating sooner - so much has been going on.

First off, thank you all for your well wishes and thoughts on my blog post of the 12th of January. Sadly, my friend's step dad passed away the next week. Unfortunately I haven't been able to get home to see her and I feel really guilty for that; but I'm at university 250 miles from home and just can't make the trip, especially as I now have more lectures, work and cheerleading practice. She's been an amazingly strong girl, supporting her Mum (who doesn't speak much English) and pretty much organising the entire funeral herself. She's so selfless and such an incredible girl... Life is cruel.

Second bit of bad news... And the main reason why I haven't updated recently is that my boyfriend has dropped out of university and is moving back to his home town an hour and a half away on Sunday. To say that I'm devastated would be an understatement - it doesn't feel real. Seems like whenever I get anything good it's taken from me. We're staying together and he's going to come and see me at the weekends/I'll go to him but it won't be the same. He's had a lot of trouble with his family (mainly his Dad, who from what I have been told is an abusive, alcoholic prick) and is really stressed right now. We've been arguing a fair bit, because we're both so upset by the news and are trying to make it easier on ourselves... yay for the human brain, eh? Push away the pain rather than deal with it. Anyway. I haven't been to the gym or restricted since I heard the news purely because I don't have the energy to consume my thoughts with it. We've sworn that we'll try our hardest to stay together and I hope to God we can make it work but it's going to be a big change. We spend every day with each other now... so not being able to see him for two weeks is going to be a shock. He's my support, he's why I gave up cutting (or at least why I try to give up cutting), he's the face I see when I wake up in the morning and the last one I see at night, he makes me laugh, smile and feel complete, he's my world. He means so much to me. It's not good to be dependant on someone but right now he's what I need. Sigh.

Thirdly, we've had to make several changes to our cheerleading routine as two people aren't going to be competing with us any more (one flyer has left completely - fantastic two weeks before comp! and a front base is out injured) with the competition looming over us. Practises are getting frantic, our coach is getting a shorter fuse by the day and mistakes are happening left right and centre; one of the flyers got concussion last week as there was confusion between whether or not the stunt was a toss or a prep/cradle and she got dropped on her head. We're all worried and wondering how we're going to do it when the majority of us don't know the stunts properly and haven't practised them in ages. It may be an epic fail.

Fourthly, I've come off my meds and started counselling again. I need to go back to the drs as I missed my appointment this week to see if I can try another AD but I'm not holding out much hope. I didn't think the Sert. had much effect but tbh since coming off of it I've noticed the black pit of pain opening in my stomach again. I wish it was gone. At least those drugs took away the constant state of :*( that I'm now in.

I can't think of a lot else. I know I promised thinspo and pictures of me in the last post, but I haven't got any and I don't have the energy to go and find some. After I've recovered from Sunday I'll start posting more, start gymming and restricting more (I'm thinking about doing the ABC diet) and start being more positive. Peace out guys x