Frustrations

- I've been sleeping in really badly recently; since Friday I've woken up past midday every single day and have missed three morning appointments now because of it.

- One of these appointments was a lecture and the only person I know in said lecture is refusing to let me borrow her notes because I'm 'just lazy'.

- Without these notes, and without the note from the doctor this morning, I am officially set to fail my third year of uni and graduate without a degree

- It's only fucking week 3 of year 3. And I'm screwing it up.

I'm so scared of myself right now

I know the scales are bad. I know I shouldn't care what they say. I even know that they can say different things depending on carpet, placement in the room (floorboards), fuck it, even temperature can affect them. I know that my bedroom has a very odd carpet and very uneven floorboards.

So why do I fucking weigh myself and get upset at the results?

Apparently I've gained 1stone in 3 weeks, even though I've restricted heavily, fasted a few days and been to the gym at least twice a week.

So I've been sitting in bed for the last hour crying. This feels like an impossible journey. Every time I try to do this I end up failing. I'm sick of it. I was thinking the other day about how my face looks thinner... not massively but a little bit. But clearly it can't if I've put a stone on.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Oh, and I've relapsed with self harm, so yea, that's back on the agenda. I'm a massive life fail right now. All I do is sleep; eat a small amount (and even then, only a few things, it's not like I'm stuffing bags of crisps and chocolate down my throat, ffs); drink tea; go to the gym; and attempt to get to my lectures. I'm past caring about uni. I just want to go home.