Monday, 28 March 2011

Mmmm, life

It's complicated, isn't it?

Worked out today that if I don't pull my arse into gear and get the rest of my assignments done, I will be kicked off of my uni course. It's just so hard to find the motivation...

I never said it on here because I didn't really want to anger anyone with my decision but since it's long done now... Half the reason I've been such a mess this semester is that 4 weeks into term I got pregnant. The pregnancy was terminated about 10 days ago now... I'm still stuck in that horrible rut of wondering if it was the right thing. My boyfriend supported me and respected my decision... But now I almost wish he'd pushed harder for us to keep it. The timing is all wrong. Neither of us like kids. I was getting awful morning sickness and hating life even in the first few weeks. I'm almost 100% certain to suffer from post-natal depression. What could we have done?

My boyfriend pointed out to me last night when I was complaining about all the work that I have to do in order to just stay on my course, let alone get a decent mark, that there aren't many people who could cope with a massive life event (getting pregnant) + 'losing' a partner + being clinically depressed already. I'm now also trying to find a new place to live for the next year due to the bitch flatmate... I don't see any of it as an excuse... I don't see why it should be the only thing that stops me. I love my course, I love learning about psychology and all the things that come with it, apart from Statistics. What can I do? Go home in the summer and say 'Sorry Mum, sorry Dad, I've failed again. Yeah, it wasn't entirely my fault...'? That's not good enough. I'm just a failure then. I'll always be a failure.

Shame I have no fight left in me. I'll do my best to get the rest of my work done, but I honestly don't know if I'll be allowed back next year. And that upsets me greatly.


  1. i'm so sorry to hear all this, it's really a lot to take on, be gentle with yourself. you're not a failure, and if by chance you don't complete your course you can always try again, don't give up.
    maybe you should speak to your lectures, tell them your situation, and i'm sure they would be understanding in giving you an extention?
    i hope everything works out

  2. I can't try again. I won't get funding for another university course as I've already dropped out of one, and the fees are going up next year so I wouldn't be able to go back even if I wanted to.
    I've spoken to my tutor before and he said if it gets worse to speak to him (before the pregnancy) but tbh he's an old man and whilst he's lovely I get a bit :S around guys I don't know and would never be able to speak to him about it all. Besides, I don't want to see it as an excuse.