Friday, 4 February 2011

It's time like this...

When I'm just thankful for what I have, and I get a few blissful weeks of not caring about what I look like or am eating. I say blissful, but in reality it's the only thing that's decent in my life right now. I'm sorry for not updating sooner - so much has been going on.

First off, thank you all for your well wishes and thoughts on my blog post of the 12th of January. Sadly, my friend's step dad passed away the next week. Unfortunately I haven't been able to get home to see her and I feel really guilty for that; but I'm at university 250 miles from home and just can't make the trip, especially as I now have more lectures, work and cheerleading practice. She's been an amazingly strong girl, supporting her Mum (who doesn't speak much English) and pretty much organising the entire funeral herself. She's so selfless and such an incredible girl... Life is cruel.

Second bit of bad news... And the main reason why I haven't updated recently is that my boyfriend has dropped out of university and is moving back to his home town an hour and a half away on Sunday. To say that I'm devastated would be an understatement - it doesn't feel real. Seems like whenever I get anything good it's taken from me. We're staying together and he's going to come and see me at the weekends/I'll go to him but it won't be the same. He's had a lot of trouble with his family (mainly his Dad, who from what I have been told is an abusive, alcoholic prick) and is really stressed right now. We've been arguing a fair bit, because we're both so upset by the news and are trying to make it easier on ourselves... yay for the human brain, eh? Push away the pain rather than deal with it. Anyway. I haven't been to the gym or restricted since I heard the news purely because I don't have the energy to consume my thoughts with it. We've sworn that we'll try our hardest to stay together and I hope to God we can make it work but it's going to be a big change. We spend every day with each other now... so not being able to see him for two weeks is going to be a shock. He's my support, he's why I gave up cutting (or at least why I try to give up cutting), he's the face I see when I wake up in the morning and the last one I see at night, he makes me laugh, smile and feel complete, he's my world. He means so much to me. It's not good to be dependant on someone but right now he's what I need. Sigh.

Thirdly, we've had to make several changes to our cheerleading routine as two people aren't going to be competing with us any more (one flyer has left completely - fantastic two weeks before comp! and a front base is out injured) with the competition looming over us. Practises are getting frantic, our coach is getting a shorter fuse by the day and mistakes are happening left right and centre; one of the flyers got concussion last week as there was confusion between whether or not the stunt was a toss or a prep/cradle and she got dropped on her head. We're all worried and wondering how we're going to do it when the majority of us don't know the stunts properly and haven't practised them in ages. It may be an epic fail.

Fourthly, I've come off my meds and started counselling again. I need to go back to the drs as I missed my appointment this week to see if I can try another AD but I'm not holding out much hope. I didn't think the Sert. had much effect but tbh since coming off of it I've noticed the black pit of pain opening in my stomach again. I wish it was gone. At least those drugs took away the constant state of :*( that I'm now in.

I can't think of a lot else. I know I promised thinspo and pictures of me in the last post, but I haven't got any and I don't have the energy to go and find some. After I've recovered from Sunday I'll start posting more, start gymming and restricting more (I'm thinking about doing the ABC diet) and start being more positive. Peace out guys x

1 comment:

  1. Shit Merla, you really are having a rough time of late. I'm so very sorry to hear that things are so grim. I really hope this is the last and that you can have a stretch of plain sailing for a bit. All the best, Love. Thinking of you. <3. XXX.