I need to go to the doctor...

But I'm scared and I don't want them to laugh at me and judge me and eurgh.

Dependency and loss

I am totally dependent on my boyfriend currently. He tells me when to eat, where to go, pushes me out of my comfort zone and holds me when it gets too much. Which is why it completely sucks that he's gone until Thursday for a training week away... I'm so paranoid and scared that he won't get home. Admittedly the fear is starting to subside as I know that he's made his outward journey fine, and knowing that he's training in his home town is definitely making things easier to deal with, but with him travelling back through London the day before the Olympics I can't help but be terrified at the possibility of another 7/7 attack happening. It consumes me at the moment; the idea that someone could do that again. I'm starting to feel easier about going to watch the show jumping next Tuesday as my excitement slowly rises but there's still the fact that I hate the underground normally, let alone when it's crowded and on a 'special' day, a time period where the whole world will be looking at our capital city and wondering if we're going to cock up/get blown up. I'm far too paranoid...

Today should've been the 22nd birthday of my friend who passed away. It seems crazy that she never got out of her teens but lived life to the fullest and loved everything she did, even with such a massive chance that tomorrow could be her last day. She never worried or spent her time looking into the past as I do... I feel, largely on days like today, that it was totally unfair for her to be taken (which I feel anytime I think of her) and I don't deserve the life I have, a life spent in hindsight and fear. I feel I should've learnt from her death that life is not permanent and that enjoyment and fulfillment are the best ways to conduct yourself, but I haven't. I continue to be afraid of the possible and unable to deal with the present. What point is there in her death if we don't learn from it? We can learn the basal things like how to deal with allergies, and how to provide better hospital care for allergic people but seemingly nothing will teach me to take my mind out of the past and the possibilities of what could happen. Live in the moment.

I'm feeling a bit alone right now. One of the people I would've called a best friend has deleted me on facebook; one no longer has my number in his phone and doesn't know who I am, one arranges meet ups and then blows me off and one other text me the other day for the first time in months just to tell me she's home for the weekend and can she have my dealers number. No mention of seeing each other and the the reply of 'I don't have any numbers any more cos I quit, wanna have coffee/drinks?' wasn't replied to. So I have my BF, and my other good friend, but no-one else it would seem. Sad.

I'm thinking about using this week to start writing a book in a similar style to Wintergirls, basically semi-autobiographical about living the way I do. In diary form I think... I'll set up a sister blog from this one and publish it on there. It'll be largely truthful but details may be changed, sometimes I might need to embellish for artistic licence... Just a distraction really. I've wanted to do it for ages but I've never had the chance to be alone with my laptop for so long.

Pros and cons

I was just going to do a list of things I'm scared of right now but I should probably do some things I'm not scared of too...

Ok, so. First cos they're easier...

Things I'm scared of
- Getting older
- Nuclear war
- The apocalypse (which I seem convinced is imminent)
- Death of anyone close to me
- Leaving my house
- Zombies
- Leaving uni
- Going back to uni
- Dogs
- Having too much fun
- Getting fat
- Getting too thin
- Living
- Dying
- Going crazy
- Driving long distances
- Having to go to the same job day in day out for the next 45 years
- Being a parent
- Not being able to get to a toilet in time (ew)
- Being away from my house for too long
- Interacting with people I don't know
- My cats dying
- Moving away from home
- Being unsuccessful in my life
- Losing the man I love
- Exercising
- Being out of control
- Hurting someone I love
- Showering
- Self harming again
- Terrorism
- Eating
- Eating around people in a restaurant

Things I'm not scared of
- Spending time on the internet
- The Sims 3 (occasionally)

Sigh.

5 positive things...

Gonna try it.

1) Err. I'm sure number 1 isn't mean to be hard. My hair still feels pretty good today even though I haven't washed it.
2) I've sorted out underneath my bed and started sorting through my DVDs, with a view to giving some away to a local hospice.
3) I've got a job application form to fill out, something I wouldn't have consider a week ago.
4) My weight has been stable at 134lbs for the last month or so, before that I couldn't get under 140lbs consistently.
5) Uh. I have lots of baking to do tomorrow which should be fun?

That was too hard.

I don't know

how much longer I can keep this up.

Two days until the second anniversary of my friends death. Two months until the second anniversary of my 'serious' suicide attempt.

Meh.

Bleh.

Still scared to go outside.

Still a sad little girl inside.

Fed up now.

I'm bored but when I think of anything to do I get anxious and don't want to do it. I don't know how to stop it.

I'm wasting my life. I wish I was wasting away instead.

I think I've overdosed on Betty Crocker icing and home made honeycomb.

Shit.

Bikini Thinspo

This is a scheduled thinspo post, because I'm a lazy arse. 

Why the fuck not? Beautiful girls, beautiful pictures, beautiful weather. *Stares out the window at the rain* Seems apt. 

Unconventional on a thinspo page - but fuck, that is beauty.

Meep.

I like can abide my stomach. It's flat, even when breathing out. It has little definition and when I sit down it rolls over my jeans but when I'm standing it looks alright I guess.

I hate my thighs. Big, massive, fucking thunder thighs.

I hate my arse. Cellulitey, jiggly, gross. It's like two different bodies. Ok upper half, fucking awful lower half.

Hey...

Man, I need to stop abandoning you lovely people. I'm still surviving, existing.

The world scares me now.

I scare myself more than ever.

Uni is over for the summer. Last time I checked I was a solid 132lbs. I dunno if I still am... too scared to check.

'Meh' sums me up totally right now.

Drawing is fun now. So is making friendship bracelets (which I'm just starting out at doing and whilst they're not great, I hope to be able to make enough nice ones to sell a few at carboots over the summer. Maybe. Maybe not. They're fun to do anyway).

I don't like going outside. I don't like being away from my BF at all. Tomorrow he's got a work trial so I'm home alone for 8 hours for the first time since getting back from uni. I'm scared.

I've been hearing people whispering to me at night.

Thinspo... why the heck not

Can't sleep, can thinspo. Not done one of these in a long time...

I need this hair. Now.

I will never admit it, but I have a bit of a girl crush on Mischa Barton. 

It never rains but it pours, eh?

My great aunt, who I met once or twice in my life, but who still sent me a birthday and christmas card every year passed away last week.

My Nana is really ill in hospital again - she was taken into hospital during the day Thursday with a chest infection and had to be transferred to ICU last night at god knows what hour. According to my Dad who's seen her she's looking perkier and better today so hopefully it was just an extinction burst style thing (check out my psych lingo there; erm, hopefully it was just a gotta get worse to get better thing) but I don't know. She gets chest infections every year, around this time, and every year she's in hospital seriously ill with them. Every year I wonder if it'll be the last time... she's not 70 yet. Her mind is very sharp and strong but her body isn't.

I'm failing my compulsory module again. Module selection for next year is on Wednesday and I'm really torn between going down the 'safe' route (modules with less exams, more oral presentations and topics I've done before that I know I can do) or going down the slightly more risky route of modules that are heavy on exams but topics I've never done before and I'm finding interesting to think about.

Cheerleading is no longer fun, it's now a massive chore. As no-one in my group gets on with my other side base, the atmosphere is always tense and I feel that I'm blamed a lot when things go wrong because I just cba to argue with anyone about it; or defend myself when I'm not in the wrong. Eurgh.

Everything with me is getting worse. My mood is improving because this time next week I'll be at home; but equally my heart is heavy because this time next week I can no longer get away with only eating 600 calories all day or exercising to a net calorie total of 500 calories. I can skip lunch and breakfast but dinner is always a massive meal which will no doubt be over 1000 calories every day - I'm just going to balloon :( I might try and make sure I do at least an hour of cardio every day when my parents are out. They won't know if I don't tell them. I'm meant to be training for a 5k in May anyway so it's justifiable right?

Shopping is a mammoth task again. An hour today. An hour to buy £12 worth of things. Freaking ridiculous. Every item I put in my basket has five minutes of standing at the shelf considering it, and then later on another five minutes standing at another shelf deciding whether it should stay or go. Stupid head.

I wish it would stop raining.

Restless

I want to do something, something positive that isn't just centred around me. For a long time I've wanted to run a help site for youths suffering from mental health problems (cos you know, there aren't enough websites about that around... not) but I never know where to begin. Last year I made my unis cheerleading club website but I've lost the files and the programs to do it with when my hard drive wiped itself. I don't know if it's a worthwhile venture tbh. Can they really make that much of a difference? My boyfriend suggested blogging, but he doesn't know about this blog. And besides; all the popular blogs are either about food, fitness, science (which I am not clever enough for) or makeup/fashion. Nothing there that I can do adequately, let alone as an 'authority'.

In other news, for the first time in ages, I weighed in at 137lbs this morning. I should be happier about this.

I don't want to eat dinner. I don't want to eat. I don't want to.

Linear terms

Five years ago, I didn't care about my weight. I laughed, danced, cared for everyone yet ignored people who looked down on me for being a 'big' girl (even though my BMI was only 26.5, yes, that was 'big' in my school. It's so wrong), ate what I wanted when I wanted and didn't give a shit in general about anything other than ME. Yes, I self harmed and was unhappy in many ways but in many others I was beautiful and happy and loving. I would go to Tescos every lunch time in sixth form and buy glorious things - cookies, sandwiches full of mayonnaise and cheese, full fat drinks, sugar and crisps and whatever the hell I wanted.

Four years ago I went to uni. I saw that people all over the country were as judgmental as the girls I grew up with and something changed in me; it was me who had the problem, not them. I was in the wrong. I began to change myself. I still danced and ate what I wanted but try as I might I couldn't ignore people who looked down on me for my less than perfect body any more. I made changes and for the first time in my life, I felt that I was unworthy. I felt the urge to hurt myself more as a punishment. I felt the pull of death and wanted to go to it for the first time in my life. My shopping changed from 100% what I wanted to 75% what I wanted and 25% what I felt I needed, like diet drinks and fruit.

Three years ago I saw a change on the scale. I hated myself now. I missed the carefree girl who laughed and danced and cared for everyone. I no longer ignored people who looked down on me. Suddenly, just eating less wasn't enough. I had to exercise more, earn more money, go out more, get more drunk. Be a grown up, away from the childish world of Prada bags and thigh gaps. Away from the girls who called me names and made me feel small for being who I was. I stopped buying the crisps and the sugary sweets. I began feeling guilty when I bought the sandwiches with cheese and mayo and crap in.

Two years ago I fell too deep. I cared no longer about anyone, I rarely laughed, I danced with no song in my heart, I wanted to be thinner and yet it never happened because I wasn't, in my eyes, dedicated enough. I wanted to die and tried to kill myself. I wanted to be away from everything. Just being an adult wasn't enough. It sucked. People are still mean to you whether you're 12 or 20. People start to die as you get older. People start to hurt you intentionally. I didn't buy anything. I ate what I had to to stop my parents worrying as I lived at home again, but it was the bare minimum. I learnt the tricks of making it look like I'd eaten when I hadn't.

One year ago I covered up the wounds of the past with hope for the future. It didn't work. It never works. Moving out to uni again I regained control of my shopping and filled my fridge with glorious things, fattening things, beautiful things I hadn't had the desire to eat in years. Yet without fail every week they got thrown in the bin as I tried to stop myself from gorging on them. I wasted so much money on food that I didn't eat...

Now I stock my fridge with vegetables and turkey ham. I drink a 1.5l bottle of water + a day. I feel guilty if I eat over 1100 calories whether I've exercised or not. I occasionally buy cookies and crisps but every bite I take of them is torture and I know that soon they'll go completely. My cupboard is full of things that don't go off like pasta and rice but things I don't allow myself to have. My room is filled with fruit. For the first time this morning, I made up my bowl of porridge and I only ate half of it. Because I felt too bad for eating so many carbs that I couldn't handle it any more. It was easier to put it down. I've stopped cutting myself. But is this any better?

I have not been that happy carefree girl for five years now and it kills me. I want her back. I don't want to count calories, or feel guilty for eating too much, or go running for 45 minutes just so I can have a handful of skittles. I don't want to cry when I think of my life or feel the emotions that people normally feel. I don't want to have to struggle all the time. Makes it seem pointless. :(

To add to my post from Sunday

This is what I need to do between now and going home for Easter at the end of March:

- Lectures as usual (16 hours a week if I go to them all)
- Try and get a doctors appointment and sort my life out
- Hopefully start counselling
- Sort out my house; there's still a lot of problems with it and the other house mates
- Dissertation meetings and ethics forms
- 3 blog posts and 18 comments for my stats class
- Go to the disability office and see if they can help me out with my 9ams/lack of motivation/just shitness
- 4 midterm exams
- 2 cheerleading competitions
- Learn the pom dance routine and have it perfect
- Improve cheerleading routine so it's better for last comp
- 2 assignments
- Apply for a job being a warden next year
- Cheerleading and gymnastics training
- Mentoring kids in schools (only two more of those left though)
- Try to stay alive and smoke/alcohol/cut/binge/starve free
- Get my sister and dad a birthday present

Out of all of those, this week I have:
- A 9am tomorrow that I have to attend
- A meeting with my estate agent (again, tomorrow morning, so I'm double booked)
- Go to town, return my broken bag from H+M, pick up my cheerleading top, get money out for my pom dance costume and sort out the gas bill even though I'm still waiting for the money from one guy
- Read a 25 page long paper for our dissertation meeting on Wednesday
- Go and see my tutor to collect my semester 1 results and see if I have to retake anything
- Go to the disability office
- Try and get the GP appointment
- Write my blog before Saturday
- Start revising for midterms
- Finish 1 assignment and start the next
- Finish my job app.
- Cheer training every night
- Comp on Sunday, leaving here at 3:30am, competing at 8:30am and 1pm and then getting back here at about 11pm (then a 9am lecture on Monday)

I don't think I can do this. So much stuff to do. I can't even share some of it out... there was going to be more but I managed to say no to it. Arghhhh :(

I need to stop watching shows like The Biggest Loser

because it triggers me so much. For these reasons:

- Watching the numbers on the scale at the weigh in go down so fast (especially in the first few episodes)
- Seeing how hard they exercise
- Wondering about what they eat and how long they exercise for
- Looking at them as a form of reverse thinspo

Seriously, 22lbs weightloss in ONE week?! That's insane. 22lbs weightloss would take me to my UGW. In total each team lost 104lbs between them, that's the weight that some healthy people weigh. Fuck, some healthy people weigh less than that.

My brain just exploded. And now I want to work out until I throw up.

Not sure how much longer I can hold on any more...

Everything is so stressful...

Uni work is hard and there's so much to do that I don't know where to start so I don't start it at all.

Cheerleading is going terribly and we have a comp next weekend and the weekend after that.

I can't see my boyfriend for Valentines day (even though neither of us really care about it) as I have cheer practice tomorrow night, and a lecture on Wednesday at 9am so I can't get there and back in time.

I haven't seen my family in months and will miss my Dads and sisters birthdays in April because of cheerleading.

I can't start any meds until at least March because of cheerleading and exams.

I got bumped down the counselling waiting list because I didn't get the email with my appointment in.

My laptop died just after Christmas and wiped my hard drive so I can't update the website I built for our cheerleading squad or update my iPod with the 6 CDs, including running tracks, that I've bought since then.

All I can think about is food.

I keep bingeing randomly but because I can't purge I'm gaining weight.

I see nothing good in myself and just want to curl up and cry all the time

And to top it of... I'm still fucking fat.

God I hate life.

New beginnings

New year right? A bit late but it's ok.

I've started training for a 5k run, using the couch to 5k program. Did my first run last night and I enjoyed it, but got a bit bored running around and around a football pitch... so tomorrow night I think I might go run somewhere else. Trouble is I'm trying to keep it relatively flat to begin with (once I've done all the 9 weeks I plan to do it again but using a very hilly route) and living in North Wales, this is difficult. To put it into context - I live at the bottom of a hill. To the right of my house, is another hill. Behind my house, is a third hill. It's kinda in a valley I guess. But running straight along the main roads leads to... yes... another hill. Random brainwave... I could run along the main road to where it starts to climb, turn around and run back the rest of the way. Following the commands ofc. Yeah, that'll do.

Had one exam yesterday, which went ok I think considering it's a module I have been in 4 out of 12 lectures. We had 4 short answer questions (SAQs), and two of them I smashed through and am relatively happy with - the first one I mucked up a little and it's really annoying me but the second one was spot on I reckon. Even threw in a little bit of extra at the end to make it look like I'd done loads of reading ;) The other two SAQs were from the hardest lectures I've ever seen and so I knew that I wouldn't do massively well at them, but I made a guess and I think I might have picked up a point or two here and there in them. The multiple choice (MCQs) section wasn't too bad, some 'could be this, could be that' questions but on the whole I think I got about half right. Which leads me with some hope of passing, yay! If I don't pass it, I think I have to retake it in June... PITA.

Tomorrow I have a stats final, not looking forward to that but it should be one of the easier exams as we're allowed a crib sheet and she's given us 10 of the 50 MCQs beforehand. So I'm not massively worried about that.

However on Thursday I have a 2 hour neurobiology exam and I am shitting it. I'll have roughly 24 hours to learn and revise 12 hours worth of content; doesn't sound much but this stuff is so so complicated to understand. It's both MCQ and SAQ, and I'm not looking forward to it at all.

Next Thursday is my last final, in social psychology, which I'm currently averaging a low A-/A in; and the module I'm most confident in. So much so that I'm planning to do most of my revision on Saturday and then I'm off to my boyfriends until Wednesday evening. I have to plan an essay for it which will take me a day I reckon, and then learn the plan, and then make sure I know all the content. Shouldn't be too hard.

Food wise has been a bit ridiculous recently. Yesterday's out put for MFP:

Totals	934	110	31	29
Your Daily Goal	1,454	199	48	54
Remaining	520	89	17	25
	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein
	*You've earned 254 extra calories from exercise today

Today is still unknown, I'm at about 600 with dinner still left to eat and I'm a bit worried. I don't know. It feels recently that this whole thing has got a tighter grip on me than it ever has before. Maybe it's the stress? Idk. No time for exercise today :(

2012

Happy new year, may it bring you happiness, wealth, love, beauty and most importantly of all, peace :)

Comment replies:
Beth, Princess, my Christmas was surprisingly wonderful. I say surprisingly as it was the first year that we didn't do the traditions with my sister staying at her fiancé's for Christmas morning. However, it was still lovely. I hope yours was similar :)

Happiness; the temptation to just squirrel all my money away is winning out I think... Plus my parents have promised me one for my birthday in May :D