Saturday, 17 March 2012

It never rains but it pours, eh?

My great aunt, who I met once or twice in my life, but who still sent me a birthday and christmas card every year passed away last week.

My Nana is really ill in hospital again - she was taken into hospital during the day Thursday with a chest infection and had to be transferred to ICU last night at god knows what hour. According to my Dad who's seen her she's looking perkier and better today so hopefully it was just an extinction burst style thing (check out my psych lingo there; erm, hopefully it was just a gotta get worse to get better thing) but I don't know. She gets chest infections every year, around this time, and every year she's in hospital seriously ill with them. Every year I wonder if it'll be the last time... she's not 70 yet. Her mind is very sharp and strong but her body isn't.

I'm failing my compulsory module again. Module selection for next year is on Wednesday and I'm really torn between going down the 'safe' route (modules with less exams, more oral presentations and topics I've done before that I know I can do) or going down the slightly more risky route of modules that are heavy on exams but topics I've never done before and I'm finding interesting to think about.

Cheerleading is no longer fun, it's now a massive chore. As no-one in my group gets on with my other side base, the atmosphere is always tense and I feel that I'm blamed a lot when things go wrong because I just cba to argue with anyone about it; or defend myself when I'm not in the wrong. Eurgh.

Everything with me is getting worse. My mood is improving because this time next week I'll be at home; but equally my heart is heavy because this time next week I can no longer get away with only eating 600 calories all day or exercising to a net calorie total of 500 calories. I can skip lunch and breakfast but dinner is always a massive meal which will no doubt be over 1000 calories every day - I'm just going to balloon :( I might try and make sure I do at least an hour of cardio every day when my parents are out. They won't know if I don't tell them. I'm meant to be training for a 5k in May anyway so it's justifiable right?

Shopping is a mammoth task again. An hour today. An hour to buy £12 worth of things. Freaking ridiculous. Every item I put in my basket has five minutes of standing at the shelf considering it, and then later on another five minutes standing at another shelf deciding whether it should stay or go. Stupid head.

I wish it would stop raining.

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