Monday, 5 December 2011

Fear, loathing and self hatred

So... I've been mainly hanging out on tumblr for the last few months. Hiding from the world under a completely new internet identity. I'm so rad that I don't even use proper grammar on tumblr, so I look younger and can't be linked to me (as I am a total grammar nazi in real life). Strange logic but logic none the less. I always think someone's going to recognise me off this blog because of my writing style... crazy, eh?

Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.

The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.

Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.

Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.

I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.

Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.

My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.

I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.

So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.

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