It's a horrible topic and I feel awful for writing this but right now I'm really starting to doubt being with my boyfriend. I love him, being with him makes me so happy and talking to him is the highlight of my day but sometimes... Idk. He tells me that he wants me to talk to him about everything I think about (cutting/depression wise) but then gets stressed with me when I do? I've said since it seems to upset or frustrate him then it'd be better if I just suffer in silence because right now recovery from self harm isn't going to happen. It's a coping mechanism that I've been using for nearly 5 years and so far the only thing that has changed is the fact that I have someone who loves my unconditionally which is starting to quell the suicidal thoughts but won't change the self harming tendencies. I know it hurts him that I don't respect myself enough to look after myself and not hurt myself but I know that eventually it'll stop. I'm just not strong enough to do it alone and when he gets stressed at me for talking about it I get more stressed out and want to do it more.
Like I said to him yesterday, I'm not a simple person to understand, and I don't even want him to understand it; I just want him to listen to me and not judge me for it. I know he doesn't mean it but it's hard to remember that at the time.