This is what I need to do between now and going home for Easter at the end of March:
- Lectures as usual (16 hours a week if I go to them all)
- Try and get a doctors appointment and sort my life out
- Hopefully start counselling
- Sort out my house; there's still a lot of problems with it and the other house mates
- Dissertation meetings and ethics forms
- 3 blog posts and 18 comments for my stats class
- Go to the disability office and see if they can help me out with my 9ams/lack of motivation/just shitness
- 4 midterm exams
- 2 cheerleading competitions
- Learn the pom dance routine and have it perfect
- Improve cheerleading routine so it's better for last comp
- 2 assignments
- Apply for a job being a warden next year
- Cheerleading and gymnastics training
- Mentoring kids in schools (only two more of those left though)
- Try to stay alive and smoke/alcohol/cut/binge/starve free
- Get my sister and dad a birthday present
Out of all of those, this week I have:
- A 9am tomorrow that I have to attend
- A meeting with my estate agent (again, tomorrow morning, so I'm double booked)
- Go to town, return my broken bag from H+M, pick up my cheerleading top, get money out for my pom dance costume and sort out the gas bill even though I'm still waiting for the money from one guy
- Read a 25 page long paper for our dissertation meeting on Wednesday
- Go and see my tutor to collect my semester 1 results and see if I have to retake anything
- Go to the disability office
- Try and get the GP appointment
- Write my blog before Saturday
- Start revising for midterms
- Finish 1 assignment and start the next
- Finish my job app.
- Cheer training every night
- Comp on Sunday, leaving here at 3:30am, competing at 8:30am and 1pm and then getting back here at about 11pm (then a 9am lecture on Monday)
I don't think I can do this. So much stuff to do. I can't even share some of it out... there was going to be more but I managed to say no to it. Arghhhh :(
Monday, 13 February 2012
Sunday, 12 February 2012
I need to stop watching shows like The Biggest Loser
because it triggers me so much. For these reasons:
- Watching the numbers on the scale at the weigh in go down so fast (especially in the first few episodes)
- Seeing how hard they exercise
- Wondering about what they eat and how long they exercise for
- Looking at them as a form of reverse thinspo
Seriously, 22lbs weightloss in ONE week?! That's insane. 22lbs weightloss would take me to my UGW. In total each team lost 104lbs between them, that's the weight that some healthy people weigh. Fuck, some healthy people weigh less than that.
My brain just exploded. And now I want to work out until I throw up.
- Watching the numbers on the scale at the weigh in go down so fast (especially in the first few episodes)
- Seeing how hard they exercise
- Wondering about what they eat and how long they exercise for
- Looking at them as a form of reverse thinspo
Seriously, 22lbs weightloss in ONE week?! That's insane. 22lbs weightloss would take me to my UGW. In total each team lost 104lbs between them, that's the weight that some healthy people weigh. Fuck, some healthy people weigh less than that.
My brain just exploded. And now I want to work out until I throw up.
Not sure how much longer I can hold on any more...
Everything is so stressful...
Uni work is hard and there's so much to do that I don't know where to start so I don't start it at all.
Cheerleading is going terribly and we have a comp next weekend and the weekend after that.
I can't see my boyfriend for Valentines day (even though neither of us really care about it) as I have cheer practice tomorrow night, and a lecture on Wednesday at 9am so I can't get there and back in time.
I haven't seen my family in months and will miss my Dads and sisters birthdays in April because of cheerleading.
I can't start any meds until at least March because of cheerleading and exams.
I got bumped down the counselling waiting list because I didn't get the email with my appointment in.
My laptop died just after Christmas and wiped my hard drive so I can't update the website I built for our cheerleading squad or update my iPod with the 6 CDs, including running tracks, that I've bought since then.
All I can think about is food.
I keep bingeing randomly but because I can't purge I'm gaining weight.
I see nothing good in myself and just want to curl up and cry all the time
And to top it of... I'm still fucking fat.
God I hate life.
Uni work is hard and there's so much to do that I don't know where to start so I don't start it at all.
Cheerleading is going terribly and we have a comp next weekend and the weekend after that.
I can't see my boyfriend for Valentines day (even though neither of us really care about it) as I have cheer practice tomorrow night, and a lecture on Wednesday at 9am so I can't get there and back in time.
I haven't seen my family in months and will miss my Dads and sisters birthdays in April because of cheerleading.
I can't start any meds until at least March because of cheerleading and exams.
I got bumped down the counselling waiting list because I didn't get the email with my appointment in.
My laptop died just after Christmas and wiped my hard drive so I can't update the website I built for our cheerleading squad or update my iPod with the 6 CDs, including running tracks, that I've bought since then.
All I can think about is food.
I keep bingeing randomly but because I can't purge I'm gaining weight.
I see nothing good in myself and just want to curl up and cry all the time
And to top it of... I'm still fucking fat.
God I hate life.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
New beginnings
New year right? A bit late but it's ok.
I've started training for a 5k run, using the couch to 5k program. Did my first run last night and I enjoyed it, but got a bit bored running around and around a football pitch... so tomorrow night I think I might go run somewhere else. Trouble is I'm trying to keep it relatively flat to begin with (once I've done all the 9 weeks I plan to do it again but using a very hilly route) and living in North Wales, this is difficult. To put it into context - I live at the bottom of a hill. To the right of my house, is another hill. Behind my house, is a third hill. It's kinda in a valley I guess. But running straight along the main roads leads to... yes... another hill. Random brainwave... I could run along the main road to where it starts to climb, turn around and run back the rest of the way. Following the commands ofc. Yeah, that'll do.
Had one exam yesterday, which went ok I think considering it's a module I have been in 4 out of 12 lectures. We had 4 short answer questions (SAQs), and two of them I smashed through and am relatively happy with - the first one I mucked up a little and it's really annoying me but the second one was spot on I reckon. Even threw in a little bit of extra at the end to make it look like I'd done loads of reading ;) The other two SAQs were from the hardest lectures I've ever seen and so I knew that I wouldn't do massively well at them, but I made a guess and I think I might have picked up a point or two here and there in them. The multiple choice (MCQs) section wasn't too bad, some 'could be this, could be that' questions but on the whole I think I got about half right. Which leads me with some hope of passing, yay! If I don't pass it, I think I have to retake it in June... PITA.
Tomorrow I have a stats final, not looking forward to that but it should be one of the easier exams as we're allowed a crib sheet and she's given us 10 of the 50 MCQs beforehand. So I'm not massively worried about that.
However on Thursday I have a 2 hour neurobiology exam and I am shitting it. I'll have roughly 24 hours to learn and revise 12 hours worth of content; doesn't sound much but this stuff is so so complicated to understand. It's both MCQ and SAQ, and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
Next Thursday is my last final, in social psychology, which I'm currently averaging a low A-/A in; and the module I'm most confident in. So much so that I'm planning to do most of my revision on Saturday and then I'm off to my boyfriends until Wednesday evening. I have to plan an essay for it which will take me a day I reckon, and then learn the plan, and then make sure I know all the content. Shouldn't be too hard.
Food wise has been a bit ridiculous recently. Yesterday's out put for MFP:
Today is still unknown, I'm at about 600 with dinner still left to eat and I'm a bit worried. I don't know. It feels recently that this whole thing has got a tighter grip on me than it ever has before. Maybe it's the stress? Idk. No time for exercise today :(
I've started training for a 5k run, using the couch to 5k program. Did my first run last night and I enjoyed it, but got a bit bored running around and around a football pitch... so tomorrow night I think I might go run somewhere else. Trouble is I'm trying to keep it relatively flat to begin with (once I've done all the 9 weeks I plan to do it again but using a very hilly route) and living in North Wales, this is difficult. To put it into context - I live at the bottom of a hill. To the right of my house, is another hill. Behind my house, is a third hill. It's kinda in a valley I guess. But running straight along the main roads leads to... yes... another hill. Random brainwave... I could run along the main road to where it starts to climb, turn around and run back the rest of the way. Following the commands ofc. Yeah, that'll do.
Had one exam yesterday, which went ok I think considering it's a module I have been in 4 out of 12 lectures. We had 4 short answer questions (SAQs), and two of them I smashed through and am relatively happy with - the first one I mucked up a little and it's really annoying me but the second one was spot on I reckon. Even threw in a little bit of extra at the end to make it look like I'd done loads of reading ;) The other two SAQs were from the hardest lectures I've ever seen and so I knew that I wouldn't do massively well at them, but I made a guess and I think I might have picked up a point or two here and there in them. The multiple choice (MCQs) section wasn't too bad, some 'could be this, could be that' questions but on the whole I think I got about half right. Which leads me with some hope of passing, yay! If I don't pass it, I think I have to retake it in June... PITA.
Tomorrow I have a stats final, not looking forward to that but it should be one of the easier exams as we're allowed a crib sheet and she's given us 10 of the 50 MCQs beforehand. So I'm not massively worried about that.
However on Thursday I have a 2 hour neurobiology exam and I am shitting it. I'll have roughly 24 hours to learn and revise 12 hours worth of content; doesn't sound much but this stuff is so so complicated to understand. It's both MCQ and SAQ, and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
Next Thursday is my last final, in social psychology, which I'm currently averaging a low A-/A in; and the module I'm most confident in. So much so that I'm planning to do most of my revision on Saturday and then I'm off to my boyfriends until Wednesday evening. I have to plan an essay for it which will take me a day I reckon, and then learn the plan, and then make sure I know all the content. Shouldn't be too hard.
Food wise has been a bit ridiculous recently. Yesterday's out put for MFP:
| Totals | 934 | 110 | 31 | 29 | |
| Your Daily Goal | 1,454 | 199 | 48 | 54 | |
| Remaining | 520 | 89 | 17 | 25 | |
| Calories | Carbs | Fat | Protein | ||
| *You've earned 254 extra calories from exercise today | |||||
Today is still unknown, I'm at about 600 with dinner still left to eat and I'm a bit worried. I don't know. It feels recently that this whole thing has got a tighter grip on me than it ever has before. Maybe it's the stress? Idk. No time for exercise today :(
Monday, 2 January 2012
2012
Happy new year, may it bring you happiness, wealth, love, beauty and most importantly of all, peace :)
Comment replies:
Beth, Princess, my Christmas was surprisingly wonderful. I say surprisingly as it was the first year that we didn't do the traditions with my sister staying at her fiancé's for Christmas morning. However, it was still lovely. I hope yours was similar :)
Happiness; the temptation to just squirrel all my money away is winning out I think... Plus my parents have promised me one for my birthday in May :D
Comment replies:
Beth, Princess, my Christmas was surprisingly wonderful. I say surprisingly as it was the first year that we didn't do the traditions with my sister staying at her fiancé's for Christmas morning. However, it was still lovely. I hope yours was similar :)
Happiness; the temptation to just squirrel all my money away is winning out I think... Plus my parents have promised me one for my birthday in May :D
Friday, 30 December 2011
Hi, new depth of insanity
I think I've just hit an all time low.
I really really want a coffee maker, more specifically a Tassimo coffee maker. Can get a decent one for about £70... but I'm holding off buying it because I'm not 100% what the average calorie content of a coffee/hot drink made in one is and if they don't have skimmed milk pods, I'm not getting it.
I can not base life decisions on whether or not there's a low fat option >.<'
I really really want a coffee maker, more specifically a Tassimo coffee maker. Can get a decent one for about £70... but I'm holding off buying it because I'm not 100% what the average calorie content of a coffee/hot drink made in one is and if they don't have skimmed milk pods, I'm not getting it.
I can not base life decisions on whether or not there's a low fat option >.<'
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Christmas photos...
None of people, I'm afraid. Just presents given and received. This might be a bit boring but it's a means of procrastination...
First off, presents I received from my parents (a few things are missing)
From the left hand side to the right, back to front;
- Large black overnight/weekend bag, which has some lovely (full sized, which is rare for gift sets!) Mandara Spa toiletries in. Gonna use this when I go visit my boy :)
- Dr Who Monopoly set
- Paperchase box (not a present) holding all my stocking fillers. Photo of them coming
- Hand made hot water bottle, my sister did everything on this herself apart from making the material and the actual hot water bottle.
- Set of organising books including a birthday book, an address book and a yearless diary
- Tea time cookie cutter set :D
- Ruby make up gift set, looks lovely but I haven't had a chance to have a proper look at it yet.
- Books; 'The cat who came for christmas' by Cleveland Amory which I've started but not got much into yet. Not my normal type of book but it's a pleasant read so far. Big book of cocktail recipes, again not had much of a read yet but it looks awesome on my flicking :D and Christopher Ransom's 'The people next door'. I haven't even read the blurb on this but for what I gather it's either a mystery or horror book. Should be decent!
- Inbetweeners Yearbook and DVD, gonna watch it with my Dad tonight maybe.
- China horse that goes with the two I got for my 21st and my christmas presents last year. It's very pretty :)
- Joggers, standard!
- PJs, again, pretty standard. Long sleeved which is great for me :)
- Cat trinket box thing, it's cute. From a German market I believe... will probably use it for jewellery as I currently have mine laying around at uni
- The four little black boxes contain a pandora *style* necklace and a few different beads to go on them. They're not expensive ones (as said by my Mum!) so I can wear them out and about and not worry about them. Perfect.
- Not pictured; massive light up make up mirror from No. 7. I'm in love with it!
Close up of the water bottle that I am in love with...
In my stocking was...
First off, presents I received from my parents (a few things are missing)
- Large black overnight/weekend bag, which has some lovely (full sized, which is rare for gift sets!) Mandara Spa toiletries in. Gonna use this when I go visit my boy :)
- Dr Who Monopoly set
- Paperchase box (not a present) holding all my stocking fillers. Photo of them coming
- Hand made hot water bottle, my sister did everything on this herself apart from making the material and the actual hot water bottle.
- Set of organising books including a birthday book, an address book and a yearless diary
- Tea time cookie cutter set :D
- Ruby make up gift set, looks lovely but I haven't had a chance to have a proper look at it yet.
- Books; 'The cat who came for christmas' by Cleveland Amory which I've started but not got much into yet. Not my normal type of book but it's a pleasant read so far. Big book of cocktail recipes, again not had much of a read yet but it looks awesome on my flicking :D and Christopher Ransom's 'The people next door'. I haven't even read the blurb on this but for what I gather it's either a mystery or horror book. Should be decent!
- Inbetweeners Yearbook and DVD, gonna watch it with my Dad tonight maybe.
- China horse that goes with the two I got for my 21st and my christmas presents last year. It's very pretty :)
- Joggers, standard!
- PJs, again, pretty standard. Long sleeved which is great for me :)
- Cat trinket box thing, it's cute. From a German market I believe... will probably use it for jewellery as I currently have mine laying around at uni
- The four little black boxes contain a pandora *style* necklace and a few different beads to go on them. They're not expensive ones (as said by my Mum!) so I can wear them out and about and not worry about them. Perfect.
- Not pictured; massive light up make up mirror from No. 7. I'm in love with it!
Close up of the water bottle that I am in love with...
In my stocking was...
Lots of toiletries, some chocolate, a little purple tea light holder that looks beautiful when you put a light in (my mum has an orange one downstairs and it is really lovely) and a few little knick knack things. The magnet in the right corner says 'If at first you don't succeed, do it as your mother told you to' - my philosophy exactly ;) I also got a calendar and a pair of fluffy arm warmers in my stocking, but they're downstairs.
Lots of face masks in here! Happy about that, I really need to start a proper face care skin routine.
Now... sales shopping...
- Bag from H+M, £14.99 so not in the sale but I had a gift card for £30 from a relative so I used that.
- Make up bag/pencil case (undecided how I'm going to use it yet) from Paperchase
- Two boxes from Paperchase, the bigger one is going to have all my beauty products I think and the little one will sit on my desk with treats and sweets in *teehee*
- Going to put the tissue paper on my wardrobe wall to brighten my room up a bit
- Curling wand, wanted one for ages and this was half price at £20.49 so thought fuck it! It's a Babyliss one. From youtube videos I've come to the conclusion that 'Babyliss' in the UK is 'Conair' in America. Or, at the very least, the two curling wands are exactly the same. I've been experimenting with it and have yet to do it to a satisfactory level but I am getting better.
And now for the giving... only one picture unfortunately, and it's not all nicely bordered like the others, but this is the hamper I made my mum (I made my sister and her fiancé one too, it was blue and gold instead of purple and gold).
I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and got what you hoped for. Have a happy new year guys, I'll be back soon I think.
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
Monday, 26 December 2011
Friday, 16 December 2011
Annnnnd I'm outta here :D
Well, almost.
BF came over Wednesday and gave me the extra big suitcase I need to fit all my stuff in for christmas (oops. It's really heavy and it's going to be great fun getting it on a packed train... three times... yay?)... he was meant to go home Wednesday evening but he kinda stayed the night. I had nothing to do with that ;) He said just before he left that I was 'better than [he] had expected'... apparently he was expecting a night of suicide attempts and self harming. That boy's such a charmer... as I explained to him, when I'm alone everything gets on top of me and I feel terrible. When I'm around him or other company, normally I'm fine unless I'm feeling really shit. I dunno. I can control myself around people.
I'm trying to find a new theme for my tumblr (http://slipandsink.tumblr.com/)... hmm. Thinking about paying for a premium one, nothing over £2 though. Any suggestions?
I really don't have much else to say. Sad times. Other than how frustrating it is to eat less and stay the same weight. I eat about 1100 calories a day now and I'm STILL 140lbs. WTF.
Also... I do still read your blogs. Honestly.
BF came over Wednesday and gave me the extra big suitcase I need to fit all my stuff in for christmas (oops. It's really heavy and it's going to be great fun getting it on a packed train... three times... yay?)... he was meant to go home Wednesday evening but he kinda stayed the night. I had nothing to do with that ;) He said just before he left that I was 'better than [he] had expected'... apparently he was expecting a night of suicide attempts and self harming. That boy's such a charmer... as I explained to him, when I'm alone everything gets on top of me and I feel terrible. When I'm around him or other company, normally I'm fine unless I'm feeling really shit. I dunno. I can control myself around people.
I'm trying to find a new theme for my tumblr (http://slipandsink.tumblr.com/)... hmm. Thinking about paying for a premium one, nothing over £2 though. Any suggestions?
I really don't have much else to say. Sad times. Other than how frustrating it is to eat less and stay the same weight. I eat about 1100 calories a day now and I'm STILL 140lbs. WTF.
Also... I do still read your blogs. Honestly.
Friday, 9 December 2011
Bleh
Massively over used title. Do I care? No, I'm a rebel see.
Cut yesterday. Bad me.
I have no idea what to do or where to go.
Who to talk to. Where to turn.
1) Doctor... effort and pointless as I'm out of here for a month next week
2) Counselling... similar. Been referred since October but haven't been yet
3) BF... not fair on him
4) Parents/family/friends... just no
5) The internet... a rather empty solution
Sigh.
Cut yesterday. Bad me.
I have no idea what to do or where to go.
Who to talk to. Where to turn.
1) Doctor... effort and pointless as I'm out of here for a month next week
2) Counselling... similar. Been referred since October but haven't been yet
3) BF... not fair on him
4) Parents/family/friends... just no
5) The internet... a rather empty solution
Sigh.
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Holy crap
As noted in my last post, I'm pretty much failing second year.
Got all my midterm results back now -
Psychobiology: D+ (49.5% of overall grade)
Research methods: C- (about 24% of overall grade)
Personality psychology: D+ (about 30% of overall grade)
Social psychology: A- (about 40% of overall grade)
Wait, what?
A-?
Couple that with my A for my assignment I've already done, and the assignment that I have to hand in this week that I'm pretty confident I can get at least a B in, and I'm on track for at least a B in that module. Which is more than I wanted (works out as a high 2:1)
Even better is the exam was split in half; 50% multiple choice and 50% essay. I got a C- on the multiple choice section with 24 out of 32 questions correct. Which means my essay must have been an A*. I've never got an A* for an essay before!
Got all my midterm results back now -
Psychobiology: D+ (49.5% of overall grade)
Research methods: C- (about 24% of overall grade)
Personality psychology: D+ (about 30% of overall grade)
Social psychology: A- (about 40% of overall grade)
Wait, what?
A-?
Couple that with my A for my assignment I've already done, and the assignment that I have to hand in this week that I'm pretty confident I can get at least a B in, and I'm on track for at least a B in that module. Which is more than I wanted (works out as a high 2:1)
Even better is the exam was split in half; 50% multiple choice and 50% essay. I got a C- on the multiple choice section with 24 out of 32 questions correct. Which means my essay must have been an A*. I've never got an A* for an essay before!
Monday, 5 December 2011
Fear, loathing and self hatred
So... I've been mainly hanging out on tumblr for the last few months. Hiding from the world under a completely new internet identity. I'm so rad that I don't even use proper grammar on tumblr, so I look younger and can't be linked to me (as I am a total grammar nazi in real life). Strange logic but logic none the less. I always think someone's going to recognise me off this blog because of my writing style... crazy, eh?
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
Friday, 21 October 2011
Meh
ABC diet is... ok. I'm kinda picking and choosing what days I do and what days I don't - I can't really fast atm because of cheer and gymnastics. Thought I was going to die this morning traipsing up the hills to uni, was so pleased when I go to class and my TA produced a packet of cookies; I honestly think I would've just died if I hadn't eaten something. Especially as I'm very sleep deprived right now. No more than 5 hours a night :(
Did a sneaky weigh in this morning. 137.6lbs. YAY! Then I thought, wait, I like to double check with another measurement, preferably in a different scale, y'know? So hopped back on with the scales set to kilos and I weighed in at... 66.6kgs. That's 146lbs. Wait, what?!
So I'm gonna have to weigh again about three times tomorrow. Bleh. Not good, given that today I've eaten lots of biscuits and my dinner was a lovely carb filled noodles and toast...
Still can't find my camera USB port thing so no pictures yet, still taking them for you all though so when I get it I'll post them :)
Did a sneaky weigh in this morning. 137.6lbs. YAY! Then I thought, wait, I like to double check with another measurement, preferably in a different scale, y'know? So hopped back on with the scales set to kilos and I weighed in at... 66.6kgs. That's 146lbs. Wait, what?!
So I'm gonna have to weigh again about three times tomorrow. Bleh. Not good, given that today I've eaten lots of biscuits and my dinner was a lovely carb filled noodles and toast...
Still can't find my camera USB port thing so no pictures yet, still taking them for you all though so when I get it I'll post them :)
Monday, 17 October 2011
ABC post 1
Starting weight: 146.6lbs
Goal weight (next week): 143lbs
Food for today:
Breakfast - Cheerios and semi skimmed milk, green tea = 150cals
Lunch - Small apple, two slices of seeded bread toast = 200 cals
Dinner - Salad (lettuce, cucumber, tomato, carrot shreds, beetroot, half slice of cheese, whatever else I can find in the fridge) = 100 cals
Snacks - Hot chocolate = 40 cals
Total = 490 cals
Water target - 1.5litres
Will report back on how I do :)
Goal weight (next week): 143lbs
Food for today:
Breakfast - Cheerios and semi skimmed milk, green tea = 150cals
Lunch - Small apple, two slices of seeded bread toast = 200 cals
Dinner - Salad (lettuce, cucumber, tomato, carrot shreds, beetroot, half slice of cheese, whatever else I can find in the fridge) = 100 cals
Snacks - Hot chocolate = 40 cals
Total = 490 cals
Water target - 1.5litres
Will report back on how I do :)
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Starting ABC tomorrow...
Day 1: 500 calories (or less)
I know it's not the most healthy or sensible diet but I desperately need a kick start to get myself on track. These last 10 days have just been horrendous, binging every day, not exercising and half the time not even going to lectures or getting out of bed until 3pm. Not been to cheerleading or exercised since... the 5th. Fuck me. No wonder I'm fat...
Rules:
- Weigh in/measure self only on Mondays
- Any extra cals must be burnt off with cardio
- Minimum of 40 minutes exercise a day
- Minimum of 1.5 litres of water drunk each day
- Post a picture to record progress every Monday as well
I'm determined to do this!
Day 2: 500 calories (or less)
Day 3: 300 calories
Day 4: 400 calories
Day 5: 100 calories
Day 6: 200
Day 7: 300 calories
Day 8: 400 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: FAST
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: FAST
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: FAST
Day 21: 300 calories
Day 22: 250 calories
Day 23: 200 calories
Day 24: 150 calories
Day 25: 100 calories
Day 26: 50
Day 27: 100 calories
Day 28: 200 calories
Day 29: 200 calories
Day 30: 300 calories
Day 31: 800 calories
Day 32: FAST
Day 33: 250 calories
Day 34: 350 calories
Day 35: 450 calories
Day 36: FAST
Day 37: 500 calories
Day 38: 450 calories
Day 39: 400 calories
Day 40: 350 calories
Day 41: 300 calories
Day 42: 250 calories
Day 43: 200 calories
Day 44: 200 calories
Day 45: 250 calories
Day 46: 200 calories
Day 47: 300 calories
Day 48: 200 calories
Day 49: 150 calories
Day 50: FAST I know it's not the most healthy or sensible diet but I desperately need a kick start to get myself on track. These last 10 days have just been horrendous, binging every day, not exercising and half the time not even going to lectures or getting out of bed until 3pm. Not been to cheerleading or exercised since... the 5th. Fuck me. No wonder I'm fat...
Rules:
- Weigh in/measure self only on Mondays
- Any extra cals must be burnt off with cardio
- Minimum of 40 minutes exercise a day
- Minimum of 1.5 litres of water drunk each day
- Post a picture to record progress every Monday as well
I'm determined to do this!
Friday, 7 October 2011
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Some nice reverse thinspo for ya...
Not everyone's cup of tea, and a little tongue in cheek...
Hehe belly button.
Top is 2 sizes too small for me - bought it for £2. One day I will post a picture where it looks GREAT on me. One day. I'll be wearing the size 12 jeans that I bought ages ago as well....
Top is 2 sizes too small for me - bought it for £2. One day I will post a picture where it looks GREAT on me. One day. I'll be wearing the size 12 jeans that I bought ages ago as well....
Saturday, 1 October 2011
I'm sorry
For being such a bad blogger. Truth is there's so much in my life right now I don't have time to blog here...
Currently I'm in lectures 15 hours a week, cheerleading 7 hours a week, gymnastics and swimming 6 hours, walking for at least two hours a day, planning and setting up extracurriculars for about 10 hours a week and sleeping a solid 9 hours every night. In my free time now I either eat (minimally) or am trying to do uni work. Or make some money. I have a few experiments (not as bad as they sound!) lined up that pay so I'm doing them a lot, as well as the ones I need to do for my course credit.
I've applied for a job manning phone lines calling alumni at the end of the month and a job mentoring pupils in the local high schools to try and keep them in education (should be interesting...). One is paid (the phone line) the other isn't but is great work experience and a chance to show that I am passionate about education, psychology and making up for my past mistakes.
I'm also trying to clean up my cheer squads website, which admittedly is nearly finished, just needs the last bits on it. Just haven't had the time/will to battle with HTML.
New flatmates moved in today; three Chinese guys and one Chinese girl. First impressions are good but still a little wary and anxious. :/
This week was the first week of lectures, and was largely introductory/slow ones. Apart from one - psychobiology. You know when you're on a rollercoaster that starts out slow and then gets really really fast and you lose track of where you are and what you're doing? It's still fun but a little WTF. Yeah, got about an hour into that two hour lecture and she just lost me completely. I was doing fine and then BAM it's gone. God damn it. So I've got to spend at least an hour today going over that stuff... Because I am determined to get over 65% in my modules this year. I wouldn't tell anyone else that (I've told them I'm aiming for a 2:2 - 55% - so if I get it I won't be disappointed) though.
Plus my room is an absolute TIP. So today... Tidy room, spend an hour going over lecture notes, wander into town. Plan.
I still need to do the last few posts of thinspo from my old computer.
Currently I'm in lectures 15 hours a week, cheerleading 7 hours a week, gymnastics and swimming 6 hours, walking for at least two hours a day, planning and setting up extracurriculars for about 10 hours a week and sleeping a solid 9 hours every night. In my free time now I either eat (minimally) or am trying to do uni work. Or make some money. I have a few experiments (not as bad as they sound!) lined up that pay so I'm doing them a lot, as well as the ones I need to do for my course credit.
I've applied for a job manning phone lines calling alumni at the end of the month and a job mentoring pupils in the local high schools to try and keep them in education (should be interesting...). One is paid (the phone line) the other isn't but is great work experience and a chance to show that I am passionate about education, psychology and making up for my past mistakes.
I'm also trying to clean up my cheer squads website, which admittedly is nearly finished, just needs the last bits on it. Just haven't had the time/will to battle with HTML.
New flatmates moved in today; three Chinese guys and one Chinese girl. First impressions are good but still a little wary and anxious. :/
This week was the first week of lectures, and was largely introductory/slow ones. Apart from one - psychobiology. You know when you're on a rollercoaster that starts out slow and then gets really really fast and you lose track of where you are and what you're doing? It's still fun but a little WTF. Yeah, got about an hour into that two hour lecture and she just lost me completely. I was doing fine and then BAM it's gone. God damn it. So I've got to spend at least an hour today going over that stuff... Because I am determined to get over 65% in my modules this year. I wouldn't tell anyone else that (I've told them I'm aiming for a 2:2 - 55% - so if I get it I won't be disappointed) though.
Plus my room is an absolute TIP. So today... Tidy room, spend an hour going over lecture notes, wander into town. Plan.
I still need to do the last few posts of thinspo from my old computer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)