To add to my post from Sunday

This is what I need to do between now and going home for Easter at the end of March:

- Lectures as usual (16 hours a week if I go to them all)
- Try and get a doctors appointment and sort my life out
- Hopefully start counselling
- Sort out my house; there's still a lot of problems with it and the other house mates
- Dissertation meetings and ethics forms
- 3 blog posts and 18 comments for my stats class
- Go to the disability office and see if they can help me out with my 9ams/lack of motivation/just shitness
- 4 midterm exams
- 2 cheerleading competitions
- Learn the pom dance routine and have it perfect
- Improve cheerleading routine so it's better for last comp
- 2 assignments
- Apply for a job being a warden next year
- Cheerleading and gymnastics training
- Mentoring kids in schools (only two more of those left though)
- Try to stay alive and smoke/alcohol/cut/binge/starve free
- Get my sister and dad a birthday present

Out of all of those, this week I have:
- A 9am tomorrow that I have to attend
- A meeting with my estate agent (again, tomorrow morning, so I'm double booked)
- Go to town, return my broken bag from H+M, pick up my cheerleading top, get money out for my pom dance costume and sort out the gas bill even though I'm still waiting for the money from one guy
- Read a 25 page long paper for our dissertation meeting on Wednesday
- Go and see my tutor to collect my semester 1 results and see if I have to retake anything
- Go to the disability office
- Try and get the GP appointment
- Write my blog before Saturday
- Start revising for midterms
- Finish 1 assignment and start the next
- Finish my job app.
- Cheer training every night
- Comp on Sunday, leaving here at 3:30am, competing at 8:30am and 1pm and then getting back here at about 11pm (then a 9am lecture on Monday)

I don't think I can do this. So much stuff to do. I can't even share some of it out... there was going to be more but I managed to say no to it. Arghhhh :(

Not sure how much longer I can hold on any more...

Everything is so stressful...

Uni work is hard and there's so much to do that I don't know where to start so I don't start it at all.

Cheerleading is going terribly and we have a comp next weekend and the weekend after that.

I can't see my boyfriend for Valentines day (even though neither of us really care about it) as I have cheer practice tomorrow night, and a lecture on Wednesday at 9am so I can't get there and back in time.

I haven't seen my family in months and will miss my Dads and sisters birthdays in April because of cheerleading.

I can't start any meds until at least March because of cheerleading and exams.

I got bumped down the counselling waiting list because I didn't get the email with my appointment in.

My laptop died just after Christmas and wiped my hard drive so I can't update the website I built for our cheerleading squad or update my iPod with the 6 CDs, including running tracks, that I've bought since then.

All I can think about is food.

I keep bingeing randomly but because I can't purge I'm gaining weight.

I see nothing good in myself and just want to curl up and cry all the time

And to top it of... I'm still fucking fat.

God I hate life.

Swings and roundabouts

Mainly swings though.

Down. down. down.

WHEEE UP

down.


down


d-o-w-n.


I feel so so fat.

Been watching loads of high school cheerleading shows/movies/videos. They're all prettier, better, skinnier and nicer looking than me.

I'm going on a bike ride so I can get out of the house and stop shouting at Andy. Plus also I need to shift some fat. Fatty. Though if I was really dedicated to not being such a lard arse I'd cycle out to the next village and go to that cake shop rather than the one 20 minutes from my house. FUCKING WEAK.

Moan moan moan

Sorry guys. I haven't posted much recently because tbh, everything I type comes out as just moany and horrible. I considered deleting this as well but... fuck it. Just skip over this rambling, nonsense, needy post.

Let's see, over the last two weeks I've...
1) Got so incredibly drunk I had to tell work I 'forgot' I was meant to be working and spent the next day throwing up
2) Attempted to get high
3) Spent about £250 that I don't have
4) Contemplated how shittily my life is going
5) Tried to do some revision/essay writing and failed
6) Got normally drunk three nights in a row
7) Made my room a mess
8) Slept.

:/ Mmm. I need to get money, get happier, and get thinner. No. I want money, I want to be happier, and I want to be thinner. Want want want. ME ME ME ME. I hate me. I hate the concept of 'me'. When I see kids in the supermarket crying because they want the brightly coloured sweets their mum won't buy for them, I get all teary. Fuck you, consumerist society. I remember clearly being 12 years old and my Mum spotting a t-shirt in New Look that said 'Saw it, wanted it, had a fit, got it' on. She laughed and bought me one as it was 'exactly my character'. Really? That's what I am? Needy and desperate and shit? There is nothing good in someone who acts like that. They have no redeeming qualities.
wantwantwantwantwantwantwantCAN'THAVEwantwantwantwant.

I need, practically, somewhere to live for the next year of uni, I need to revise for my exams and write my essay. I need to tidy my bedroom. Those are REAL priorities.

Andy said the other day... 'I like you because you don't care about whether people think you're fat or thin. You eat if you want to eat what's in front of you, without regard for what it is. I wouldn't like to be with someone who you go out to eat with and all they eat is a cucumber stick. I like girls who tuck into a good, rare steak. Like you' Does this guy actually know me?

I hate having my plans messed with

I said to work yesterday that I could do a 9 - 6 tomorrow. No problem. Mid week, kids are still at school, Andy's at work, not a problem. They phoned me this morning and said I don't need to come in any more which is great because actually, it's Andy's day off tomorrow and we could do something! So I spent the day making plans, happy as anything, planned to have a few drinks tonight, wait for Andy, generally not worrying.

Got a phone call half an hour ago asking me back in tomorrow because they've made a mistake.

>.<'

I don't wanna goooooo :*(