My great aunt, who I met once or twice in my life, but who still sent me a birthday and christmas card every year passed away last week.
My Nana is really ill in hospital again - she was taken into hospital during the day Thursday with a chest infection and had to be transferred to ICU last night at god knows what hour. According to my Dad who's seen her she's looking perkier and better today so hopefully it was just an extinction burst style thing (check out my psych lingo there; erm, hopefully it was just a gotta get worse to get better thing) but I don't know. She gets chest infections every year, around this time, and every year she's in hospital seriously ill with them. Every year I wonder if it'll be the last time... she's not 70 yet. Her mind is very sharp and strong but her body isn't.
I'm failing my compulsory module again. Module selection for next year is on Wednesday and I'm really torn between going down the 'safe' route (modules with less exams, more oral presentations and topics I've done before that I know I can do) or going down the slightly more risky route of modules that are heavy on exams but topics I've never done before and I'm finding interesting to think about.
Cheerleading is no longer fun, it's now a massive chore. As no-one in my group gets on with my other side base, the atmosphere is always tense and I feel that I'm blamed a lot when things go wrong because I just cba to argue with anyone about it; or defend myself when I'm not in the wrong. Eurgh.
Everything with me is getting worse. My mood is improving because this time next week I'll be at home; but equally my heart is heavy because this time next week I can no longer get away with only eating 600 calories all day or exercising to a net calorie total of 500 calories. I can skip lunch and breakfast but dinner is always a massive meal which will no doubt be over 1000 calories every day - I'm just going to balloon :( I might try and make sure I do at least an hour of cardio every day when my parents are out. They won't know if I don't tell them. I'm meant to be training for a 5k in May anyway so it's justifiable right?
Shopping is a mammoth task again. An hour today. An hour to buy £12 worth of things. Freaking ridiculous. Every item I put in my basket has five minutes of standing at the shelf considering it, and then later on another five minutes standing at another shelf deciding whether it should stay or go. Stupid head.
I wish it would stop raining.
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Linear terms
Five years ago, I didn't care about my weight. I laughed, danced, cared for everyone yet ignored people who looked down on me for being a 'big' girl (even though my BMI was only 26.5, yes, that was 'big' in my school. It's so wrong), ate what I wanted when I wanted and didn't give a shit in general about anything other than ME. Yes, I self harmed and was unhappy in many ways but in many others I was beautiful and happy and loving. I would go to Tescos every lunch time in sixth form and buy glorious things - cookies, sandwiches full of mayonnaise and cheese, full fat drinks, sugar and crisps and whatever the hell I wanted.
Four years ago I went to uni. I saw that people all over the country were as judgmental as the girls I grew up with and something changed in me; it was me who had the problem, not them. I was in the wrong. I began to change myself. I still danced and ate what I wanted but try as I might I couldn't ignore people who looked down on me for my less than perfect body any more. I made changes and for the first time in my life, I felt that I was unworthy. I felt the urge to hurt myself more as a punishment. I felt the pull of death and wanted to go to it for the first time in my life. My shopping changed from 100% what I wanted to 75% what I wanted and 25% what I felt I needed, like diet drinks and fruit.
Three years ago I saw a change on the scale. I hated myself now. I missed the carefree girl who laughed and danced and cared for everyone. I no longer ignored people who looked down on me. Suddenly, just eating less wasn't enough. I had to exercise more, earn more money, go out more, get more drunk. Be a grown up, away from the childish world of Prada bags and thigh gaps. Away from the girls who called me names and made me feel small for being who I was. I stopped buying the crisps and the sugary sweets. I began feeling guilty when I bought the sandwiches with cheese and mayo and crap in.
Two years ago I fell too deep. I cared no longer about anyone, I rarely laughed, I danced with no song in my heart, I wanted to be thinner and yet it never happened because I wasn't, in my eyes, dedicated enough. I wanted to die and tried to kill myself. I wanted to be away from everything. Just being an adult wasn't enough. It sucked. People are still mean to you whether you're 12 or 20. People start to die as you get older. People start to hurt you intentionally. I didn't buy anything. I ate what I had to to stop my parents worrying as I lived at home again, but it was the bare minimum. I learnt the tricks of making it look like I'd eaten when I hadn't.
One year ago I covered up the wounds of the past with hope for the future. It didn't work. It never works. Moving out to uni again I regained control of my shopping and filled my fridge with glorious things, fattening things, beautiful things I hadn't had the desire to eat in years. Yet without fail every week they got thrown in the bin as I tried to stop myself from gorging on them. I wasted so much money on food that I didn't eat...
Now I stock my fridge with vegetables and turkey ham. I drink a 1.5l bottle of water + a day. I feel guilty if I eat over 1100 calories whether I've exercised or not. I occasionally buy cookies and crisps but every bite I take of them is torture and I know that soon they'll go completely. My cupboard is full of things that don't go off like pasta and rice but things I don't allow myself to have. My room is filled with fruit. For the first time this morning, I made up my bowl of porridge and I only ate half of it. Because I felt too bad for eating so many carbs that I couldn't handle it any more. It was easier to put it down. I've stopped cutting myself. But is this any better?
I have not been that happy carefree girl for five years now and it kills me. I want her back. I don't want to count calories, or feel guilty for eating too much, or go running for 45 minutes just so I can have a handful of skittles. I don't want to cry when I think of my life or feel the emotions that people normally feel. I don't want to have to struggle all the time. Makes it seem pointless. :(
Four years ago I went to uni. I saw that people all over the country were as judgmental as the girls I grew up with and something changed in me; it was me who had the problem, not them. I was in the wrong. I began to change myself. I still danced and ate what I wanted but try as I might I couldn't ignore people who looked down on me for my less than perfect body any more. I made changes and for the first time in my life, I felt that I was unworthy. I felt the urge to hurt myself more as a punishment. I felt the pull of death and wanted to go to it for the first time in my life. My shopping changed from 100% what I wanted to 75% what I wanted and 25% what I felt I needed, like diet drinks and fruit.
Three years ago I saw a change on the scale. I hated myself now. I missed the carefree girl who laughed and danced and cared for everyone. I no longer ignored people who looked down on me. Suddenly, just eating less wasn't enough. I had to exercise more, earn more money, go out more, get more drunk. Be a grown up, away from the childish world of Prada bags and thigh gaps. Away from the girls who called me names and made me feel small for being who I was. I stopped buying the crisps and the sugary sweets. I began feeling guilty when I bought the sandwiches with cheese and mayo and crap in.
Two years ago I fell too deep. I cared no longer about anyone, I rarely laughed, I danced with no song in my heart, I wanted to be thinner and yet it never happened because I wasn't, in my eyes, dedicated enough. I wanted to die and tried to kill myself. I wanted to be away from everything. Just being an adult wasn't enough. It sucked. People are still mean to you whether you're 12 or 20. People start to die as you get older. People start to hurt you intentionally. I didn't buy anything. I ate what I had to to stop my parents worrying as I lived at home again, but it was the bare minimum. I learnt the tricks of making it look like I'd eaten when I hadn't.
One year ago I covered up the wounds of the past with hope for the future. It didn't work. It never works. Moving out to uni again I regained control of my shopping and filled my fridge with glorious things, fattening things, beautiful things I hadn't had the desire to eat in years. Yet without fail every week they got thrown in the bin as I tried to stop myself from gorging on them. I wasted so much money on food that I didn't eat...
Now I stock my fridge with vegetables and turkey ham. I drink a 1.5l bottle of water + a day. I feel guilty if I eat over 1100 calories whether I've exercised or not. I occasionally buy cookies and crisps but every bite I take of them is torture and I know that soon they'll go completely. My cupboard is full of things that don't go off like pasta and rice but things I don't allow myself to have. My room is filled with fruit. For the first time this morning, I made up my bowl of porridge and I only ate half of it. Because I felt too bad for eating so many carbs that I couldn't handle it any more. It was easier to put it down. I've stopped cutting myself. But is this any better?
I have not been that happy carefree girl for five years now and it kills me. I want her back. I don't want to count calories, or feel guilty for eating too much, or go running for 45 minutes just so I can have a handful of skittles. I don't want to cry when I think of my life or feel the emotions that people normally feel. I don't want to have to struggle all the time. Makes it seem pointless. :(
Monday, 5 December 2011
Fear, loathing and self hatred
So... I've been mainly hanging out on tumblr for the last few months. Hiding from the world under a completely new internet identity. I'm so rad that I don't even use proper grammar on tumblr, so I look younger and can't be linked to me (as I am a total grammar nazi in real life). Strange logic but logic none the less. I always think someone's going to recognise me off this blog because of my writing style... crazy, eh?
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Storytime
There once was a girl and a boy. They fell madly in love and soon began to spend every day together. When they were parted, they felt nothing but sadness. They laughed and smiled and played, and loved and lived. They were happy and others were jealous of their relationship. But soon, the boy began to tire of his princess and wished to leave the happy home they had. He tried to run without breaking her heart but she followed his every step, not wanting to be away from her prince. He tried to think on his own but found her in every thought he had.
Unwilling to upset his beloved, he carried on with his life in the little home they had together. He laughed and smiled and played, but no longer loved and lived. He merely existed. Though his princess had realised something had changed within him she was too consumed with her own pain to notice his. Eventually he could not stand to live a life in captivity with her any more and so one night, he told his princess that he didn't love her any more.
The princess stood and cried in disbelief that her handsome prince no longer wanted her. She begged and pleaded with him, and promised to be better. She gave up her habits for him and wished to only please him. She could not bear to see him slip through her fingers like so many others in her life had done. They argued and shouted and cried together, and neither loved or lived for a while. They called each other names; lazy, selfish, fat, arrogant, bitch, c**t. Yet neither meant a word of it... Both carried their own pains and the others for so long, it was a struggle to go on. Both wished for a better life, yet had no means with which to make it. Both felt hopeless and alone. Yet they had each other.
Maybe.
I don't know how this ends and it's killing me. I don't think I've felt so much pain before. I don't want to lose him.
:*(
Unwilling to upset his beloved, he carried on with his life in the little home they had together. He laughed and smiled and played, but no longer loved and lived. He merely existed. Though his princess had realised something had changed within him she was too consumed with her own pain to notice his. Eventually he could not stand to live a life in captivity with her any more and so one night, he told his princess that he didn't love her any more.
The princess stood and cried in disbelief that her handsome prince no longer wanted her. She begged and pleaded with him, and promised to be better. She gave up her habits for him and wished to only please him. She could not bear to see him slip through her fingers like so many others in her life had done. They argued and shouted and cried together, and neither loved or lived for a while. They called each other names; lazy, selfish, fat, arrogant, bitch, c**t. Yet neither meant a word of it... Both carried their own pains and the others for so long, it was a struggle to go on. Both wished for a better life, yet had no means with which to make it. Both felt hopeless and alone. Yet they had each other.
Maybe.
I don't know how this ends and it's killing me. I don't think I've felt so much pain before. I don't want to lose him.
:*(
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
I am never going to become this
(I'm thinking about doing something like this when I go back to uni, over the year. Take a photo every weekend and then make them into a slideshow before I leave for summer... Maybe. Will make me work harder!)
That's the end of the thinspo, apart from a really cool hair pic. Click back on your browser if you don't want to here about calories and hatred...
Things are not going well, at all. Clearly, when I am left to decide for myself what I should eat over two and a half friggin' days, I can not make the right decision. My shopping for being back in halls for resits:
- 2 ready meals (500+ cals each)
- 4 pork and pickle pies (300 cals each)
- Tub of mini sausage rolls, 24 pieces (35 cals each, so 840 all together)
- Bacon and leek quiche (916 cals all together)
- A bag of Skittles (712 cals... god, I can never eat them again)
- Two tubes of Munchies (266 each... 532 cals together)
- A bag of Penn State Sour Cream and Chive Pretzels (777 cal)
- A bottle of Frijj (450 cals)
- 2 pints of skimmed milk (5 calories? neglible)
- 3 bananas (large so like... 150 each... 450 cals)
- Small bottle of sparkling water (5 cals)
- Big bottle of water (n/a)
- Small pot of salad (100 cal? I dunno, I threw half away. Go figure.)
- A pack of cocktail sausages that I took one of and then threw away because they were really peppery and gross
- Several mugs of tea (10 cals, lol... purely because I have drunk a very large amount of tea!)
Edit... worked it out. Grand total was something like 6997, which makes 2333 a day ish.
Not to mention the sandwich, hot chocolate, pretzels and drink I had on the train. That's like a weeks worth of food! FFS! Dunno whether to calculate my total or not... It might send me into a bit of a melt down. I already feel fragile :(
No wonder I feel bloated and crap, eh? Wish I had more clothes than just one pair of trousers so I could at least exercise or *something*. I'll go swimming when I get home. For certain.
Me and BF made a pact. No SH for me, and no cigarettes for him. He didn't want to make it, but I needed to. Don't know why controlling someone else makes it easier to control myself... I think that's an even worse path to go down than not eating. God damn it, I really want to right now. Really, really want to. FUCK this lack of anything harmful. The most harmful thing I have here is a fucking plastic knife. Screw you.
Random aside to the moaning and self hatred... I want this girls hair. It's amazing...
Sorry. I'll update with my current life story soon. But right now, I need to mope and be sad and stuff.
All photos are from the wonderful http://thinspox.tumblr.com/
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