My great aunt, who I met once or twice in my life, but who still sent me a birthday and christmas card every year passed away last week.
My Nana is really ill in hospital again - she was taken into hospital during the day Thursday with a chest infection and had to be transferred to ICU last night at god knows what hour. According to my Dad who's seen her she's looking perkier and better today so hopefully it was just an extinction burst style thing (check out my psych lingo there; erm, hopefully it was just a gotta get worse to get better thing) but I don't know. She gets chest infections every year, around this time, and every year she's in hospital seriously ill with them. Every year I wonder if it'll be the last time... she's not 70 yet. Her mind is very sharp and strong but her body isn't.
I'm failing my compulsory module again. Module selection for next year is on Wednesday and I'm really torn between going down the 'safe' route (modules with less exams, more oral presentations and topics I've done before that I know I can do) or going down the slightly more risky route of modules that are heavy on exams but topics I've never done before and I'm finding interesting to think about.
Cheerleading is no longer fun, it's now a massive chore. As no-one in my group gets on with my other side base, the atmosphere is always tense and I feel that I'm blamed a lot when things go wrong because I just cba to argue with anyone about it; or defend myself when I'm not in the wrong. Eurgh.
Everything with me is getting worse. My mood is improving because this time next week I'll be at home; but equally my heart is heavy because this time next week I can no longer get away with only eating 600 calories all day or exercising to a net calorie total of 500 calories. I can skip lunch and breakfast but dinner is always a massive meal which will no doubt be over 1000 calories every day - I'm just going to balloon :( I might try and make sure I do at least an hour of cardio every day when my parents are out. They won't know if I don't tell them. I'm meant to be training for a 5k in May anyway so it's justifiable right?
Shopping is a mammoth task again. An hour today. An hour to buy £12 worth of things. Freaking ridiculous. Every item I put in my basket has five minutes of standing at the shelf considering it, and then later on another five minutes standing at another shelf deciding whether it should stay or go. Stupid head.
I wish it would stop raining.
Showing posts with label Musings on life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Musings on life. Show all posts
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Restless
I want to do something, something positive that isn't just centred around me. For a long time I've wanted to run a help site for youths suffering from mental health problems (cos you know, there aren't enough websites about that around... not) but I never know where to begin. Last year I made my unis cheerleading club website but I've lost the files and the programs to do it with when my hard drive wiped itself. I don't know if it's a worthwhile venture tbh. Can they really make that much of a difference? My boyfriend suggested blogging, but he doesn't know about this blog. And besides; all the popular blogs are either about food, fitness, science (which I am not clever enough for) or makeup/fashion. Nothing there that I can do adequately, let alone as an 'authority'.
In other news, for the first time in ages, I weighed in at 137lbs this morning. I should be happier about this.
In other news, for the first time in ages, I weighed in at 137lbs this morning. I should be happier about this.
Monday, 5 December 2011
Fear, loathing and self hatred
So... I've been mainly hanging out on tumblr for the last few months. Hiding from the world under a completely new internet identity. I'm so rad that I don't even use proper grammar on tumblr, so I look younger and can't be linked to me (as I am a total grammar nazi in real life). Strange logic but logic none the less. I always think someone's going to recognise me off this blog because of my writing style... crazy, eh?
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
Friday, 16 September 2011
Monday Monday...
On Monday I (hopefully) move into my new house and go back to uni... Diet and exercise regime starts. My plan is:
Monday
Morning swim 1 hr
Lectures 2 hrs
Gymnastics 2 hrs
Tuesday
Morning swim 1 hr
Lectures 3hrs
Gym 2 hrs
Wednesday
Lectures 2 hrs
Afternoon swim 1 hr
Cheerleading 2 hrs
Thursday
Lectures all day (bleurgh!)
Gymnastics 2 hrs
Friday
Morning swim 1 hr
Gym 2 hrs
Saturday
Afternoon swim 2 hrs
Sunday
Cheerleading 3 hrs
Swimming 2 hrs
Gym is italicised because I'm not certain I'm going to join the gym, if I can afford it etc.
Food plan is, to begin with, following the amounts suggested by http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm for each week. Lots of fresh veg, grilled chicken, water! Going to drink at least 1.5l of water a day. No arguments. Only tea is included (but not officially counted) as well as water. I have a nice new water bottle that I want to fill every morning (it's only 500ml) and drink in lectures, then refill when I get home (obviously on Thursdays I'll just take a massive bottle in the first place!).
No idea what my start weight is... Small problem as I need it for the calculator. But I'm too scared to weigh myself :( I've definitely gained as I only have one pair of jeans left that fit me. Fucking fat fuck. Also too scared to try on my cheerleading uniform which I *have* to wear three times next week.
On the one hand I'm excited to go back and control my life, get back into exercise and cheerleading/gymnastics especially! But on the other it means leaving my BF and only seeing him once/twice a month - from seeing him every day as we live together currently. I plan on having mini goal weights that coincide with seeing him and we'll see if he notices :p I know when he goes back he wants to be healthier and lose some weight too so it'll be good to see the differences in us.
Monday
Morning swim 1 hr
Lectures 2 hrs
Gymnastics 2 hrs
Tuesday
Morning swim 1 hr
Lectures 3hrs
Gym 2 hrs
Wednesday
Lectures 2 hrs
Afternoon swim 1 hr
Cheerleading 2 hrs
Thursday
Lectures all day (bleurgh!)
Gymnastics 2 hrs
Friday
Morning swim 1 hr
Gym 2 hrs
Saturday
Afternoon swim 2 hrs
Sunday
Cheerleading 3 hrs
Swimming 2 hrs
Gym is italicised because I'm not certain I'm going to join the gym, if I can afford it etc.
Food plan is, to begin with, following the amounts suggested by http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm for each week. Lots of fresh veg, grilled chicken, water! Going to drink at least 1.5l of water a day. No arguments. Only tea is included (but not officially counted) as well as water. I have a nice new water bottle that I want to fill every morning (it's only 500ml) and drink in lectures, then refill when I get home (obviously on Thursdays I'll just take a massive bottle in the first place!).
No idea what my start weight is... Small problem as I need it for the calculator. But I'm too scared to weigh myself :( I've definitely gained as I only have one pair of jeans left that fit me. Fucking fat fuck. Also too scared to try on my cheerleading uniform which I *have* to wear three times next week.
On the one hand I'm excited to go back and control my life, get back into exercise and cheerleading/gymnastics especially! But on the other it means leaving my BF and only seeing him once/twice a month - from seeing him every day as we live together currently. I plan on having mini goal weights that coincide with seeing him and we'll see if he notices :p I know when he goes back he wants to be healthier and lose some weight too so it'll be good to see the differences in us.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Mad idea #54
... I book a few days off work and just get a late notice flight to Germany. Mong out in some gardens in some far away city and just chill. Forget the world and the stress and even my loved ones... Everyone has their happy place, right? That one country/city/town/village/street/house/park/place they can relax in and be free in. I long for the taste of freedom that being there can bring me.
£850 in my bank.
I leave tomorrow.
...
I fucking wish.
£850 in my bank.
I leave tomorrow.
...
I fucking wish.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Blah blah blah
Few random/small blog changes made. I really hate the theme/banner/colours of it atm but I have too many other things to stress about rather than an internet blog (hehe, that makes it sound like I actually care about this blog. Not at all. *Ninjas off to the side looking mournfully at the crappy looking blog*) such as resits and essays and weight and my overwhelming desire to consume Andy's body weight (230lbs) in all kinds of crap. Wooo massive run on sentence!
I really miss cheerleading.
And I really, really want to go travelling. Go and spend the last two months of my holiday in Germany/Holland/Luxembourg/Scandinavia and just live my life. Unfortunately I have a) two exams and an essay due by the 26th of August that I HAVE to pass or I'll get chucked off my uni course, b) no money and c) a job that requires me to work what they tell me to work. We're planning to go away for a few days after my resits and before I go back to uni but it's going to be like... 3 days at the most. Andy wants to go to Amsterdam and spend the three days stoned off his face; something I'm not against (he introduced me to the green stuff a month or so ago and I'm pretty chilled on the idea; it just doesn't seem to work on me) but something that just seems... Pointless to me. When I go on holiday I like to see the local area, go off the beaten track and get lost in a big city, try to speak the language and make a fool of myself when I get it wrong. I love feeling like a tiny speck of insignificance, that feeling you only really get when you're somewhere foreign and strange to you. In Britain, in London, even though it's massive, it's feasible for me to meet someone I know - I have friends (and people I hate!) at uni there, I have family around there, even in cities I've never visited I have 'connections' to people and places. Y'know? Rambling but hey.
Anyway.
I also want to redesign my room a bit... It's tiny and a boring shell colour on the walls. Hopefully I'm going to get a new wardrobe and/or some better storage but it needs a massive overhaul. I thought about painting on the walls or writing mottos or something but that seems a bit too... 15 yr old girl to me? Answers on a postcard please.
I really miss cheerleading.
And I really, really want to go travelling. Go and spend the last two months of my holiday in Germany/Holland/Luxembourg/Scandinavia and just live my life. Unfortunately I have a) two exams and an essay due by the 26th of August that I HAVE to pass or I'll get chucked off my uni course, b) no money and c) a job that requires me to work what they tell me to work. We're planning to go away for a few days after my resits and before I go back to uni but it's going to be like... 3 days at the most. Andy wants to go to Amsterdam and spend the three days stoned off his face; something I'm not against (he introduced me to the green stuff a month or so ago and I'm pretty chilled on the idea; it just doesn't seem to work on me) but something that just seems... Pointless to me. When I go on holiday I like to see the local area, go off the beaten track and get lost in a big city, try to speak the language and make a fool of myself when I get it wrong. I love feeling like a tiny speck of insignificance, that feeling you only really get when you're somewhere foreign and strange to you. In Britain, in London, even though it's massive, it's feasible for me to meet someone I know - I have friends (and people I hate!) at uni there, I have family around there, even in cities I've never visited I have 'connections' to people and places. Y'know? Rambling but hey.
Anyway.
I also want to redesign my room a bit... It's tiny and a boring shell colour on the walls. Hopefully I'm going to get a new wardrobe and/or some better storage but it needs a massive overhaul. I thought about painting on the walls or writing mottos or something but that seems a bit too... 15 yr old girl to me? Answers on a postcard please.
Monday, 27 June 2011
Silence
My apologies, I've been a bad blogger recently. A lot of stuff to do and a lot of stuff on my mind!
I haven't been running in like... two weeks, I still have no trainers but I should be able to order some new ones on Thursday so :) I'm also trying to psyche myself up to go swimming again, I haven't been since last August and I really miss it but a) I look freaking hideous in a swimming costume and b) last time I went, my scars weren't noticeable. Now I have many clearly visible ones on my arms and a few massive ones on my thighs. Sooo swimming with people I know is out, but swimming alone? I dunno. I don't think I can cope with the staring...
I've got a bit of an addiction to chorizo at the moment. It's weird. I literally need to eat like 4 slices a day or I get really bad cravings for it.
I've been job hunting, my current job has for some reason decided not to give me any more hours recently so I'm jumping ship. I wanted out of there anyway. (or at least that's what I'll keep telling myself)
I want/need to go on holiday. Bored with this place.
Food porn time:
Freshly made, best cookies I've ever made! Of course, there will be a full write up and recipe posted on my other blog, The White Cat Baker in a bit :)
Peace out guys, I hope this blog post finds you all well!
I haven't been running in like... two weeks, I still have no trainers but I should be able to order some new ones on Thursday so :) I'm also trying to psyche myself up to go swimming again, I haven't been since last August and I really miss it but a) I look freaking hideous in a swimming costume and b) last time I went, my scars weren't noticeable. Now I have many clearly visible ones on my arms and a few massive ones on my thighs. Sooo swimming with people I know is out, but swimming alone? I dunno. I don't think I can cope with the staring...
I've got a bit of an addiction to chorizo at the moment. It's weird. I literally need to eat like 4 slices a day or I get really bad cravings for it.
I've been job hunting, my current job has for some reason decided not to give me any more hours recently so I'm jumping ship. I wanted out of there anyway. (or at least that's what I'll keep telling myself)
I want/need to go on holiday. Bored with this place.
Food porn time:
Freshly made, best cookies I've ever made! Of course, there will be a full write up and recipe posted on my other blog, The White Cat Baker in a bit :)
Peace out guys, I hope this blog post finds you all well!
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Mmm.
I just don't know any more.
Spoke with my BF last night about going back to the doctor... Given that he knows how much I hate therapy, all he said was 'I don't think I could cope with you on more of those crazy drugs'. I've only tried two (three? I forget) and the first one made me suicidal and the second turned me into a zombie then did nothing. But what can I do?
I'm not allowed to cut any more.
I don't want therapy.
My BF doesn't want me on drugs.
There's only so much I can control my food intake. (It is, regretably, becoming my new form of SH. And it's perfect for it, because no-one can tell.)
I'm off running until I get some decent trainers.
I have no coping strategies left. I can feel the pressure building up in my head and it's going to blow and then he's going to turn and run. We've been together 7 months and already he's sick of it.
Justfuckingsnapoutofitthen,dumbfatbitch.
Spoke with my BF last night about going back to the doctor... Given that he knows how much I hate therapy, all he said was 'I don't think I could cope with you on more of those crazy drugs'. I've only tried two (three? I forget) and the first one made me suicidal and the second turned me into a zombie then did nothing. But what can I do?
I'm not allowed to cut any more.
I don't want therapy.
My BF doesn't want me on drugs.
There's only so much I can control my food intake. (It is, regretably, becoming my new form of SH. And it's perfect for it, because no-one can tell.)
I'm off running until I get some decent trainers.
I have no coping strategies left. I can feel the pressure building up in my head and it's going to blow and then he's going to turn and run. We've been together 7 months and already he's sick of it.
Justfuckingsnapoutofitthen,dumbfatbitch.
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