...Hey

Feeling incredibly sheepish today. Gosh, the last few days have been a rollercoaster!

First off, and I guess rather importantly, I'm ok. I'm safe, I'm at home, I'm in a decent mood tonight! Got lots of things to sort out - my room is a tip, my washing up needs doing and I have a pile of washing to do; but it's good because my flat is going to be pretty empty tonight as people are going out.

I'll start with my last post. I'm very sorry if I worried anybody with it. I'm still here, I predict I will be around for a long time despite my intentions! Wednesday night was not great for me. Decided to go for a 'quick drink' after cheerleading and ended up getting incredibly drunk, running around my apartment block with my flatmates chasing me, told my boyfriend to leave me alone and never contact me again, tried to kill myself a fair few times. He stopped me. Looking back it was probably the worst set of suicide attempts ever because all I had was 14 sertraline tablets (which a quick google tells me isn't enough to even kill a rat, let alone a heffer like me!) and a packet of paracetamol. Dickhead, eh?! Well, after sending my boyfriend a lovely suicide note by text, I eventually had to let him back in or he was going to phone people and he held me as I fell asleep sobbing my eyes out. Yay me.

Thursday was a bit of a fail day, meant to spend it revising for my exam on Friday morning but let's just say it didn't go well. I was still awake at 3am when my boyfriend called me to say he was drunk and coming over - ok! I didn't get to sleep til 5am, I was ten minutes late for my exam. It was awful. I will be very surprised if I pass the module. Needless to say I am not confident!

Anyway. Decided to have a nap and then pop down town before starting to get ready to go out - Because I was tired I didn't have a long nap, and town was amazing! Bought two new tops, new boots, new socks, new belt. Good stuff. Spent far too much money but hey ;) Got back to mine and tried the outfit on (got a picture for y'all :)), then got a small dinner and got ready. Got to the first club - a cocktail bar - at about 10, started to drink... And didn't stop. In all, bearing in mind I had no entry fees to pay as the first club was free entry and the second was a ticket event that I'd prepaid for, I spent nearly £55. That's an awfully large amount of money. In my estimation, I had... 8/9 cocktails, 3 jaegerbombs, two shots, 9 bottles of alcopops. I passed out on the way home. Nearly got hypothermia; hit a paramedic and my boyfriend repeatedly and threw up on myself and my new top. The paramedic noticed my self harm cuts and now my flatmate knows about them too. I feel like an awful person. Got shipped in an ambulance to A+E where they warmed me up and scolded me for a being a dick. Got back to my flat early this morning and showered as I smelt like sick (I still do, despite two hot showers) and got scolded by all my flatmates. Fair play.

My new top is salvageable, I think, and my new boots need a clean... My jeans are horrible, so dirty and sick smelling. Eurgh. I am disgusting.

Lesson learnt.

Pictures coming in the next post, thinspo and a few pictures of - shock! - me if I can get my card reader to work!

Peace out x

Fuck it.

I'm done. Lovely knowing you all <3 Peace and love. Take care and I hope you all reach the highest heights you can obtain. Never forget how awesome you are. xxx

Up and down

The gym is a hell of a lot harder than it seems! I still leave every session feeling like I should have worked harder and am a lard arse though. Which sucks. I thought exercise was meant to make you feel good? My boyfriend has shown me how to use weights, so I'm going to start working my arms. I want rid of my bingo wings and to tone my biceps more!

I have been eating like a horse recently, I blame my period. I always seem to be indescribably hungry when I'm on it, and nothing fills me up - not even water. If I bulk drink water, I just end up feeling sick but still hungry. Retarded.

Revision for my exam isn't going well. I'm sorry guys, I'll update properly on Saturday morning after my exam is done and the post exam drinking session is over. Peace out.

Relapse.

Self harmed.

Feel pathetic.

Binged.

Feel fat.

Hate myself.

Oh drugs, how I love thee.

My head is all fuzzy and horrible today, must be the dose increase. I'm getting some pretty bad paranoia feelings as well, spent a good hour last night debating whether or not the university was plotting to kill me in my sleep by way of poisoning the air coming out of my heater :/ Eurgh. And wow. Just an afterthought but these things seriously zombie me out... Before I took my pills this evening, I was going on fine with my revision, getting it all sorted, and now I'm just staring into space.

Getting some revision done today, not done too badly, got one lecture sorted, only 11 to go by 9am next Friday! Eeek. Oh well.

Today I've eaten a small baked potato with coleslaw on, a pepper stuffed with couscous and feta cheese and drank a skinny iced vanilla latte (small) from Costa. Not sure if I'll eat again tonight.

Having a bit of a pregnancy scare atm. I've done a test (on Wednesday) which came up negative, but I still haven't got my period - over a week late now. Feeling a bit paranoid about that too.

Shattered

(Sorry, it starts intake/output heavy!)
1 hour in the gym...
40 minutes running - 270 calories burnt.
20 minutes cross trainer - 200 calories burnt.
Induction, 5 minute play on the bike and 10 minutes on the runner - 30 calories burnt.
Total 500 calories!

Intake for today:
1 small slice of cheese on toast
1 bowl of Quaker oats (golden syrup flavour, made with water)
2 Quorn fillets, fried with a red pepper, noodles, soy sauce and bean sprouts
1 rice cake
Total - 850 calories

Net total - 350 calories

Sweeeeeeeeeet! Can't decide whether to have a light snack or not now, lol!

I'm shattered now, and sweating like a pig, lol. Gonna hop in the shower and go for a walk with the boy but first some thinspo, today we're going to stay with fitness and go for some 'fitspo',

Post GP visit musing

Why do I always lie to the doctor?

Off the top of my head, today I told at least 10 lies when I went in. I was only there for five minutes. I lied about:
- Wanting to S/H
- My eating pattern
- How my christmas was
- That I'd got in touch with the counselling service
- I didn't want to kill myself
- I don't think the drugs are having any effect (I do, I just don't think it's a positive one, and I know for certain if I said it was a negative effect they'd switch them)
- That I occasionally have happy days
- That I'm still functioning well*
- That I think it's a good idea to keep increasing my dosage
- That I'm happy taking these drugs all the freaking time.

*(Aside from today, when I've been very good and productive, I have absolutely failed over the last week. Today I have done all my washing, done all my washing up, have a gym induction, am planning some revision and have been to the doctors, more than I've done collectively since Christmas really)

It's just a thing, I can't go into a doctors office and tell them the truth, I don't know whether it's partly because I'm worried they'll say my biggest fear - 'You should try being an inpatient...' or if they'll laugh at me or what. I dunno. It's just horrible, I have all these things I want to say... Fuck it, I've got a word document planning it all out, suicide notes and songs I want at my funeral, the amount of drugs I need to get and where to do it! If that's not a bad thing then I don't know what is. Sigh.

Tea tonight was going to be cous cous stuffed peppers but I need to eat up my stir fry veg so I'm going to do a massive bowl of that and freeze some of it. I'll post again later with some thinspo and how the gym went. Peace out girls x

Mmm, porridge!

Lol! Porridge for lunch :) Made with water this time so only 120 calories a bowl, I won't eat the entire thing though. Breakfast was cheese on toast :D 1 slice of bread and heaps of cheese... Nom. I'm doing cous cous stuffed peppers for tea tonight.

Only a short post, but I was wondering if anyone had any good vegetarian recipes that are low cal and easy to make? I'm a little bit stuck tbh.

The 'back on track' starts tomorrow!

Not really got a decent title for this one! I'm just going to type out my stream of conciousness. It's probably going to be long and rather boring, I'm afraid, but I promise some lovely thinspo at the end!

Today started rather badly. I was meant to be up before 8am so I could phone the doctors and get an appointment but I slept in til midday. I went down town with my boyfriend and got some lunch (2 fried eggs and 3 hash browns), a few DVDs and my favourite thing of the day; a paint by numbers kit! I'm hoping that it'll be a nice distraction when I'm feeling down and will stop me from binging/self harming/planning my suicide (never a good thing >.<) AND IT HAS KITTENS ON. OMFG. Yeah. I'm so damn cool! And my lovely friend informed me that her step dad isn't doing so well (see previous post) :( so a little bit of worry and hectic running around there to sort some things out for her. It's the least I can do.

Anyway... I ate tortillas for dinner (2 Quorn breasts, 94cal, 3 tortillas, 300 cal, cheese and sauce about 100 cal) so I'm pretty happy that I haven't gone much over 1000 cal today, and I burned off a fair amount with shopping and tidying my room. Very happy to have a tidy room! I think I'm going to drag my BF out in a bit for a late night walk as I'm feeling a bit heavy from dinner - we didn't eat until late. I'm craving a bowl of porridge like a bitch... I might have to have one! I've done a lot of my painting by numbers though and I'm watching another episode of ANTM atm so it should stave me off. I have Quaker Oats, prepackaged, and only 120 calories per bowl if made with water - awesome! Technically I could 'afford' some - I'm only trying to stay under 1200 calories - but I dunno if it's worth giving into the temptation?

And the best news of today, I have joined the gym! My induction is tomorrow at quarter past 8 in the evening, it takes about 30 minutes then I get a 'free' session in the gym, so I'll probably be there until it closes at 10 :D Going to just start slow with 30 minutes on the treadmill and 20 on the bike, then in a few weeks I'll take it up to 45 minutes on the treadmill, 30 on bike and some more weight/toning style exercises. I'm aiming to be able to walk up 'Bitch hill' (a very, very steep hill in my uni town) without being out of breath by the summer, lose some weight and lose some inches so I look good in my cheerleading outfit and summer clothes!

Another random thing is that I love lava lamps. No, I just love lighting! I bought some fairy lights in the sale after christmas and have stuck them around my shelves and I got given a lava lamp for christmas... I can sit here for ages just watching it. It's so pretty.

I have an exam next Friday that I haven't revised for yet, and didn't go to any of the lectures for so I'm a bit stressed by that :( But tomorrow I plan to go to the doctors, do my washing and get a decent start on revision. That means going to bed early tonight!

Now, here's your thinspo that you so deserve! :) Today, it's all from Lookbook.nu.

(I seriously want this... everything! Stunning!)

I'm not religious but if you are...

I don't normally do this, I'm sorry but I'd be very grateful if anyone who's religious could hold someone in their prayers for me over the next few weeks.

My good friend from back home is going with her mum and her step dad in an ambulance 60 miles across country in order to move her step dad to a better hospital with better respiratory facilities. He was a previously fit and healthy 50 something man who had promised to take her to see her Aunts horses in the near future when the snow had gone and was teaching her to drive in his car. Last Tuesday, for no apparent reason his lungs collapsed and he was rushed to hospital. After spending a week in an intensive care unit, he has made no improvement and today is even starting to go down a bit. He needs to be in a hospital that can fully provide for him with their resources - Our local just can't do it. The new hospital is 60 miles away from home. Neither her or her mum can drive so I have no idea how they'll be doing it, as they were told today that if he doesn't improve over the next few days, he never will. The journey is treacherous and they're worried that he might go on the way to the new hospital. So please, hold him in your thoughts tonight. Thank you

xx

Oh the little things

are the worst ones that drag you down, am I right?

General normal conversation with the boy just now, over MSN:
Him: I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow, been piling on the pounds lol
Me: Yeah, that's a plan, I'm going to finally join it tomorrow and book my induction. Need to go back to the Drs* as well :(... I'll do that tomorrow too
Him: Good stuff, you gonna start gyming?
Me: Yeah, wanna lose some weight and tone up, about a stone
Him: A stone? How much do you weigh at the moment?
Me: 10 stone.
Him: So you want to be 9?
Me: Mmmhmm, or ideally 8 and a half, dunno yet.
Him: 9 is skinny for you, you won't get there.
Me: I'm gonna try :)
Him: Well stop eating then lard arse :p
Me: (Inward face palm) Already on it...
Him: Lol, I love your chubbiness! Don't lose it all :p
Me: I hate it... :(

Well, ok that wasn't exactly it. But it's just made me feel like shit - I know he likes my body but I can not stress enough how much I hate it right now. It's fucking vile. I'm watching the second to last season of ANTM and just lusting after these girls bodies... Especially Jessica... she's perfection! I know he didn't mean it in the way he did but for me it's been a big trigger. So, tomorrow, fat arse Merla is gone and I'm starting a three day fast. Fucking bring it.

*I hate going to the Drs but I need a prescription refill :( He's going to ask how the drugs have been going and I'll either lie and say there's no difference or I'll lie and say they're working. No fucking way I'm telling him about the weight issues or the SH urges or that I spent the entire evening the other day sobbing in my boyfriends arms begging him to forgive me if I did kill myself. No fucking way.

Some thinspo, ANTM style!

Another stunning girl; Danielle, winner of cycle 6

Clark Gilmer

I need these shoes - Erin Wagner

And finally, Analeigh Tipton

Hell

Trapped in a vicious cycle.

Need to get over 3000 words written before 5pm tomorrow. Yes, the 5pm that is in 25 hours 23 minutes away (at this time of writing). It's worth 25% of my only core module. That means if I don't get it in, I'm realistically crippling myself to having - not wanting, but having to gain 55% in the module through other means. This is done by weekly stats tests. I am not on track for this. If I fail this module, I won't be coming back next year for year two.

And all I can do is sit at my laptop and try not to cry, or stuff my face with food. Fucking reject.

Stress? Stress makes me want to cut. Or brand myself. Or do SOMETHING destructive.

In other news, I've gone veggie. It's... interesting. Not over-enamoured yet but it's stopping me from eating a load of junk all the time.

Sooooo, water weight?

I was moaning on PT the other day that I'd been doing a lot of work (restricting and exercising more as I was working 8+ hour days) yet my weight was staying stable at 142lbs. Wellll it would appear that phase is over as I am now 139.6! Woo, back in the 30s :) gonna work really hard to keep it down and keep moving forward. I want to be 130 by the end of February, my first cheerleading comp. The only problem is I don't have a working scale at uni, so I'm trying to figure out what to do in that sense. I need to start taking measurements but I don't have a clue where to measure! I'm quite worried that it's all water weight though :/ I just hope that it isn't. Haven't really been able to exercise this last week which is annoying but when I get back to uni on Saturday my first thing to do is join the gym :)

No thinspo today I'm afraid because of the cold making me feel like shit, and I can't be bothered trawling for it, I'd rather just nap instead :p But I'll post some soon. Maybe a bumper thinspo post in on the cards?

On the same note, what's your favourite site for thinspo? I love lookbook.nu even though it's mainly the clothes and outfits! And I enjoy browsing xanga/blog sites for them... Need some new ones though.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Sorry I haven't updated much recently. I'll update more in the new year.


Have a good christmas everyone :) Peace and love


<3 x

Gragghhh

*Bangs head into desk*

I am an utter life fail.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate that I have no courage any more.

I hate that I have no conviction.

I hate that I don't follow through with what I say.

I hate that I push people away when I need them the most.

I hate that I'm curious and will push an issue when it's clear that the other person doesn't want to talk about it.

I hate that I'm a hypocrite.

I hate that the new drugs have taken my emotions.

I hate that I don't even want to S/H any more because fuck it, it made me feel good.

I hate that I doubt him and his intentions.

I hate that Christmas is coming.

I hate being alive.

I hate being fat.

I hate that he likes my body.

10 things

About me. Stolen shamelessly from danae's blog via Patience's blog.

10 rather uninteresting facts about me...
1) I've always wanted to spend my life helping people. I've toyed with the idea of being a nurse, a paramedic, a doctor (too boring, lol), a psychiatrist, a therapist. I've now settled on an eating disorders counsellor. Odd. I think my mental health though might be the only thing to stop me.
2) I'm originally from London, but I currently reside in Wales.
3) I love dairy. Like, seriously. I would die without it - it makes up far too much of my diet.
4) I get obsessed with things like sports or TV shows or books randomly for a month or two, then I drop them and spend a year not even bothering with them before going back again.
5) I can't draw to save my life but I love it and I wish I could.
6) A guy who can play an instrument is incredibly sexy. Especially if it's classical piano.
7) My favourite animals are horses and foxes. No, I don't support fox hunting.
8) I hate people touching my knees and my back. Argh. Makes me shiver to think of it!
9) I used to be a dancer, I gave it up for horse riding as my parents said I could get a horse on loan if I stopped (they couldn't afford both). The horse never appeared, and I lost the one thing I was fairly decent at.
10) I like writing lists, it's the best procrastination method ever!

Go on, if you haven't done it already, do it!

Busted scales

Aren't busted scales lovely?
I walked in to an irate flatmate yesterday. She'd been home for the weekend and weighed herself on her parents scales - they read half a stone heavier than mine at uni do. Oops.
I don't trust my scales at all! My other flatmate has some electronic ones but they only weigh in KG. I hate KG.
Weight today: 10 stone dead. BMI: 22.6
(Having had lunch - a potato waffle with a shit load of cheese on - and a coffee already, as I got up late)
Not good enough! Circuits tonight, should be good. Not sure when to eat? I've got half a tin of spaghetti in the fridge, so I'll have that, probably with some toast.
I'm thinking about following the ABC until I go home for christmas... Hmm. Or some other diet? I don't want to lose too much, just want to be 132lbs (my lowest weight to date) by Christmas Day - any more and I get family bitching at me.
I also have a dilemma; I need to measure myself for my cheerleading uniform but if I do it now - at hopefully what is a higher weight, it won't fit come February and the competitions. Hmm.

Zombie brain fog

Eurghhhh.
The zombie brain fog has started. I got up nearly two hours ago and so far I have - put a dressing gown on, made a cup of tea, toasted a slice of bread (which I ate two bites of because it tasted rank and I couldn't eat it properly from lack of saliva, nice; so guess today will be standing at that...) sat on a chair, listened to music, said goodbye to my boyfriend and relocated to my bedroom. I can't think straight, everything is a massive effort, I feel really spacey and if I stand up for too long I get dizzy. If I lie down for too long I start to feel really sick.
I had work I needed to do today but I don't think that's going to happen.
I've noticed that I'm getting more anxious and starting to worry and panic about things that would never have bothered me before; last night I lay in bed and was having a panic about cheerleading tomorrow as I don't know the dance and can't do the stunts. It doesn't matter; we've only just started learning them, but still - apparently logic doesn't matter to my brain.
According to my busted scales that I don't trust, I've hit 10stone (140lbs) :) Small positives! Being 134lbs or below before Christmas seems more attainable now. We were going to go to boxercise last night but we got there and the instructor told us it was for people who'd been before only, so we got turned away. Sigh. Circuits on Monday though.

Eurgh, I feel like crap.

A lot has happened since I last posted.
I self harmed again. That's a biggy, I guess. Went for my thigh this time as I'm going home in two weeks and it's pretty much the only part of me that my parents won't be looking at. Also, it seemed easier to 'work on' - well, yes it was. The cuts are much deeper than normal. I'm very lucky not to have got too far down. It was that or jump off a bridge into the ocean... Sounds dramatic but Tuesday night was long and far too reminiscent of the night I OD'ed the second time. There was planning and note writing involved. Not good. In the end I settled for going at my leg and waiting til morning to see if my feelings changed.
Yesterday, the day after, I went to the doctors. We had a long chat about killing myself would be damn stupid and how I have to actually put some work into recovering - I can't just chuck a pill down my neck once a day and hope that it works somehow. So, in a blackmail, black market kind of deal, I've been put on Sertraline on the condition that I reapply for counselling. Yay. The email has been sent; I'm very much hoping that they'll say the waiting list is too long and I can't come back. The GP said if that happens then I'll have to go down to the MH team in town which is a trek though.
The new pills are making me very tired, I can't think straight and I feel somewhat like a zombie. I spent the last 24 hours feeling very nauseous and with a cracking headache, which I can feel coming back again. I keep spacing out and my mouth is like the Sahara. Yay me.
However...
My appetite has pretty much gone :p :D

Pig

Just can't stop stuffing my face.
I can't stop the S/H urges either.

If there wasn't so much at stake... i.e. him... I wouldn't be holding back. I crave SH right now.