I
I hate my thighs. Big, massive, fucking thunder thighs.
I hate my arse. Cellulitey, jiggly, gross. It's like two different bodies. Ok upper half, fucking awful lower half.
Friday, 8 June 2012
Meep.
I
I hate my thighs. Big, massive, fucking thunder thighs.
I hate my arse. Cellulitey, jiggly, gross. It's like two different bodies. Ok upper half, fucking awful lower half.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Hey...
Man, I need to stop abandoning you lovely people. I'm still surviving, existing.
The world scares me now.
I scare myself more than ever.
Uni is over for the summer. Last time I checked I was a solid 132lbs. I dunno if I still am... too scared to check.
'Meh' sums me up totally right now.
Drawing is fun now. So is making friendship bracelets (which I'm just starting out at doing and whilst they're not great, I hope to be able to make enough nice ones to sell a few at carboots over the summer. Maybe. Maybe not. They're fun to do anyway).
I don't like going outside. I don't like being away from my BF at all. Tomorrow he's got a work trial so I'm home alone for 8 hours for the first time since getting back from uni. I'm scared.
I've been hearing people whispering to me at night.
The world scares me now.
I scare myself more than ever.
Uni is over for the summer. Last time I checked I was a solid 132lbs. I dunno if I still am... too scared to check.
'Meh' sums me up totally right now.
Drawing is fun now. So is making friendship bracelets (which I'm just starting out at doing and whilst they're not great, I hope to be able to make enough nice ones to sell a few at carboots over the summer. Maybe. Maybe not. They're fun to do anyway).
I don't like going outside. I don't like being away from my BF at all. Tomorrow he's got a work trial so I'm home alone for 8 hours for the first time since getting back from uni. I'm scared.
I've been hearing people whispering to me at night.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Thinspo... why the heck not
Can't sleep, can thinspo. Not done one of these in a long time...
I need this hair. Now.
I will never admit it, but I have a bit of a girl crush on Mischa Barton.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
It never rains but it pours, eh?
My great aunt, who I met once or twice in my life, but who still sent me a birthday and christmas card every year passed away last week.
My Nana is really ill in hospital again - she was taken into hospital during the day Thursday with a chest infection and had to be transferred to ICU last night at god knows what hour. According to my Dad who's seen her she's looking perkier and better today so hopefully it was just an extinction burst style thing (check out my psych lingo there; erm, hopefully it was just a gotta get worse to get better thing) but I don't know. She gets chest infections every year, around this time, and every year she's in hospital seriously ill with them. Every year I wonder if it'll be the last time... she's not 70 yet. Her mind is very sharp and strong but her body isn't.
I'm failing my compulsory module again. Module selection for next year is on Wednesday and I'm really torn between going down the 'safe' route (modules with less exams, more oral presentations and topics I've done before that I know I can do) or going down the slightly more risky route of modules that are heavy on exams but topics I've never done before and I'm finding interesting to think about.
Cheerleading is no longer fun, it's now a massive chore. As no-one in my group gets on with my other side base, the atmosphere is always tense and I feel that I'm blamed a lot when things go wrong because I just cba to argue with anyone about it; or defend myself when I'm not in the wrong. Eurgh.
Everything with me is getting worse. My mood is improving because this time next week I'll be at home; but equally my heart is heavy because this time next week I can no longer get away with only eating 600 calories all day or exercising to a net calorie total of 500 calories. I can skip lunch and breakfast but dinner is always a massive meal which will no doubt be over 1000 calories every day - I'm just going to balloon :( I might try and make sure I do at least an hour of cardio every day when my parents are out. They won't know if I don't tell them. I'm meant to be training for a 5k in May anyway so it's justifiable right?
Shopping is a mammoth task again. An hour today. An hour to buy £12 worth of things. Freaking ridiculous. Every item I put in my basket has five minutes of standing at the shelf considering it, and then later on another five minutes standing at another shelf deciding whether it should stay or go. Stupid head.
I wish it would stop raining.
My Nana is really ill in hospital again - she was taken into hospital during the day Thursday with a chest infection and had to be transferred to ICU last night at god knows what hour. According to my Dad who's seen her she's looking perkier and better today so hopefully it was just an extinction burst style thing (check out my psych lingo there; erm, hopefully it was just a gotta get worse to get better thing) but I don't know. She gets chest infections every year, around this time, and every year she's in hospital seriously ill with them. Every year I wonder if it'll be the last time... she's not 70 yet. Her mind is very sharp and strong but her body isn't.
I'm failing my compulsory module again. Module selection for next year is on Wednesday and I'm really torn between going down the 'safe' route (modules with less exams, more oral presentations and topics I've done before that I know I can do) or going down the slightly more risky route of modules that are heavy on exams but topics I've never done before and I'm finding interesting to think about.
Cheerleading is no longer fun, it's now a massive chore. As no-one in my group gets on with my other side base, the atmosphere is always tense and I feel that I'm blamed a lot when things go wrong because I just cba to argue with anyone about it; or defend myself when I'm not in the wrong. Eurgh.
Everything with me is getting worse. My mood is improving because this time next week I'll be at home; but equally my heart is heavy because this time next week I can no longer get away with only eating 600 calories all day or exercising to a net calorie total of 500 calories. I can skip lunch and breakfast but dinner is always a massive meal which will no doubt be over 1000 calories every day - I'm just going to balloon :( I might try and make sure I do at least an hour of cardio every day when my parents are out. They won't know if I don't tell them. I'm meant to be training for a 5k in May anyway so it's justifiable right?
Shopping is a mammoth task again. An hour today. An hour to buy £12 worth of things. Freaking ridiculous. Every item I put in my basket has five minutes of standing at the shelf considering it, and then later on another five minutes standing at another shelf deciding whether it should stay or go. Stupid head.
I wish it would stop raining.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Restless
I want to do something, something positive that isn't just centred around me. For a long time I've wanted to run a help site for youths suffering from mental health problems (cos you know, there aren't enough websites about that around... not) but I never know where to begin. Last year I made my unis cheerleading club website but I've lost the files and the programs to do it with when my hard drive wiped itself. I don't know if it's a worthwhile venture tbh. Can they really make that much of a difference? My boyfriend suggested blogging, but he doesn't know about this blog. And besides; all the popular blogs are either about food, fitness, science (which I am not clever enough for) or makeup/fashion. Nothing there that I can do adequately, let alone as an 'authority'.
In other news, for the first time in ages, I weighed in at 137lbs this morning. I should be happier about this.
In other news, for the first time in ages, I weighed in at 137lbs this morning. I should be happier about this.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Linear terms
Five years ago, I didn't care about my weight. I laughed, danced, cared for everyone yet ignored people who looked down on me for being a 'big' girl (even though my BMI was only 26.5, yes, that was 'big' in my school. It's so wrong), ate what I wanted when I wanted and didn't give a shit in general about anything other than ME. Yes, I self harmed and was unhappy in many ways but in many others I was beautiful and happy and loving. I would go to Tescos every lunch time in sixth form and buy glorious things - cookies, sandwiches full of mayonnaise and cheese, full fat drinks, sugar and crisps and whatever the hell I wanted.
Four years ago I went to uni. I saw that people all over the country were as judgmental as the girls I grew up with and something changed in me; it was me who had the problem, not them. I was in the wrong. I began to change myself. I still danced and ate what I wanted but try as I might I couldn't ignore people who looked down on me for my less than perfect body any more. I made changes and for the first time in my life, I felt that I was unworthy. I felt the urge to hurt myself more as a punishment. I felt the pull of death and wanted to go to it for the first time in my life. My shopping changed from 100% what I wanted to 75% what I wanted and 25% what I felt I needed, like diet drinks and fruit.
Three years ago I saw a change on the scale. I hated myself now. I missed the carefree girl who laughed and danced and cared for everyone. I no longer ignored people who looked down on me. Suddenly, just eating less wasn't enough. I had to exercise more, earn more money, go out more, get more drunk. Be a grown up, away from the childish world of Prada bags and thigh gaps. Away from the girls who called me names and made me feel small for being who I was. I stopped buying the crisps and the sugary sweets. I began feeling guilty when I bought the sandwiches with cheese and mayo and crap in.
Two years ago I fell too deep. I cared no longer about anyone, I rarely laughed, I danced with no song in my heart, I wanted to be thinner and yet it never happened because I wasn't, in my eyes, dedicated enough. I wanted to die and tried to kill myself. I wanted to be away from everything. Just being an adult wasn't enough. It sucked. People are still mean to you whether you're 12 or 20. People start to die as you get older. People start to hurt you intentionally. I didn't buy anything. I ate what I had to to stop my parents worrying as I lived at home again, but it was the bare minimum. I learnt the tricks of making it look like I'd eaten when I hadn't.
One year ago I covered up the wounds of the past with hope for the future. It didn't work. It never works. Moving out to uni again I regained control of my shopping and filled my fridge with glorious things, fattening things, beautiful things I hadn't had the desire to eat in years. Yet without fail every week they got thrown in the bin as I tried to stop myself from gorging on them. I wasted so much money on food that I didn't eat...
Now I stock my fridge with vegetables and turkey ham. I drink a 1.5l bottle of water + a day. I feel guilty if I eat over 1100 calories whether I've exercised or not. I occasionally buy cookies and crisps but every bite I take of them is torture and I know that soon they'll go completely. My cupboard is full of things that don't go off like pasta and rice but things I don't allow myself to have. My room is filled with fruit. For the first time this morning, I made up my bowl of porridge and I only ate half of it. Because I felt too bad for eating so many carbs that I couldn't handle it any more. It was easier to put it down. I've stopped cutting myself. But is this any better?
I have not been that happy carefree girl for five years now and it kills me. I want her back. I don't want to count calories, or feel guilty for eating too much, or go running for 45 minutes just so I can have a handful of skittles. I don't want to cry when I think of my life or feel the emotions that people normally feel. I don't want to have to struggle all the time. Makes it seem pointless. :(
Four years ago I went to uni. I saw that people all over the country were as judgmental as the girls I grew up with and something changed in me; it was me who had the problem, not them. I was in the wrong. I began to change myself. I still danced and ate what I wanted but try as I might I couldn't ignore people who looked down on me for my less than perfect body any more. I made changes and for the first time in my life, I felt that I was unworthy. I felt the urge to hurt myself more as a punishment. I felt the pull of death and wanted to go to it for the first time in my life. My shopping changed from 100% what I wanted to 75% what I wanted and 25% what I felt I needed, like diet drinks and fruit.
Three years ago I saw a change on the scale. I hated myself now. I missed the carefree girl who laughed and danced and cared for everyone. I no longer ignored people who looked down on me. Suddenly, just eating less wasn't enough. I had to exercise more, earn more money, go out more, get more drunk. Be a grown up, away from the childish world of Prada bags and thigh gaps. Away from the girls who called me names and made me feel small for being who I was. I stopped buying the crisps and the sugary sweets. I began feeling guilty when I bought the sandwiches with cheese and mayo and crap in.
Two years ago I fell too deep. I cared no longer about anyone, I rarely laughed, I danced with no song in my heart, I wanted to be thinner and yet it never happened because I wasn't, in my eyes, dedicated enough. I wanted to die and tried to kill myself. I wanted to be away from everything. Just being an adult wasn't enough. It sucked. People are still mean to you whether you're 12 or 20. People start to die as you get older. People start to hurt you intentionally. I didn't buy anything. I ate what I had to to stop my parents worrying as I lived at home again, but it was the bare minimum. I learnt the tricks of making it look like I'd eaten when I hadn't.
One year ago I covered up the wounds of the past with hope for the future. It didn't work. It never works. Moving out to uni again I regained control of my shopping and filled my fridge with glorious things, fattening things, beautiful things I hadn't had the desire to eat in years. Yet without fail every week they got thrown in the bin as I tried to stop myself from gorging on them. I wasted so much money on food that I didn't eat...
Now I stock my fridge with vegetables and turkey ham. I drink a 1.5l bottle of water + a day. I feel guilty if I eat over 1100 calories whether I've exercised or not. I occasionally buy cookies and crisps but every bite I take of them is torture and I know that soon they'll go completely. My cupboard is full of things that don't go off like pasta and rice but things I don't allow myself to have. My room is filled with fruit. For the first time this morning, I made up my bowl of porridge and I only ate half of it. Because I felt too bad for eating so many carbs that I couldn't handle it any more. It was easier to put it down. I've stopped cutting myself. But is this any better?
I have not been that happy carefree girl for five years now and it kills me. I want her back. I don't want to count calories, or feel guilty for eating too much, or go running for 45 minutes just so I can have a handful of skittles. I don't want to cry when I think of my life or feel the emotions that people normally feel. I don't want to have to struggle all the time. Makes it seem pointless. :(
Monday, 13 February 2012
To add to my post from Sunday
This is what I need to do between now and going home for Easter at the end of March:
- Lectures as usual (16 hours a week if I go to them all)
- Try and get a doctors appointment and sort my life out
- Hopefully start counselling
- Sort out my house; there's still a lot of problems with it and the other house mates
- Dissertation meetings and ethics forms
- 3 blog posts and 18 comments for my stats class
- Go to the disability office and see if they can help me out with my 9ams/lack of motivation/just shitness
- 4 midterm exams
- 2 cheerleading competitions
- Learn the pom dance routine and have it perfect
- Improve cheerleading routine so it's better for last comp
- 2 assignments
- Apply for a job being a warden next year
- Cheerleading and gymnastics training
- Mentoring kids in schools (only two more of those left though)
- Try to stay alive and smoke/alcohol/cut/binge/starve free
- Get my sister and dad a birthday present
Out of all of those, this week I have:
- A 9am tomorrow that I have to attend
- A meeting with my estate agent (again, tomorrow morning, so I'm double booked)
- Go to town, return my broken bag from H+M, pick up my cheerleading top, get money out for my pom dance costume and sort out the gas bill even though I'm still waiting for the money from one guy
- Read a 25 page long paper for our dissertation meeting on Wednesday
- Go and see my tutor to collect my semester 1 results and see if I have to retake anything
- Go to the disability office
- Try and get the GP appointment
- Write my blog before Saturday
- Start revising for midterms
- Finish 1 assignment and start the next
- Finish my job app.
- Cheer training every night
- Comp on Sunday, leaving here at 3:30am, competing at 8:30am and 1pm and then getting back here at about 11pm (then a 9am lecture on Monday)
I don't think I can do this. So much stuff to do. I can't even share some of it out... there was going to be more but I managed to say no to it. Arghhhh :(
- Lectures as usual (16 hours a week if I go to them all)
- Try and get a doctors appointment and sort my life out
- Hopefully start counselling
- Sort out my house; there's still a lot of problems with it and the other house mates
- Dissertation meetings and ethics forms
- 3 blog posts and 18 comments for my stats class
- Go to the disability office and see if they can help me out with my 9ams/lack of motivation/just shitness
- 4 midterm exams
- 2 cheerleading competitions
- Learn the pom dance routine and have it perfect
- Improve cheerleading routine so it's better for last comp
- 2 assignments
- Apply for a job being a warden next year
- Cheerleading and gymnastics training
- Mentoring kids in schools (only two more of those left though)
- Try to stay alive and smoke/alcohol/cut/binge/starve free
- Get my sister and dad a birthday present
Out of all of those, this week I have:
- A 9am tomorrow that I have to attend
- A meeting with my estate agent (again, tomorrow morning, so I'm double booked)
- Go to town, return my broken bag from H+M, pick up my cheerleading top, get money out for my pom dance costume and sort out the gas bill even though I'm still waiting for the money from one guy
- Read a 25 page long paper for our dissertation meeting on Wednesday
- Go and see my tutor to collect my semester 1 results and see if I have to retake anything
- Go to the disability office
- Try and get the GP appointment
- Write my blog before Saturday
- Start revising for midterms
- Finish 1 assignment and start the next
- Finish my job app.
- Cheer training every night
- Comp on Sunday, leaving here at 3:30am, competing at 8:30am and 1pm and then getting back here at about 11pm (then a 9am lecture on Monday)
I don't think I can do this. So much stuff to do. I can't even share some of it out... there was going to be more but I managed to say no to it. Arghhhh :(
Sunday, 12 February 2012
I need to stop watching shows like The Biggest Loser
because it triggers me so much. For these reasons:
- Watching the numbers on the scale at the weigh in go down so fast (especially in the first few episodes)
- Seeing how hard they exercise
- Wondering about what they eat and how long they exercise for
- Looking at them as a form of reverse thinspo
Seriously, 22lbs weightloss in ONE week?! That's insane. 22lbs weightloss would take me to my UGW. In total each team lost 104lbs between them, that's the weight that some healthy people weigh. Fuck, some healthy people weigh less than that.
My brain just exploded. And now I want to work out until I throw up.
- Watching the numbers on the scale at the weigh in go down so fast (especially in the first few episodes)
- Seeing how hard they exercise
- Wondering about what they eat and how long they exercise for
- Looking at them as a form of reverse thinspo
Seriously, 22lbs weightloss in ONE week?! That's insane. 22lbs weightloss would take me to my UGW. In total each team lost 104lbs between them, that's the weight that some healthy people weigh. Fuck, some healthy people weigh less than that.
My brain just exploded. And now I want to work out until I throw up.
Not sure how much longer I can hold on any more...
Everything is so stressful...
Uni work is hard and there's so much to do that I don't know where to start so I don't start it at all.
Cheerleading is going terribly and we have a comp next weekend and the weekend after that.
I can't see my boyfriend for Valentines day (even though neither of us really care about it) as I have cheer practice tomorrow night, and a lecture on Wednesday at 9am so I can't get there and back in time.
I haven't seen my family in months and will miss my Dads and sisters birthdays in April because of cheerleading.
I can't start any meds until at least March because of cheerleading and exams.
I got bumped down the counselling waiting list because I didn't get the email with my appointment in.
My laptop died just after Christmas and wiped my hard drive so I can't update the website I built for our cheerleading squad or update my iPod with the 6 CDs, including running tracks, that I've bought since then.
All I can think about is food.
I keep bingeing randomly but because I can't purge I'm gaining weight.
I see nothing good in myself and just want to curl up and cry all the time
And to top it of... I'm still fucking fat.
God I hate life.
Uni work is hard and there's so much to do that I don't know where to start so I don't start it at all.
Cheerleading is going terribly and we have a comp next weekend and the weekend after that.
I can't see my boyfriend for Valentines day (even though neither of us really care about it) as I have cheer practice tomorrow night, and a lecture on Wednesday at 9am so I can't get there and back in time.
I haven't seen my family in months and will miss my Dads and sisters birthdays in April because of cheerleading.
I can't start any meds until at least March because of cheerleading and exams.
I got bumped down the counselling waiting list because I didn't get the email with my appointment in.
My laptop died just after Christmas and wiped my hard drive so I can't update the website I built for our cheerleading squad or update my iPod with the 6 CDs, including running tracks, that I've bought since then.
All I can think about is food.
I keep bingeing randomly but because I can't purge I'm gaining weight.
I see nothing good in myself and just want to curl up and cry all the time
And to top it of... I'm still fucking fat.
God I hate life.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
New beginnings
New year right? A bit late but it's ok.
I've started training for a 5k run, using the couch to 5k program. Did my first run last night and I enjoyed it, but got a bit bored running around and around a football pitch... so tomorrow night I think I might go run somewhere else. Trouble is I'm trying to keep it relatively flat to begin with (once I've done all the 9 weeks I plan to do it again but using a very hilly route) and living in North Wales, this is difficult. To put it into context - I live at the bottom of a hill. To the right of my house, is another hill. Behind my house, is a third hill. It's kinda in a valley I guess. But running straight along the main roads leads to... yes... another hill. Random brainwave... I could run along the main road to where it starts to climb, turn around and run back the rest of the way. Following the commands ofc. Yeah, that'll do.
Had one exam yesterday, which went ok I think considering it's a module I have been in 4 out of 12 lectures. We had 4 short answer questions (SAQs), and two of them I smashed through and am relatively happy with - the first one I mucked up a little and it's really annoying me but the second one was spot on I reckon. Even threw in a little bit of extra at the end to make it look like I'd done loads of reading ;) The other two SAQs were from the hardest lectures I've ever seen and so I knew that I wouldn't do massively well at them, but I made a guess and I think I might have picked up a point or two here and there in them. The multiple choice (MCQs) section wasn't too bad, some 'could be this, could be that' questions but on the whole I think I got about half right. Which leads me with some hope of passing, yay! If I don't pass it, I think I have to retake it in June... PITA.
Tomorrow I have a stats final, not looking forward to that but it should be one of the easier exams as we're allowed a crib sheet and she's given us 10 of the 50 MCQs beforehand. So I'm not massively worried about that.
However on Thursday I have a 2 hour neurobiology exam and I am shitting it. I'll have roughly 24 hours to learn and revise 12 hours worth of content; doesn't sound much but this stuff is so so complicated to understand. It's both MCQ and SAQ, and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
Next Thursday is my last final, in social psychology, which I'm currently averaging a low A-/A in; and the module I'm most confident in. So much so that I'm planning to do most of my revision on Saturday and then I'm off to my boyfriends until Wednesday evening. I have to plan an essay for it which will take me a day I reckon, and then learn the plan, and then make sure I know all the content. Shouldn't be too hard.
Food wise has been a bit ridiculous recently. Yesterday's out put for MFP:
Today is still unknown, I'm at about 600 with dinner still left to eat and I'm a bit worried. I don't know. It feels recently that this whole thing has got a tighter grip on me than it ever has before. Maybe it's the stress? Idk. No time for exercise today :(
I've started training for a 5k run, using the couch to 5k program. Did my first run last night and I enjoyed it, but got a bit bored running around and around a football pitch... so tomorrow night I think I might go run somewhere else. Trouble is I'm trying to keep it relatively flat to begin with (once I've done all the 9 weeks I plan to do it again but using a very hilly route) and living in North Wales, this is difficult. To put it into context - I live at the bottom of a hill. To the right of my house, is another hill. Behind my house, is a third hill. It's kinda in a valley I guess. But running straight along the main roads leads to... yes... another hill. Random brainwave... I could run along the main road to where it starts to climb, turn around and run back the rest of the way. Following the commands ofc. Yeah, that'll do.
Had one exam yesterday, which went ok I think considering it's a module I have been in 4 out of 12 lectures. We had 4 short answer questions (SAQs), and two of them I smashed through and am relatively happy with - the first one I mucked up a little and it's really annoying me but the second one was spot on I reckon. Even threw in a little bit of extra at the end to make it look like I'd done loads of reading ;) The other two SAQs were from the hardest lectures I've ever seen and so I knew that I wouldn't do massively well at them, but I made a guess and I think I might have picked up a point or two here and there in them. The multiple choice (MCQs) section wasn't too bad, some 'could be this, could be that' questions but on the whole I think I got about half right. Which leads me with some hope of passing, yay! If I don't pass it, I think I have to retake it in June... PITA.
Tomorrow I have a stats final, not looking forward to that but it should be one of the easier exams as we're allowed a crib sheet and she's given us 10 of the 50 MCQs beforehand. So I'm not massively worried about that.
However on Thursday I have a 2 hour neurobiology exam and I am shitting it. I'll have roughly 24 hours to learn and revise 12 hours worth of content; doesn't sound much but this stuff is so so complicated to understand. It's both MCQ and SAQ, and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
Next Thursday is my last final, in social psychology, which I'm currently averaging a low A-/A in; and the module I'm most confident in. So much so that I'm planning to do most of my revision on Saturday and then I'm off to my boyfriends until Wednesday evening. I have to plan an essay for it which will take me a day I reckon, and then learn the plan, and then make sure I know all the content. Shouldn't be too hard.
Food wise has been a bit ridiculous recently. Yesterday's out put for MFP:
| Totals | 934 | 110 | 31 | 29 | |
| Your Daily Goal | 1,454 | 199 | 48 | 54 | |
| Remaining | 520 | 89 | 17 | 25 | |
| Calories | Carbs | Fat | Protein | ||
| *You've earned 254 extra calories from exercise today | |||||
Today is still unknown, I'm at about 600 with dinner still left to eat and I'm a bit worried. I don't know. It feels recently that this whole thing has got a tighter grip on me than it ever has before. Maybe it's the stress? Idk. No time for exercise today :(
Monday, 2 January 2012
2012
Happy new year, may it bring you happiness, wealth, love, beauty and most importantly of all, peace :)
Comment replies:
Beth, Princess, my Christmas was surprisingly wonderful. I say surprisingly as it was the first year that we didn't do the traditions with my sister staying at her fiancé's for Christmas morning. However, it was still lovely. I hope yours was similar :)
Happiness; the temptation to just squirrel all my money away is winning out I think... Plus my parents have promised me one for my birthday in May :D
Comment replies:
Beth, Princess, my Christmas was surprisingly wonderful. I say surprisingly as it was the first year that we didn't do the traditions with my sister staying at her fiancé's for Christmas morning. However, it was still lovely. I hope yours was similar :)
Happiness; the temptation to just squirrel all my money away is winning out I think... Plus my parents have promised me one for my birthday in May :D
Friday, 30 December 2011
Hi, new depth of insanity
I think I've just hit an all time low.
I really really want a coffee maker, more specifically a Tassimo coffee maker. Can get a decent one for about £70... but I'm holding off buying it because I'm not 100% what the average calorie content of a coffee/hot drink made in one is and if they don't have skimmed milk pods, I'm not getting it.
I can not base life decisions on whether or not there's a low fat option >.<'
I really really want a coffee maker, more specifically a Tassimo coffee maker. Can get a decent one for about £70... but I'm holding off buying it because I'm not 100% what the average calorie content of a coffee/hot drink made in one is and if they don't have skimmed milk pods, I'm not getting it.
I can not base life decisions on whether or not there's a low fat option >.<'
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Christmas photos...
None of people, I'm afraid. Just presents given and received. This might be a bit boring but it's a means of procrastination...
First off, presents I received from my parents (a few things are missing)
From the left hand side to the right, back to front;
- Large black overnight/weekend bag, which has some lovely (full sized, which is rare for gift sets!) Mandara Spa toiletries in. Gonna use this when I go visit my boy :)
- Dr Who Monopoly set
- Paperchase box (not a present) holding all my stocking fillers. Photo of them coming
- Hand made hot water bottle, my sister did everything on this herself apart from making the material and the actual hot water bottle.
- Set of organising books including a birthday book, an address book and a yearless diary
- Tea time cookie cutter set :D
- Ruby make up gift set, looks lovely but I haven't had a chance to have a proper look at it yet.
- Books; 'The cat who came for christmas' by Cleveland Amory which I've started but not got much into yet. Not my normal type of book but it's a pleasant read so far. Big book of cocktail recipes, again not had much of a read yet but it looks awesome on my flicking :D and Christopher Ransom's 'The people next door'. I haven't even read the blurb on this but for what I gather it's either a mystery or horror book. Should be decent!
- Inbetweeners Yearbook and DVD, gonna watch it with my Dad tonight maybe.
- China horse that goes with the two I got for my 21st and my christmas presents last year. It's very pretty :)
- Joggers, standard!
- PJs, again, pretty standard. Long sleeved which is great for me :)
- Cat trinket box thing, it's cute. From a German market I believe... will probably use it for jewellery as I currently have mine laying around at uni
- The four little black boxes contain a pandora *style* necklace and a few different beads to go on them. They're not expensive ones (as said by my Mum!) so I can wear them out and about and not worry about them. Perfect.
- Not pictured; massive light up make up mirror from No. 7. I'm in love with it!
Close up of the water bottle that I am in love with...
In my stocking was...
First off, presents I received from my parents (a few things are missing)
- Large black overnight/weekend bag, which has some lovely (full sized, which is rare for gift sets!) Mandara Spa toiletries in. Gonna use this when I go visit my boy :)
- Dr Who Monopoly set
- Paperchase box (not a present) holding all my stocking fillers. Photo of them coming
- Hand made hot water bottle, my sister did everything on this herself apart from making the material and the actual hot water bottle.
- Set of organising books including a birthday book, an address book and a yearless diary
- Tea time cookie cutter set :D
- Ruby make up gift set, looks lovely but I haven't had a chance to have a proper look at it yet.
- Books; 'The cat who came for christmas' by Cleveland Amory which I've started but not got much into yet. Not my normal type of book but it's a pleasant read so far. Big book of cocktail recipes, again not had much of a read yet but it looks awesome on my flicking :D and Christopher Ransom's 'The people next door'. I haven't even read the blurb on this but for what I gather it's either a mystery or horror book. Should be decent!
- Inbetweeners Yearbook and DVD, gonna watch it with my Dad tonight maybe.
- China horse that goes with the two I got for my 21st and my christmas presents last year. It's very pretty :)
- Joggers, standard!
- PJs, again, pretty standard. Long sleeved which is great for me :)
- Cat trinket box thing, it's cute. From a German market I believe... will probably use it for jewellery as I currently have mine laying around at uni
- The four little black boxes contain a pandora *style* necklace and a few different beads to go on them. They're not expensive ones (as said by my Mum!) so I can wear them out and about and not worry about them. Perfect.
- Not pictured; massive light up make up mirror from No. 7. I'm in love with it!
Close up of the water bottle that I am in love with...
In my stocking was...
Lots of toiletries, some chocolate, a little purple tea light holder that looks beautiful when you put a light in (my mum has an orange one downstairs and it is really lovely) and a few little knick knack things. The magnet in the right corner says 'If at first you don't succeed, do it as your mother told you to' - my philosophy exactly ;) I also got a calendar and a pair of fluffy arm warmers in my stocking, but they're downstairs.
Lots of face masks in here! Happy about that, I really need to start a proper face care skin routine.
Now... sales shopping...
- Bag from H+M, £14.99 so not in the sale but I had a gift card for £30 from a relative so I used that.
- Make up bag/pencil case (undecided how I'm going to use it yet) from Paperchase
- Two boxes from Paperchase, the bigger one is going to have all my beauty products I think and the little one will sit on my desk with treats and sweets in *teehee*
- Going to put the tissue paper on my wardrobe wall to brighten my room up a bit
- Curling wand, wanted one for ages and this was half price at £20.49 so thought fuck it! It's a Babyliss one. From youtube videos I've come to the conclusion that 'Babyliss' in the UK is 'Conair' in America. Or, at the very least, the two curling wands are exactly the same. I've been experimenting with it and have yet to do it to a satisfactory level but I am getting better.
And now for the giving... only one picture unfortunately, and it's not all nicely bordered like the others, but this is the hamper I made my mum (I made my sister and her fiancé one too, it was blue and gold instead of purple and gold).
I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and got what you hoped for. Have a happy new year guys, I'll be back soon I think.
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
Monday, 26 December 2011
Friday, 16 December 2011
Annnnnd I'm outta here :D
Well, almost.
BF came over Wednesday and gave me the extra big suitcase I need to fit all my stuff in for christmas (oops. It's really heavy and it's going to be great fun getting it on a packed train... three times... yay?)... he was meant to go home Wednesday evening but he kinda stayed the night. I had nothing to do with that ;) He said just before he left that I was 'better than [he] had expected'... apparently he was expecting a night of suicide attempts and self harming. That boy's such a charmer... as I explained to him, when I'm alone everything gets on top of me and I feel terrible. When I'm around him or other company, normally I'm fine unless I'm feeling really shit. I dunno. I can control myself around people.
I'm trying to find a new theme for my tumblr (http://slipandsink.tumblr.com/)... hmm. Thinking about paying for a premium one, nothing over £2 though. Any suggestions?
I really don't have much else to say. Sad times. Other than how frustrating it is to eat less and stay the same weight. I eat about 1100 calories a day now and I'm STILL 140lbs. WTF.
Also... I do still read your blogs. Honestly.
BF came over Wednesday and gave me the extra big suitcase I need to fit all my stuff in for christmas (oops. It's really heavy and it's going to be great fun getting it on a packed train... three times... yay?)... he was meant to go home Wednesday evening but he kinda stayed the night. I had nothing to do with that ;) He said just before he left that I was 'better than [he] had expected'... apparently he was expecting a night of suicide attempts and self harming. That boy's such a charmer... as I explained to him, when I'm alone everything gets on top of me and I feel terrible. When I'm around him or other company, normally I'm fine unless I'm feeling really shit. I dunno. I can control myself around people.
I'm trying to find a new theme for my tumblr (http://slipandsink.tumblr.com/)... hmm. Thinking about paying for a premium one, nothing over £2 though. Any suggestions?
I really don't have much else to say. Sad times. Other than how frustrating it is to eat less and stay the same weight. I eat about 1100 calories a day now and I'm STILL 140lbs. WTF.
Also... I do still read your blogs. Honestly.
Friday, 9 December 2011
Bleh
Massively over used title. Do I care? No, I'm a rebel see.
Cut yesterday. Bad me.
I have no idea what to do or where to go.
Who to talk to. Where to turn.
1) Doctor... effort and pointless as I'm out of here for a month next week
2) Counselling... similar. Been referred since October but haven't been yet
3) BF... not fair on him
4) Parents/family/friends... just no
5) The internet... a rather empty solution
Sigh.
Cut yesterday. Bad me.
I have no idea what to do or where to go.
Who to talk to. Where to turn.
1) Doctor... effort and pointless as I'm out of here for a month next week
2) Counselling... similar. Been referred since October but haven't been yet
3) BF... not fair on him
4) Parents/family/friends... just no
5) The internet... a rather empty solution
Sigh.
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Holy crap
As noted in my last post, I'm pretty much failing second year.
Got all my midterm results back now -
Psychobiology: D+ (49.5% of overall grade)
Research methods: C- (about 24% of overall grade)
Personality psychology: D+ (about 30% of overall grade)
Social psychology: A- (about 40% of overall grade)
Wait, what?
A-?
Couple that with my A for my assignment I've already done, and the assignment that I have to hand in this week that I'm pretty confident I can get at least a B in, and I'm on track for at least a B in that module. Which is more than I wanted (works out as a high 2:1)
Even better is the exam was split in half; 50% multiple choice and 50% essay. I got a C- on the multiple choice section with 24 out of 32 questions correct. Which means my essay must have been an A*. I've never got an A* for an essay before!
Got all my midterm results back now -
Psychobiology: D+ (49.5% of overall grade)
Research methods: C- (about 24% of overall grade)
Personality psychology: D+ (about 30% of overall grade)
Social psychology: A- (about 40% of overall grade)
Wait, what?
A-?
Couple that with my A for my assignment I've already done, and the assignment that I have to hand in this week that I'm pretty confident I can get at least a B in, and I'm on track for at least a B in that module. Which is more than I wanted (works out as a high 2:1)
Even better is the exam was split in half; 50% multiple choice and 50% essay. I got a C- on the multiple choice section with 24 out of 32 questions correct. Which means my essay must have been an A*. I've never got an A* for an essay before!
Monday, 5 December 2011
Fear, loathing and self hatred
So... I've been mainly hanging out on tumblr for the last few months. Hiding from the world under a completely new internet identity. I'm so rad that I don't even use proper grammar on tumblr, so I look younger and can't be linked to me (as I am a total grammar nazi in real life). Strange logic but logic none the less. I always think someone's going to recognise me off this blog because of my writing style... crazy, eh?
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
Despite spending most of November in bed (depressive episodes suck arse) I've managed to haul myself to my boyfriends for a few days. Was meant to be back at uni today but I couldn't face it and I cried so he's letting me stay until tomorrow. Yeah. Cutting and not eating and sleeping 16 hours a day = one failed assignment, one looming soon to be failed assignment, no friends, no motivation, no life, no happy Merla... sadface. I dunno. I'm only back at uni when I go back tomorrow until next Saturday (17th) but it feels like a lifetime. Even though it also feels like yesterday when I took my midterm exams, which were four weeks ago Thursday. So far this year I've got grades wise: A, C, C-, D+, D-. With one exam and two assignments left to get back (two assignments due in Thursday, one finished one needing an extension). Last exam to get back is in my best module and should be at least a B... Hopefully. Wrote a stonking essay in it, but the MCQs might let me down.
The D- should have been a B. But it was handed in a week late with no extension and got capped at a D-. Overall for that module I'm averaging a D+ (45%). A low pass. The A is in my best module and as I said, I'm hoping for Bs upwards in that with one assignment to hand in and my exam to get back. Should be ok I think. However, one module being at a B+ and the rest being at low Cs or Ds is not going to get me very far. If anything, it's going to make things look worse - I can't even fail properly.
Life is not going well for me. I basically live alone, in a 5 bedroom house. Apart from my boyfriend and parents, I don't speak to anyone outside of the rare times I struggle in to lectures or go to cheer practice. It's a very lonely existence and I'm convinced if I keeled over tomorrow in my room at uni because of a heart attack no-one would notice for a good month. Occasionally I run (for some reason, I've said I'll run a half marathon in summer. I'm fucking crazy and shitting myself about it already, especially as my running buddy is very skinny and very fit already) but more often than not I blow my running buddy off saying that I'm too tired (impossible when I've been sleeping all day) or I have work to do (stupid when I don't do it anyway). I had a few friends from my course last year but this year it's dwindled to one girl who I'm fairly certain won't bother with me after Christmas.
Food wise it's been rocky. I'm not ashamed to admit any more that I'm consumed by calories and fat content and portion sizes. On the rare occasions that I eat 'normally' it's junk food and it's only because someone else is there. My boyfriend is great for this, when he's around everything is perfect and fine, I can do my uni work, I can go out and socialise, I can eat whatever I want and I don't even question it. When he's not I fall to pieces. But what's the solution? I can't move in with him, and he can't move in with me. My uni town is tiny, shit and a horrible place to live. His town is too far to commute and whilst it has a uni, it's a very prestigious one and there's noway I'd even be allowed on campus let alone to study there.
I'm trying hard to tone up/lose weight healthily/not cut but it's not working. I've been far worse depression wise but it was a different kind of depression. Then it was an active self hatred, fear of the world, loathing of everything in it. Now it's just... ambivalence and acceptance that my life is shit and will remain so for the next two years at least. I'd like to just disappear into the background. There's nowhere I can go from here... fail uni, and I'm a drop out two times. I look like an idiot who can't cope when things get a bit tough. Plus I really really want to finish this course. Like so much. I enjoy some of it, as the A and (should've been) B show I am not terrible at it, I'm just struggling right now. But I can't repeat a year as I won't get finance. Maybe if I'm asked to I should just cough up the money for the extra year myself. But I don't want to spend a week in my uni town right now, let alone another year on top of what I have to.
Weight? I honestly don't know. Was 66.6kgs on the scales Saturday at the GP BUT I was fully clothed, wearing a hoody, two tops, heavy jeans, big winter boots. So maybe like 64kgs? My housemate has some electronic scales but I don't know if I trust them. One day they'll read me at 138lbs and then the next I'll bounce up to 146lbs even though in the 16 hours between weighing I'll have gone to gymnastics and only eaten about 700 calories. I don't know. The doctor keeps asking me if I'm eating properly, to which I of course reply yes, after all if I said no, actually I eat when I'm forced to by people on the internet or when something is going out of date and even then I only eat half of it she'd look at me like I was crazy. Well, I am crazy.
My sister is getting married in summer of 2013. So I'm hoping to get to my UGW (118lbs) before summer this year so I can maintain and when I go dress fitting/to the wedding itself people won't bother me with the 'Oh you're so skinny!' lying bull crap my family like to pull.
I don't know what I want to achieve any more. It used to be get a degree, do a postgrad, get a good job, house, husband, car, dog, kids. Now it's get to Christmas without breaking down.
So, to summarise, I'm essentially living alone, I have no friends, I see my boyfriend once a month if that, I'm failing uni and I don't eat when I'm not with people. Which is 90% of the time. But I'm still fat. Go figure. I hate life.
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