The 'back on track' starts tomorrow!

Not really got a decent title for this one! I'm just going to type out my stream of conciousness. It's probably going to be long and rather boring, I'm afraid, but I promise some lovely thinspo at the end!

Today started rather badly. I was meant to be up before 8am so I could phone the doctors and get an appointment but I slept in til midday. I went down town with my boyfriend and got some lunch (2 fried eggs and 3 hash browns), a few DVDs and my favourite thing of the day; a paint by numbers kit! I'm hoping that it'll be a nice distraction when I'm feeling down and will stop me from binging/self harming/planning my suicide (never a good thing >.<) AND IT HAS KITTENS ON. OMFG. Yeah. I'm so damn cool! And my lovely friend informed me that her step dad isn't doing so well (see previous post) :( so a little bit of worry and hectic running around there to sort some things out for her. It's the least I can do.

Anyway... I ate tortillas for dinner (2 Quorn breasts, 94cal, 3 tortillas, 300 cal, cheese and sauce about 100 cal) so I'm pretty happy that I haven't gone much over 1000 cal today, and I burned off a fair amount with shopping and tidying my room. Very happy to have a tidy room! I think I'm going to drag my BF out in a bit for a late night walk as I'm feeling a bit heavy from dinner - we didn't eat until late. I'm craving a bowl of porridge like a bitch... I might have to have one! I've done a lot of my painting by numbers though and I'm watching another episode of ANTM atm so it should stave me off. I have Quaker Oats, prepackaged, and only 120 calories per bowl if made with water - awesome! Technically I could 'afford' some - I'm only trying to stay under 1200 calories - but I dunno if it's worth giving into the temptation?

And the best news of today, I have joined the gym! My induction is tomorrow at quarter past 8 in the evening, it takes about 30 minutes then I get a 'free' session in the gym, so I'll probably be there until it closes at 10 :D Going to just start slow with 30 minutes on the treadmill and 20 on the bike, then in a few weeks I'll take it up to 45 minutes on the treadmill, 30 on bike and some more weight/toning style exercises. I'm aiming to be able to walk up 'Bitch hill' (a very, very steep hill in my uni town) without being out of breath by the summer, lose some weight and lose some inches so I look good in my cheerleading outfit and summer clothes!

Another random thing is that I love lava lamps. No, I just love lighting! I bought some fairy lights in the sale after christmas and have stuck them around my shelves and I got given a lava lamp for christmas... I can sit here for ages just watching it. It's so pretty.

I have an exam next Friday that I haven't revised for yet, and didn't go to any of the lectures for so I'm a bit stressed by that :( But tomorrow I plan to go to the doctors, do my washing and get a decent start on revision. That means going to bed early tonight!

Now, here's your thinspo that you so deserve! :) Today, it's all from Lookbook.nu.

(I seriously want this... everything! Stunning!)

I'm not religious but if you are...

I don't normally do this, I'm sorry but I'd be very grateful if anyone who's religious could hold someone in their prayers for me over the next few weeks.

My good friend from back home is going with her mum and her step dad in an ambulance 60 miles across country in order to move her step dad to a better hospital with better respiratory facilities. He was a previously fit and healthy 50 something man who had promised to take her to see her Aunts horses in the near future when the snow had gone and was teaching her to drive in his car. Last Tuesday, for no apparent reason his lungs collapsed and he was rushed to hospital. After spending a week in an intensive care unit, he has made no improvement and today is even starting to go down a bit. He needs to be in a hospital that can fully provide for him with their resources - Our local just can't do it. The new hospital is 60 miles away from home. Neither her or her mum can drive so I have no idea how they'll be doing it, as they were told today that if he doesn't improve over the next few days, he never will. The journey is treacherous and they're worried that he might go on the way to the new hospital. So please, hold him in your thoughts tonight. Thank you

xx

Oh the little things

are the worst ones that drag you down, am I right?

General normal conversation with the boy just now, over MSN:
Him: I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow, been piling on the pounds lol
Me: Yeah, that's a plan, I'm going to finally join it tomorrow and book my induction. Need to go back to the Drs* as well :(... I'll do that tomorrow too
Him: Good stuff, you gonna start gyming?
Me: Yeah, wanna lose some weight and tone up, about a stone
Him: A stone? How much do you weigh at the moment?
Me: 10 stone.
Him: So you want to be 9?
Me: Mmmhmm, or ideally 8 and a half, dunno yet.
Him: 9 is skinny for you, you won't get there.
Me: I'm gonna try :)
Him: Well stop eating then lard arse :p
Me: (Inward face palm) Already on it...
Him: Lol, I love your chubbiness! Don't lose it all :p
Me: I hate it... :(

Well, ok that wasn't exactly it. But it's just made me feel like shit - I know he likes my body but I can not stress enough how much I hate it right now. It's fucking vile. I'm watching the second to last season of ANTM and just lusting after these girls bodies... Especially Jessica... she's perfection! I know he didn't mean it in the way he did but for me it's been a big trigger. So, tomorrow, fat arse Merla is gone and I'm starting a three day fast. Fucking bring it.

*I hate going to the Drs but I need a prescription refill :( He's going to ask how the drugs have been going and I'll either lie and say there's no difference or I'll lie and say they're working. No fucking way I'm telling him about the weight issues or the SH urges or that I spent the entire evening the other day sobbing in my boyfriends arms begging him to forgive me if I did kill myself. No fucking way.

Some thinspo, ANTM style!

Another stunning girl; Danielle, winner of cycle 6

Clark Gilmer

I need these shoes - Erin Wagner

And finally, Analeigh Tipton

Hell

Trapped in a vicious cycle.

Need to get over 3000 words written before 5pm tomorrow. Yes, the 5pm that is in 25 hours 23 minutes away (at this time of writing). It's worth 25% of my only core module. That means if I don't get it in, I'm realistically crippling myself to having - not wanting, but having to gain 55% in the module through other means. This is done by weekly stats tests. I am not on track for this. If I fail this module, I won't be coming back next year for year two.

And all I can do is sit at my laptop and try not to cry, or stuff my face with food. Fucking reject.

Stress? Stress makes me want to cut. Or brand myself. Or do SOMETHING destructive.

In other news, I've gone veggie. It's... interesting. Not over-enamoured yet but it's stopping me from eating a load of junk all the time.

Sooooo, water weight?

I was moaning on PT the other day that I'd been doing a lot of work (restricting and exercising more as I was working 8+ hour days) yet my weight was staying stable at 142lbs. Wellll it would appear that phase is over as I am now 139.6! Woo, back in the 30s :) gonna work really hard to keep it down and keep moving forward. I want to be 130 by the end of February, my first cheerleading comp. The only problem is I don't have a working scale at uni, so I'm trying to figure out what to do in that sense. I need to start taking measurements but I don't have a clue where to measure! I'm quite worried that it's all water weight though :/ I just hope that it isn't. Haven't really been able to exercise this last week which is annoying but when I get back to uni on Saturday my first thing to do is join the gym :)

No thinspo today I'm afraid because of the cold making me feel like shit, and I can't be bothered trawling for it, I'd rather just nap instead :p But I'll post some soon. Maybe a bumper thinspo post in on the cards?

On the same note, what's your favourite site for thinspo? I love lookbook.nu even though it's mainly the clothes and outfits! And I enjoy browsing xanga/blog sites for them... Need some new ones though.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Sorry I haven't updated much recently. I'll update more in the new year.


Have a good christmas everyone :) Peace and love


<3 x

Gragghhh

*Bangs head into desk*

I am an utter life fail.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate that I have no courage any more.

I hate that I have no conviction.

I hate that I don't follow through with what I say.

I hate that I push people away when I need them the most.

I hate that I'm curious and will push an issue when it's clear that the other person doesn't want to talk about it.

I hate that I'm a hypocrite.

I hate that the new drugs have taken my emotions.

I hate that I don't even want to S/H any more because fuck it, it made me feel good.

I hate that I doubt him and his intentions.

I hate that Christmas is coming.

I hate being alive.

I hate being fat.

I hate that he likes my body.

10 things

About me. Stolen shamelessly from danae's blog via Patience's blog.

10 rather uninteresting facts about me...
1) I've always wanted to spend my life helping people. I've toyed with the idea of being a nurse, a paramedic, a doctor (too boring, lol), a psychiatrist, a therapist. I've now settled on an eating disorders counsellor. Odd. I think my mental health though might be the only thing to stop me.
2) I'm originally from London, but I currently reside in Wales.
3) I love dairy. Like, seriously. I would die without it - it makes up far too much of my diet.
4) I get obsessed with things like sports or TV shows or books randomly for a month or two, then I drop them and spend a year not even bothering with them before going back again.
5) I can't draw to save my life but I love it and I wish I could.
6) A guy who can play an instrument is incredibly sexy. Especially if it's classical piano.
7) My favourite animals are horses and foxes. No, I don't support fox hunting.
8) I hate people touching my knees and my back. Argh. Makes me shiver to think of it!
9) I used to be a dancer, I gave it up for horse riding as my parents said I could get a horse on loan if I stopped (they couldn't afford both). The horse never appeared, and I lost the one thing I was fairly decent at.
10) I like writing lists, it's the best procrastination method ever!

Go on, if you haven't done it already, do it!

Busted scales

Aren't busted scales lovely?
I walked in to an irate flatmate yesterday. She'd been home for the weekend and weighed herself on her parents scales - they read half a stone heavier than mine at uni do. Oops.
I don't trust my scales at all! My other flatmate has some electronic ones but they only weigh in KG. I hate KG.
Weight today: 10 stone dead. BMI: 22.6
(Having had lunch - a potato waffle with a shit load of cheese on - and a coffee already, as I got up late)
Not good enough! Circuits tonight, should be good. Not sure when to eat? I've got half a tin of spaghetti in the fridge, so I'll have that, probably with some toast.
I'm thinking about following the ABC until I go home for christmas... Hmm. Or some other diet? I don't want to lose too much, just want to be 132lbs (my lowest weight to date) by Christmas Day - any more and I get family bitching at me.
I also have a dilemma; I need to measure myself for my cheerleading uniform but if I do it now - at hopefully what is a higher weight, it won't fit come February and the competitions. Hmm.

Zombie brain fog

Eurghhhh.
The zombie brain fog has started. I got up nearly two hours ago and so far I have - put a dressing gown on, made a cup of tea, toasted a slice of bread (which I ate two bites of because it tasted rank and I couldn't eat it properly from lack of saliva, nice; so guess today will be standing at that...) sat on a chair, listened to music, said goodbye to my boyfriend and relocated to my bedroom. I can't think straight, everything is a massive effort, I feel really spacey and if I stand up for too long I get dizzy. If I lie down for too long I start to feel really sick.
I had work I needed to do today but I don't think that's going to happen.
I've noticed that I'm getting more anxious and starting to worry and panic about things that would never have bothered me before; last night I lay in bed and was having a panic about cheerleading tomorrow as I don't know the dance and can't do the stunts. It doesn't matter; we've only just started learning them, but still - apparently logic doesn't matter to my brain.
According to my busted scales that I don't trust, I've hit 10stone (140lbs) :) Small positives! Being 134lbs or below before Christmas seems more attainable now. We were going to go to boxercise last night but we got there and the instructor told us it was for people who'd been before only, so we got turned away. Sigh. Circuits on Monday though.

Eurgh, I feel like crap.

A lot has happened since I last posted.
I self harmed again. That's a biggy, I guess. Went for my thigh this time as I'm going home in two weeks and it's pretty much the only part of me that my parents won't be looking at. Also, it seemed easier to 'work on' - well, yes it was. The cuts are much deeper than normal. I'm very lucky not to have got too far down. It was that or jump off a bridge into the ocean... Sounds dramatic but Tuesday night was long and far too reminiscent of the night I OD'ed the second time. There was planning and note writing involved. Not good. In the end I settled for going at my leg and waiting til morning to see if my feelings changed.
Yesterday, the day after, I went to the doctors. We had a long chat about killing myself would be damn stupid and how I have to actually put some work into recovering - I can't just chuck a pill down my neck once a day and hope that it works somehow. So, in a blackmail, black market kind of deal, I've been put on Sertraline on the condition that I reapply for counselling. Yay. The email has been sent; I'm very much hoping that they'll say the waiting list is too long and I can't come back. The GP said if that happens then I'll have to go down to the MH team in town which is a trek though.
The new pills are making me very tired, I can't think straight and I feel somewhat like a zombie. I spent the last 24 hours feeling very nauseous and with a cracking headache, which I can feel coming back again. I keep spacing out and my mouth is like the Sahara. Yay me.
However...
My appetite has pretty much gone :p :D

Pig

Just can't stop stuffing my face.
I can't stop the S/H urges either.

If there wasn't so much at stake... i.e. him... I wouldn't be holding back. I crave SH right now.

Fuck it all

All my life is is one mistake after another. One screw up then another. One wrong word and then another. I can't do anything right and I just push away the people I love. I can't live like this forever, I don't know what to do any more.


GP phone call tomorrow I think :*(

Having a couple of days break...

New diet - 2468 diet - starts in all earnest on Monday. Until then I'm just going to watch what I eat and drink this weekend, as I'm going to a friends house and it's unfair to force my diet habits on them. 

Long train journey mind. Sigh. 


I <3 this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNka92lzNpM

Bleh

That's all I have for today. Just bleh. Exam stress again.
Did ok for eating, stayed under 700 then pigged out again when I was revising. In my defence... fuck it, I don't have a defence.
I'm going to bed.

Learnt that lesson..

Don't leave your thinspo files in full view on your computer, people will find them. Sigh. Nothing's been mentioned though it's clear that the entire folder (which is a sub folder in a folder of pictures of me for progress) has been looked through... Eep. My fault for forgetting to hide it! ¬.¬
Anyway. Good day today :) Did a full three hours of cheerleading (I'm on the all girls team now :D Like I said before, it's not as serious as American cheerleading but we do games, pom dance and competition squad; I'll be doing as much as I can as I love it!)
Food wise, been very good today, sitting at about 650 calories and I'm more than happy with that :) Avoided eating all afternoon as I was at try-outs, and then I had half a kiev and a potato waffle with cheese on (I really must stop eating so much of it...) for tea. Two malted milks and a hot chocolate - Options, 40 cal - later and I'm done for the day. More than happy. Done lots of exercise and been out with my flatmates taking light photography, which didn't work particularly well but was cold and energetic so I'm ok with it. And it stopped me sitting in and just eating! 
Still incredibly stressed about tomorrow, Tuesday and Thursday though. I hate exams. So much pressure.
Woo...

Carb Binge

Yay. Spent the last 3 hours chain eating carbs. Go me. 


Twat.


And all this exam stress is making me want to cut again. 

A mixed bag

Yesterday and today have been mixed bags really.


Yesterday was going great. I had two pieces of brown bread with Philadelphia light on for lunch and then stopped eating. I then... unfortunately... started drinking. Cider. Sweet cider. Toffee apple flavour to be precise! I'm estimating that I had at least 4 bottles, I opened 5 but I think at least one of them got drunk by my BF/spilt on me/spilt on the floor/tipped away as I'd got a bit light headed. I also had a cherry bomb in the club we went to but I'm not going to count that. Then, in true drunken madness style, I went to a fish and chip shop at the end of the night and ordered chips, cheese and gravy. What can I say? It was a stressful evening out! Some guy tried to start on two of my flatmates which sent me off into a panic so I didn't really have a chance to relax and enjoy the evening as I should have. I can not stand fighting, especially not fighting just for the sake of it, which is what he was going for. Literally, no joke, he was totally unprovoked in trying to start on my friends. I don't trust people in clubs any more. So yeah.


Yesterday was going well until the drinking started. After that, I reckon I went from 250 calories for the day to over 1600. My daily goal on MyPlate is under 1200, my personal goal is under 800. I feel sickened at myself. I didn't eat all the chips - only about half - but they were a big portion and COVERED in cheese and gravy sauce. How I managed to get it down my throat without throwing up I don't know. Disgusting. 


Anyway. Today has been good. Spent the morning in bed with the boy, spent the afternoon in the kitchen. He cooked us a lunch of sausages in rolls with cheese, very nommy. I also had the rest of the spaghetti that I opened the other night with some cheese in it. I really need to stop eating cheese! And a cup of tea. Mmmm tea. That's me done for the day! MyPlate says I've consumed 869 calories from that lot but it seems awfully high? Mmm I dunno. Who knows! I haven't had a chance to do any exercise yet but I need to go through the cheer dance a few times and then I'll do my stretches etc. But first I need to finish my revision! Exam on Tuesday and I've only been through a fifth of the content so far. It should take my mind off of food and last nights events though so I don't mind. Plus I love my subject and the stuff that I'm revising so it's not too much of a hard ship! 


I have cheerleading 'try outs' tomorrow (note, as I'm UK based and at university, it's not as stressful or competitive as the American side of things) - basically to put us all on a competition squad if we're good enough. I hope I am. Tumbling and dancing I can do; the stunting scares me. Eep.


Keep on trucking:

Remember, remember

the fifth of November, 
gun powder, treason and plot.


I love this time of year. Time to wrap up warm, grab a nice hot cup of tea and bunker down. 

Turns out blogging is harder work than it seems

...As is staying on track. Sigh.

I blame the hormones; they are my excuse for the last week. I cut again. 70 days in recovery and I relapsed like a bitch. Horrible. At least three of them are definitely going to scar so that's going to suck! Oh well. Moving on.

Food wise I've been eating like a pig for the last week. Again, this is blatantly due to hormones. I always get hungry the week before my period arrives. Yay me! Double bloating. Sigh. Butttt generally I get 3 weeks out of 4 where I can control myself and either restrict or just not eat so it's all good :) Today I've done pretty well and stayed under 1000 calories, even having a can of Fanta (I normally only drink diet soft drinks; I have 5 cans of Fanta Fruit Twist left that are my 'rewards' today I've had one for not eating more than 600 calories).

A few rules:

I will no longer eat solid food between the hours of 6pm and 8am.

I will now only drink once a week. Clear spirits only.

I will no longer sit and eat an entire packet of chocolate fingers in half an hour.

I will only eat chocolate/crisps/sweets/anything not healthy when I cannot get out of it.

I will no longer buy the above.

I will do my stretches every day at some point.

Thinspo time: