Food porn

Made a malteaser cheesecake yesterday...

Filthy.

Some good food porn...

100 posts

I wish it was a more positive one.

My uni results:

"You will shortly receive a letter detailing your progression options."

Ominous, no? I failed two core modules (by 3 and 4%, respectively) and a 20 credit module. By 13%. Unacceptable. 

The options are; AFAIK - 

1) Leave university.

2) Resit year 1. 

3) Resit those three modules alongside my year 2 work.

4) Resit those modules/take a 'make up' test in August.

1) and 2) would break my heart. In the UK, you can only get 4 years of funding for a university course; unless you're doing dentistry, medicine, vet medicine or architecture. Technically, I'm on my 2nd year of funding due to going to uni in 2008 and dropping out. I would not get funding for a resit year and I can't afford to pay myself through. 3) would be hard work, and unlikely. 4) is what I have my fingers crossed for. 

Girls, word of advice. If you go to uni, work hard. Don't get pregnant. Don't lay under your duvet in the mornings because the 10 minute walk to your test is just too long. Don't get complacent. Stay on top of your work, and revise hard. Don't be me.

142lbs

WOOO!

Seems that spending three days eating very little with a stomach bug pays off. J/K :p

*Chants* "I will not pig out and put it on in a day again, I will not pig out and put it on in a day again"

I'm in an awesome mood (as I feel better, despite the fact that it came too late for me to go and see Hamlet tonight for FREE at the Globe :()

From here, no longer updated but has loads of lovely thinspo and reverse thinspo!

I hate having my plans messed with

I said to work yesterday that I could do a 9 - 6 tomorrow. No problem. Mid week, kids are still at school, Andy's at work, not a problem. They phoned me this morning and said I don't need to come in any more which is great because actually, it's Andy's day off tomorrow and we could do something! So I spent the day making plans, happy as anything, planned to have a few drinks tonight, wait for Andy, generally not worrying.

Got a phone call half an hour ago asking me back in tomorrow because they've made a mistake.

>.<'

I don't wanna goooooo :*(

Don't you know?

You're beautiful <3

Exercising

How do you guys do it? What routines do you have? Currently I do... nothing. I need to exercise!

I want to join the local gym but without a job, I can't afford it. And besides, if I'm going back to uni in two months (... if) then what's the point of paying a membership fee to have to cancel it soon?

I need to get some running trainers soon.

Silence

My apologies, I've been a bad blogger recently. A lot of stuff to do and a lot of stuff on my mind!

I haven't been running in like... two weeks, I still have no trainers but I should be able to order some new ones on Thursday so :) I'm also trying to psyche myself up to go swimming again, I haven't been since last August and I really miss it but a) I look freaking hideous in a swimming costume and b) last time I went, my scars weren't noticeable. Now I have many clearly visible ones on my arms and a few massive ones on my thighs. Sooo swimming with people I know is out, but swimming alone? I dunno. I don't think I can cope with the staring...

I've got a bit of an addiction to chorizo at the moment. It's weird. I literally need to eat like 4 slices a day or I get really bad cravings for it.

I've been job hunting, my current job has for some reason decided not to give me any more hours recently so I'm jumping ship. I wanted out of there anyway. (or at least that's what I'll keep telling myself)


I want/need to go on holiday. Bored with this place.

Food porn time:

Freshly made, best cookies I've ever made! Of course, there will be a full write up and recipe posted on my other blog, The White Cat Baker in a bit :)

Peace out guys, I hope this blog post finds you all well!

Lactose intolerance?

Last night I ate a shiteload of dairy on a bit of a binge - pepperoni pizza, stuffed crust, with extra cheese, a mug of milk, chocolate biscuits AND some yoghurt. So yeah, pretty much everything I ate was dairy orientated. I spent the night with awful stomach cramps and feeling so ill :( The only thing I can conclude is, since I felt ok this morning, it's something to do with the dairy.

I've been trying to keep dairy free today but most things I eat have it in there somewhere :S Is anyone lactose intolerant? What do you do about hot drinks?! And cheese? I love cheese. I can NOT live without cheese!

Worth noting as well that I've just been eating complete crap over the last fortnight. Feeeeeel like a pig :yy:

Mmm.

I just don't know any more.

Spoke with my BF last night about going back to the doctor... Given that he knows how much I hate therapy, all he said was 'I don't think I could cope with you on more of those crazy drugs'. I've only tried two (three? I forget) and the first one made me suicidal and the second turned me into a zombie then did nothing. But what can I do?

I'm not allowed to cut any more.
I don't want therapy.
My BF doesn't want me on drugs.
There's only so much I can control my food intake. (It is, regretably, becoming my new form of SH. And it's perfect for it, because no-one can tell.)
I'm off running until I get some decent trainers.

I have no coping strategies left. I can feel the pressure building up in my head and it's going to blow and then he's going to turn and run. We've been together 7 months and already he's sick of it.

Justfuckingsnapoutofitthen,dumbfatbitch.

Please excuse

the crappy new banner, I'm in the process of remodelling! I'm also going to try and get labels on all the posts. This will however take quite a while!

Thinspo (and a new start)

First off, I'm going to start trying this. I've calculated a daily calorie/water plan using this water calculator and this calorie calculator in order to try and be healthier as well as thinner! The calorie calculator says that this week, I should be eating:

Tuesday	1176	1200
Wednesday	1436	1400
Thursday	1197	1200
Friday	1176	1200
Saturday	1316	1300
Sunday	1197	1200

Skipped Monday as that's today! And I'll be rounding up/down. I need to drink 2.6 litres of water a day - this is going to be the hardest thing, I think. I really don't drink much :S I'm going to cut out fizzy drinks, and I'm now only going to drink water, coffee, tea and milk (semi-skimmed). Food wise, I have a few things that I will no longer eat, and a few that I really need to cut down on. Exercise is going to be AT LEAST 3 runs a week, for AT LEAST 30 minutes hard work and 15 minutes stretching (5 in the run, 10 after the run). Goal is to lose 14lbs (1 stone) by August... so not too quickly, but equally not too slowly! Then I want to maintain in September and then start losing again to try and get to my UGW of <128lbs.

Sorry, brain spew. Now, where was I? Oh yes, promised thinspo!

First, because I'm really missing cheerleading atm...

Credits: 

Google

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Tumblr

Xanga

Not my best I'm afraid, and the credits might be a bit off. My apologies <3

I genuinely don't get this...

Random rant ahead XD

I watch various TV shows about weightloss... Supersize vs. Superskinny (<3), Biggest Loser, Heavy.

Biggest Loser irks me. I watch it, because lets face it, seeing people lose weight is a massive motivator for me. And it's a bit of reverse thinspo! Overall, it's a decent program. But what annoys me is it's so contradictory! We all know very well that weight loss and weight gain is a simple equation - calories vs. exercise. They spend a lot of time impressing that the contestants should be exercising more than they do (I think I heard the trainer shout '4 HOURS A DAY!' in one program, which seems mightily excessive!). They do challenges and 'temptations'. This is the bit I don't get.

Temptations consist of sticking a nice, tasty treat in front of the contestants and telling them that if they find immunity, they can't be voted off that week no matter if they've gained weight. It also normally involves the contestants having to eat the nice tasty treat - or ten of them. The episode I just watched had 100 cupcakes laid out in formation, with 4 cupcakes containing a sheet of paper with immunity on. That makes 25 to 1 odds that you'll find the paper. The contestants had to eat as many cupcakes as they could in the time allowed to try and find the immunity. None of them found it... One guy ate 11 cupcakes. Then after the challenge they went back to the flat, and the personal trainers came in and shouted at them! What?!

I'm just an angry person atm. Thinspo post coming up next :)

My life never runs smoothly...

Eurgh. Argh. Fuck it all. I hate this :(

My day yesterday...

Got up after three hours sleep. Felt so ill on the train from low blood sugar due to not eating day before. Had to break fast to avoid throwing up stomach bile. Stuffed face with sugar.

Looking at houses started well, hit a peak and then crashed magnificently. First house was amazing, I really want it. But I won't find out until next week. Second house was nice but realistically, I'm never going to walk 45 minutes straight to go to cheerleading in the middle of winter so it's kinda out... Third was a fucking slum. No point me even looking. Stuffed face with a steak dinner.

Went to see X-Men. Stuffed face with food. Got depressed when told that first house is going to wait til next week to decide on who they want and that second house needs a reply by (today). Sulked a little. Has a massive, fuck off, pretty sure everyone who still lived here in Wales could hear, argument with Andy. Got told I'm selfish and the reason I'm fat is that I don't do anything, I'm lazy and I'm horrible to live with. Echoes of what my mum shouts at me in an argument (guess they must be true then?) Spend the night crying whilst shouting abuse at him before we curl up together exhausted and promising that we love each other. Not sure.

Wake up. Stuff face with food. Cry over housing situation. Cry over job situation - working tomorrow night with my ex for 12 FUCKING hours. Cry over fat situation whilst drinking another full fat milkshake. Cry over uselessness. Want for a hug but Andy is still asleep. Cry a little over that.

And I probably find out if I am still a uni student tonight after a three hour train journey. I better drink more, there will be tears...

Kickstart

Intake: 2 x white bread toast, lightly buttered (250 cal)
Pork Pate on both... another 150 cal
Many, many cups of coffee... 100 cal? (Yeah, seriously drank that many!)
2 squares of chocolate and a cheese string... 150 cal...

So 650?

Output: 30 minutes cycling... 100?
30 minutes alternate running/walking... I really don't know, 300?
Also did 3 hours waitressing at work so a bit more then I guess.

I think I'm making most of these values up :p (Sorry, I hate these posts but I'm trying to get my head around it all) However, I think I can afford myself a post workout snack!

Freewheeling

All I do is eat and eat and mope at the moment. I could blame it on the monthly, but tbh that's weak. I need to get my arse in gear and start exercising and eating better again. I look in the mirror and see a fucking hulking, fat, flabby body that's going to just get bigger if I don't do anything soon.

Shameless plug

http://whitecatbaker.blogspot.com/

Please visit and sub. The address has changed; I had to make a new blogger account as I don't want it linked to this one. Thanks x

As promised

A thinspo post! First though I want to give you a sneak peek of my new blog - baked goods! I know it's a little contradictory but at the end of the day everyone loves cake!

Lemon drizzle cake - Check it out here

Now onto the promised thinspo :)

www.lookbook.nu

www.weheartit.com

http://passionforglamour.tumblr.com/post/6103356146

http://alynta.tumblr.com/post/6098805282

http://hugsandnicoles.tumblr.com/page/11

http://atomic-anna.blogspot.com/

http://thoselittlestuffs.tumblr.com/

http://fashionised.tumblr.com/page/2

Apologies if the credits aren't quite correct, I'm in a bit of a rush! Can you see that I currently have a bit of an obsession with light, lacy outfits? :)

Wanna know my story?

Long arse post again! Next post I PROMISE will be a thinspo post. Swear.

Wrote this up for a depression guide on a forum that I use, to help others who are suffering. It's just my history of depression and life over the last 5 years, really.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was 16. Looking back, I can see that it probably started a lot earlier, but the first time I was aware of it was when I had a massive argument with my parents. I was so frustrated and angry the only thing that I could think of to do to calm myself down was scratching my arm with a pin. The mood swings were blamed on hormones and being a teenager, but now I recognise that they were probably the result of a mild depression.

I moved through the next two years occasionally harming myself superficially, but generally managing – even though I was rarely motivated to do my A level work or to take care of myself, being overweight and rarely bothering to shower or even brush my hair before school. I failed my A levels but got offered a place at university to study a subject that I just wasn’t interested in. Not wanting to lose face and admit that I was unsure about what to do with my university place, I took it and lived at the university for 5 months. It soon became apparent that university would only exacerbate my personality disorder. In halls I had no stability and quickly fell out with my flatmates, stopped eating properly (I lost nearly a stone and a half between September and Christmas) and was ill all the time. Self-harming was no longer a tool of frustration, it was an addiction and I was cutting every day. I started to think that I would be better off dead, as it would be less hassle. When I came home at Christmas I told my parents I could no longer carry on there but they persuaded me to try a few more months to see if it was just homesickness. I called them at the end of January and told them I was coming home, whether they liked it or not, and in February I left university.

When I got back home, for a while I was ok. I was back with my friends, my family and I felt secure. The self-harming cycle I was gripped in at university was broken and I was starting to think about my future. I got a job in a hospital as an health care assistant which I enjoyed initially; unfortunately we had a lot of suicide patients on my ward and other patients with mental health problems which triggered my depression and urge to hurt myself again. I told a friend about it, and he took me to my GP surgery. Whilst there, she looked at me like I was insane and just gave me a questionnaire to do at home – and told me to come back in two weeks. We did the questionnaire immediately in the car park. I scored something like 19 out of 22 – anything over 15 is considered depressed, with 22 being near suicidal and in need of urgent help. Still, I refused to go back to the doctor. I eventually quit my job in the hospital as being around people who were also depressed was bringing me down and I was starting to feel suicidal again. Instead, I returned to college.

A few weeks after I started at college I got a new job in a nightclub and found that I actually started to enjoy working. College was going great, work was fun, I had a purpose and started to think about pursuing my dreams that had been put on the back burner when I failed my A levels. I still self-harmed, but now there was no reason for it other than I craved it. I started to be more secretive about my body and slowly came to terms with the idea that I’d never have a boyfriend or anyone who would want to be near me in a relationship. The year past largely without incident, I got my head down and got into a university that I wanted to go to and made sure I did my work. In February the nightclub where I worked went into administration and in May I was given a job in a pub, working with some of the people I worked with in the nightclub which was great as I kept my friends. The worst thing in my life then was that my Dad was working away from May to September, however he was often away from home and whilst I was worried about him, it was not a massive trigger for me.

Around this time I started to get closer to one of the guys I worked with. We went out on a couple of dates and by June we were going out (albeit unofficially). I still self-harmed which causes many problems between us, as he had also suffered from depression as a teenager. On June the 22^nd last year I found out one of my school friends had died suddenly. When I turned to him for comfort, he pushed me away and a couple of days later, he dumped me. I felt totally alone and lost, and unable to think clearly, drank a bottle of wine and downed two packets of pills in my first suicide attempt. Desperate and in pain, I phoned him for help and he took me to A+E and sat with me all night. My parents don’t know about that night, and I’ll never tell them. Whilst in hospital, I was given activated charcoal and spent the evening throwing up. In the morning before I was discharged the Crisis Team’s psychologist was sent to see me and I blagged to her that everything was ok, it was just a result of the break up and college stress and that  I was just a stupid teenager.

In July I went to my friend’s funeral, and made the decision to stay away from my ex as much as I could. I wasn’t coping very well and went back to the GP, where she put me on medication called Citalopram. Citalopram is an SSRI that’s not commonly used in under 18s as it can increase suicidal ideations and attempts. The initial low dosage didn’t help me at all, so it got doubled at the start of August. A week later, on a rainy day when my Mum was away, I experienced something I hope I never experience again. That morning, I woke up, and I knew that I wasn’t going to be alive the next day. I showered, got dressed into clean clothes, tidied my bedroom, tidied the house and then wrote my family a note. I told them that it wasn’t their fault, that they should forget about me and that they would be better off without me. I left out a few things like a necklace and a ring which I wanted my friends to have, and wrote them individual notes too thanking them for their friendship. I got a bottle of alcohol and raided the medicine cabinet for what I could find. Unsatisfied with what I had, I took my Dad’s migraine medication – all three months of it. I also took two kitchen knives with me. I took the pills and the alcohol and walked to a local park, where I downed as much of the pills as I could with the alcohol (even though I threw most of them up later on) and cut my wrists with the knives. Walkers passed me by and paid me no attention, all apart from one little black dog who kept licking my hands and face. His owner called him away rather than coming over to fetch him; which I’m glad for. I’m happy no-one saw me like that in that park.

Why am I still here? Well, I left a message on here saying what I intended to do. Somehow, this got relayed to one of my friends, and soon my best friends were informed. As I had turned my phone off, they tried to come round the house and when they got no answer, they phoned the police. Luckily, my next door neighbour has a house key otherwise I’d be paying for a new front door! When they found only suicide notes inside, they started to look for me in the town we live in. Eventually one of them found me, and I was taken to hospital. My family were called and my Dad was given leave to come home and be with me. In hospital I was put on a drip and given another psychological assessment. As it was so close to me going to university, I had to convince them that I was psychologically sound and that I wouldn’t attempt it again. Once they were happy, I was transferred to a ward to spend the next two days whilst the drip worked and they checked I hadn’t damaged my liver. The ward I was on? The old ward that I used to work on. I was recognised by the nurse who was looking after me. Whilst I was closer to 20 when I took the medication, it would appear that it caused the suicidal episode and so that medication has been written off for me completely!

In order to go to university, I promised my parents that I would get help, and that I would attend a depression day centre until I went. The centre was based around group therapy and helping patients to understand their minds and to resist self-harming/suicide/other bad actions. Whilst I found it hard to deal with, and not massively helpful, it occupied me and I did learn from it. When I got to university, I immediately talked to my new GP and we decided to go down the route of counselling (free with the university service). I went for a few weeks but overall found it more damaging than helpful and didn’t go after the third week. Over the next few months I cycled up and down, and during my biggest down period I met my current boyfriend. I was self-harming and drinking on my own, and he made me go back to the doctors and counselling. When I went back, I got put on Sertraline, another SSRI but one without the pesky little side effect of suicidal intent. It did, however, turn me into a zombie for the first week of taking it. After the teething problems were sorted, it seemed to work for a bit though. I went cold turkey off it in January (really, really dumb) and haven’t been on drugs since. They just don’t seem to work on me.

In March life threw me another curve ball. I found out I was pregnant. As I was throwing up twice every morning and slept for 16 hours a day, it wasn’t hard to figure out, but still came as a shock. We talked about it and whilst my boyfriend would have been happy to keep it, I decided that it was too much of a risk with my depression (especially as my mood had dropped dramatically in the last few weeks) and that neither of us were ready. The pregnancy was terminated late March and I’m still trying to get my head around it – I *should* be in my second trimester now. But if I had kept it, I would have had to give up my university course, my job, my boyfriend would’ve had to get a dead end job he hated to pay for us, we would be living totally different lives. I’m certain I’ll get married and have children in the future, I’m just not ready now. I still struggled with self-harm and drinking and in April my boyfriend laid down an ultimatum = make a serious attempt at stopping or he’d break up with me. So I threw away my blades and haven’t looked back.

It’s been 2 months, I think, since I last self-harmed and the scars are still bright red and raised. I can’t go swimming because they’re all over my legs and arms and look awful. I can’t wear pretty dresses and I can’t even wear a strap top in my own home. Mood wise, since finishing first year of university and moving back home, I’ve become happier and more complacent. For now, everything is going ok. I still have my own demons to deal with and I’m certain they’ll raise their ugly heads in the future but for now, I’m happy. I still have bad days, I find out soon whether I’ve passed first year or not because I didn’t do a lot of the work due to lack of motivation and concentration, but I’m loving where I am in life. I love my degree, I love my job, I love my boyfriend and my family. 

Eehhh.

Bad Merla :o This might be long and boring...

In my defence, I've been really busy over the last few weeks with my 21st, exams, finishing first year of uni etc. and finishing cheerleading for the season (random note related to that coming up later). The last post was, unsurprisingly, not put into action. Bad me on all accounts. One for posting it, two for even considering it. Food is essential, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway!

Cheerleading random note - I think I've injured my wrist quite considerably. I think I did it at gymnastics actually, as it didn't hurt on Sunday when we had our mess around session (which was AWESOME - 3 tier pyramids, helicopter stunts, swings and single basing were the order of the day!) but when I swivel it, if you get what I mean, it really hurts down the back on my thumb to the bottom of my wrist. Intriguing. Trying to do a crab/kick over off my couch last night probably didn't help... Another random thing is, that hopefully I'm going to be designing the new webpage for my squad! Currently our webpage is this: http://www.myfyrwyrbangor.com/cheerleaders/bangor.html
Once I've got the passwords etc. to change it, I'll be on that! If not then I'll probably make it on a freewebs site and redact people over.

My 21st was awesome :) Came home Wednesday after my final exam (which went REALLY well!) and had a lovely evening with my family and BF, then Thursday I had a small lie in and opened my presents with a lovely cup of tea. I got, amongst other things, lots of cake decorating stuff, some DVDs, some clothes, a couple of recipe books and a place on a cake decorating course! It's only 3 days but we're going to go (my Mum is coming with as she likes crafty things too) and learn how to do basic flowers, like lilies, honeysuckle and roses. It's the initial entry course that allows you to do other more complicated sugarcraft courses :D And I am excited! Just hoping that work don't screw me over, though tbh I'm also hoping to be in a different job by then, as it's at the end of June. We spent the day walking around an aircraft museum which was great fun, and had a lovely meal out in the evening. Friday night I went out with my friends and got merry :p and then Sunday we had a family party. So it's been quite busy!

Still have nowhere to live next year for uni. It's quite frustrating - 90% of people who are advertising flats just don't bother replying to me. The trouble with my uni town is that there's not a large amount of good reliable student estate agents, it's a lot of private landlords so there's no real 'home' for all the houses or even somewhere you can search for them. A gap in the market maybe?

I really need to start exercising - I'm going to go even flobbier if I just stay inactive this summer! Looking at the pictures from my night out on Friday it looks like I've gained about a stone... Sigh. I would love to join a gym but the problem is there's only two in my town and one is massively expensive and the other is the gym my ex frequents and is tiny so there's a lot of potential for embarrassing run ins, besides, I have very little wish to see him again any time soon (another reason I need a new job before July!). I might try the couch to 5k/10k running program (even though I hate running and it hurts my legs!) as I can't swim any more :( I like riding my bike but it doesn't feel like exercise even when I ride it for hours? I was going to learn gymnastics this summer but it's expensive and again the job problem crops up again. I'll figure something out.

I know this might not interest you all but I'm going to start a new baking blog, and hot link it off of this one. You don't have to read it, it'll be a lot like this blog - rambling and largely uninteresting! But it's somewhere I can keep track of a) recipes I've made and b) recipes I want to make. I'll link it in another post when it's made!

Life sucks.

Fuck it. I'm not eating anything else any more and I don't give a shit about the consequences.

I suck at updating

Sorry. Not much has been happening really... Moved back home from uni (well, almost) and I've got a few more assignments to complete before Tuesday... eeeeeek... My BF now lives with me.

Last cheerleading comp. did not go well, we came last and messed up really badly. Our co-ed team were 10 points off of 4th place and a trophy though, they did really well! I'm starting gymnastics next weekend hopefully so I can learn more tumbling and be a better cheerleading.

Weight wise I'm still stuck at between 146lbs and 142lbs, I can never seem to get below 140lbs :( I hope that once I've got my assignments handed in and my exam at the end of May done I can crack down and get some weight shifted. I get so frustrated with my body, not just weight wise but also the scars. I have a beautiful dress that I want to wear for my BFs Dads re-marriage on Sunday but I can't because my arms are still scarred and horrible from the last time I S/Ied. :(

I am currently...

Furiously applying for jobs. Anything that means I don't have to work with my douchebag of an ex all summer.

Looks like the boy might be coming to stay with us for a bit, as his mum hates him!

I don't blog as much as I used to

I dunno, I just feel like I'm a wannabe. Someone said to me the other day that I seem to parade my 'depression' around as a badge and all I want is attention. I say depression in inverted commas because they made it clear they thought I was nothing but an attention seeking and that I don't have any mental problems. I don't know how right they are?

Miranda Kerr

Isn't she just stunning? I mean, all the Angels are beautiful, but she's something else.

I don't normally 'like' models, as they always seem glum but she has such a sunny face! And she's married to Orlando Bloom... Lucky lady!

Doubts...

It's a horrible topic and I feel awful for writing this but right now I'm really starting to doubt being with my boyfriend. I love him, being with him makes me so happy and talking to him is the highlight of my day but sometimes... Idk. He tells me that he wants me to talk to him about everything I think about (cutting/depression wise) but then gets stressed with me when I do? I've said since it seems to upset or frustrate him then it'd be better if I just suffer in silence because right now recovery from self harm isn't going to happen. It's a coping mechanism that I've been using for nearly 5 years and so far the only thing that has changed is the fact that I have someone who loves my unconditionally which is starting to quell the suicidal thoughts but won't change the self harming tendencies. I know it hurts him that I don't respect myself enough to look after myself and not hurt myself but I know that eventually it'll stop. I'm just not strong enough to do it alone and when he gets stressed at me for talking about it I get more stressed out and want to do it more.

Like I said to him yesterday, I'm not a simple person to understand, and I don't even want him to understand it; I just want him to listen to me and not judge me for it. I know he doesn't mean it but it's hard to remember that at the time.

Youtube

I've made a youtube account/linked my blogger with a youtube of the same name tonight. (complexityreworked) I'm now busy watching thinspo and subbing to videos!

I'm back at home for a few days, I really don't know how I feel about this. I have no control here, and get really stressed all the time. But my flat currently makes me want to cry and hurt myself. I don't eat when I'm at uni any more if I don't have to.

Over 5100 calories...

I fail at life today.

Yes.

Over 5100 calories consumed.

I don't deserve to be here.

Momentum

I seem to have garnered a burst of motivation and energy so I'm trying to take advantage of it and keep things moving.

Texted flatmate about moving out of the new house today, her reply was (honestly, this is straight from my phone) 'OK, I'll phone the landlord and tell XXX he can definitely have your room' - Nice to see she's been planning ahead, eh?! I've got a viewing for what seems to be a nice house tomorrow afternoon, I'll report back. I'm not going to rush into anything yet though, as I am not 100% certain what the deal is with my old house and getting my deposit back and I know for a fact that spare rooms come up all the time.

Got half my assignment done, I'm slaving over it atm as well! My reward for doing an hours solid work from now until quarter past 7 is to watch Cool Runnings... I have yet to see it and I hear people raving about it so I agreed.

Food wise I'm doing ok, it helps that I have no money and am going home on Thursday as it means I can't buy anything! Today I had a bowl of cheerios (1 cup, with half a cup of milk - next time it'll be quarter of a cup as it was too much milk), a lettuce and pepper salad with a mini pork pie and a bourbon and for tea a few spoons of cous cous and another pork pie. The cous cous was rank, which is why I didn't eat much of it! I'm debating whether or not to have something else later on. We'll see.

And exciting news... Yesterday at gymnastics there was a full stunt team, minus a flyer, so we took it in turns to fly. I can honestly say now that I no longer harbour dreams of being a flyer, I'm more than happy to keep my feet on the ground! It's so high up and so unstable!

Mmmm, life

It's complicated, isn't it?

Worked out today that if I don't pull my arse into gear and get the rest of my assignments done, I will be kicked off of my uni course. It's just so hard to find the motivation...

I never said it on here because I didn't really want to anger anyone with my decision but since it's long done now... Half the reason I've been such a mess this semester is that 4 weeks into term I got pregnant. The pregnancy was terminated about 10 days ago now... I'm still stuck in that horrible rut of wondering if it was the right thing. My boyfriend supported me and respected my decision... But now I almost wish he'd pushed harder for us to keep it. The timing is all wrong. Neither of us like kids. I was getting awful morning sickness and hating life even in the first few weeks. I'm almost 100% certain to suffer from post-natal depression. What could we have done?

My boyfriend pointed out to me last night when I was complaining about all the work that I have to do in order to just stay on my course, let alone get a decent mark, that there aren't many people who could cope with a massive life event (getting pregnant) + 'losing' a partner + being clinically depressed already. I'm now also trying to find a new place to live for the next year due to the bitch flatmate... I don't see any of it as an excuse... I don't see why it should be the only thing that stops me. I love my course, I love learning about psychology and all the things that come with it, apart from Statistics. What can I do? Go home in the summer and say 'Sorry Mum, sorry Dad, I've failed again. Yeah, it wasn't entirely my fault...'? That's not good enough. I'm just a failure then. I'll always be a failure.

Shame I have no fight left in me. I'll do my best to get the rest of my work done, but I honestly don't know if I'll be allowed back next year. And that upsets me greatly.

Today didn't go massively well. I overslept. Then I realised I have no money for buying shopping. So I spent £12 anyway. I didn't get any of my essay done, it was too late to phone anyone by the time I got back and I haven't got my hands on the contract for our current house yet.

And bitch-flatmate has got about 10 people round and they're in my kitchen (I hate having people I don't know in my flat :o) and now I can't get anything decent to eat. I am SO hungry. Meal plan has kind of worked but needs tweaking to include an extra meal as I am starving. I've done enough exercise to balance it out today if I could just get into the kitchen.

So here's the plan

Tomorrow I'm going to get up, hopefully about 10am, and shower, get changed and eat my breakfast. I'm going to meander down town about 12 o clock, pick up the shopping I need to get, and come home for about half past 1 at which point I'll eat my lunch. Then I'll get onto phoning some of the landlords around my university town and see whether there are any decent houses with one bedroom spare that I can move into next year. I want a house that is:
- In the upper part of town (ideally, though I'm willing to compromise),
- Cheaper than my 'old' house and my current accomodation, so less than £85 a week
- In a decent area, and in a decent state
- Ideally double bedded, if not then room for a queen bed
- Minimum of 1 bathroom per 3 people
- Not occupied by nutcases who call my boyfriend a 'fat ugly control freak wierdo' and me a slag

And then I'll get on with some work, maybe write some of my essay, eat my tea, tidy my room and list some things on Amazon. Then I'll watch some TV, do some washing and get a nice early night.

Ahhh, we'll see if it works out that way!

I've written up a meal plan for tomorrow and Sunday, so we'll also see if I can stick to it...

This flat

Is driving me insane.

Apparently I can't 'take a joke' and shouldn't 'make banter if I don't want to carry it on'.

Well FUCKTARD. I never started your 'joke' and I never asked for the 'banter' that you seem to use to justify treating me like shit, so fucking jog on. Can't wait until I get out of here.

Versatile

Many thanks to CB for nominating me. <3 Luffs ya!

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

1) I surround myself with things to give myself security. The difference between my room in halls and my boyfriends (old, now he's moved out) room was vast - we both have posters and post its up but I have a notice board full of letters, random notes, my bookcase is crammed with books I'll never even take off of it and DVDs I've only watched once but I still keep for 'just in case' days. I like the clutter but some days it drives me insane!

2) More so to this, I have far too many pairs of shoes. Here at uni, I have 18 pairs. Not including the 3 pairs that I was forced to throw out this weekend as they'd reached a state of total annihilation. They live in a box under my bed....

Out of all of these shoes, I only really wear the top line (boots, trainers, hiking boots, trainers) as the rest either rub my heels or have no grip left on the bottom. Back at home I have another 20+ pairs...

3) I love jewellery - necklaces in particular - and have a section on my noticeboard devoted to them, but I rarely wear them. 

My two most treasured items are jewellery. The first is a necklace I bought with money from my Grandads will when I was 14 and the second is the bracelet Andy gave me for Christmas. I hardly ever wear them as I'm so scared of losing or breaking them! Neither are worth a massive amount (<£150 each) but they've got huge sentimental value.

4) I moan a lot on here about how much I hate the stats part of my course but I find nothing more satisfying than knowing that I have xxx amount of reading to do and then just ploughing through it. It's what I'm meant to be doing at the moment actually... Oh well. 

5) I get distracted really easily and often forget to finish writing or send a text message... I've done this twice today. Poor Andy... He always gets messages late :p I just get so caught up in the moment that I forget to finish what I was doing in the first place! I'm the same with projects and things, I want to dive right in at the beginning when it's all new and exciting but then when it gets down to the hard work and I realise that my initial work was rushed and shoddy I get fed up and abandon it.

6) Sometimes I get hungry for a good old riot. I want to get drunk, go out and start smashing things. I don't drink for a number of reasons but this is one... Though I think I could probably do it without even getting drunk sometimes. Pressure just builds up and I need a release, you know? Scary.

7) I really, really, intensely dislike the number 7. It's like the girl that no-one wants at the party because she's a bitch and everything she says is a put down but no-one can uninvite her because if they do, she'll just verbally attack them for it and then uninvite them from the party. It's rude, callous and this rubs off on 8. 8's a bully too but only a side kick to 7, even though he's bigger and does the more physical bullying. Yep.

Only 6 people who need to reblog this as most of my active followers have already done it!

1) Purity and Perfection

2) Mich

3) Elara

4) Vampire

5) RHB

6) Kristina

It's been

*5 hours since I last self harmed
*10 minutes since I last ate
*22 hours since I last slept
*30 minutes since I last spoke to my boyfriend
*1 hour since I last tried to do some uni work
*3 hours since I last cried
*16 hours since I last considered suicide
*8 hours since I last smiled
*14 hours since I last exercised
*5 minutes since I last had a drink (water!)
*1 minute since I last considered the future

Love Actually

That is all 

<3

...

Sorry about the last post. It was a better idea than the alternative!

I'm thinking of starting to do video blog updates, would anyone be interested in watching them? x

Tonight, boys and girls,

my method of self-destruction will be eating everything in sight.

- Half a large garlic bread pizza
- Two lion bars
- 80g of cashews
- Half a box of After Eights
- Large bag of Walkers crisps
- Thorntons chocolates
- Half a bag of Percy Piglets

R-e-t-a-r-d-e-d.

Confusion

Eurgh, I just hate days like these.

As you may have noticed, I have a very short attention span and tend to flick between dream to dream. So far, jobs I have wanted, quite seriously, to undertake include and are not limited to:

- Paramedic
- Nurse
  - Childrens nurse
  - A+E nursing
- Clinical psychologist
- Eating disorders counsellor
- Therapist
- Horse trainer
- Horse rescue owner
- Horse dealer
- Office worker
- Tesco worker (I kid you not. There are months in my life where I just want to work checkouts, 9 to 5, part time for minimum wage)
- Bar owner
- Club promoter
- Cupcake store owner
- TV chef
- Police officer (a very long running one, I wanted to be a cop from the age of 10 to 16)
   - Mounted police officer
   - Dog squad officer
- Social worker
- Architect
- Teacher
- Photographer
- Vet
- Vet nurse
- Receptionist
- Banker

Pretty much all I can remember off the top of my head. Apart from about four of them, ALL have been crazes within the last... 4 to 5 years? I'm nearly 21 now. So since the age of 16/17, I have gone from wanting to do one thing only - police officer, which I eventually decided against after talking to a few family members who are cops and finding out what it's really like - to wanting to do EVERYTHING.

One thing you may notice is that nearly all of them are very people or care focused. The trouble is I'm far too flitty to do something that requires deep concentration or commitment, and yet I'm too focused on doing good and changing the world not to. I just want to have a job where I'm happy, I'm not bogged down by work constantly and I can earn enough to give my (future) husband and kids a decent life. Too much to ask for :(

All this has come about mainly because I'm failing my current university course. I'm a psychology student. I am getting above 60% in nearly all of my psychology modules, but in the one and only compulsory you-must-pass-to-continue-the-course module, I'm failing. And I'm failing miserably. What module is it?

Statistics. I am awful at maths.

Escape

I want to get out of here. I have no money, and commitments, but it's driving me crazy being stuck in one place. If I could afford it I'd get on a train to the nearest airport and take the cheapest flight I could find and stay there until my money ran out.

Tracking calories/food

I use Livestrong, if anyone's interested, I'll try and track on there rather than post in here what my totals are for the day.

This is me :)

Thinspo

Because it's lovely and sunny here today (though still really cold!) I'm going to do a summer thinspo post. As always, links and credits at the end :)

Summer, the time for the red carpet!

This one goes to my wonderful, resistant, amazing boyfriend:

Links

Dollys Thinspo Photobucket

The Skinny Website

Maybe---Someday-90

Anastasia S, Lookbook

Flickr Thinspo

Tumblr Thinspo

Hope you enjoyed :)

Making my own stuff

I'm on a proper little cookery binge atm!

Today I made butternut squash and potato soup (nommmm! so yummy, and it's literally just cooked veg and stock so no nasties!) and crab stick pasta salad, tomorrow I'm making bread and I plan on making cakes at the weekend! I love cooking :) It's so rewarding! I now have dinner and lunch prepared for the next two days, I'm picking up some sausages tomorrow to make a sausage casserole with :) I find the hardest meal of the day for me is breakfast as I wake up and feel so groggy and horrible I never want food.

Food intake today has not been too bad, no breakfast as I woke up late :o, but I had two chocolate fingers with a cup of tea (was going to have four - the RDA but I came to the last two and went 'NO!' :D), lunch was a mash potato snack pot thing, and dinner was a massive bowl of home made soup with two pitta bread. I'm soooo tempted though to go and get either more soup or a jacket potato!

Thinspo post coming up later tonight guys and girls :)

Random dream musings

First off, I'm still in Manchester, heading back tomorrow :(

Secondly, I want this outfit, and this body; essentially I want to be her:

I think I'd change the shoes though? Mmm.

Thirdly... I've been thinking about my future a lot. Generally I flit from idea to idea, little fantasies that I'd love to do and be and never really settle on one. Eating disorders counsellor (most certainly OUT!), neuropsychologist, animal rescue owner, and the current one... cake shop owner. I'd love a little cake shop, selling cupcakes mainly, like a coffee shop but the main focus is cakes :)

I'd sell every kind - Rainbow cupcakes (maybe a low sugar version for kids/dieters?), rocky road cupcakes, plain cupcakes with beautiful icing, chocolate, vanilla, coconut, almond, orange and lemon... Everything. Do weddings (cupcakes only) and even mini-cakes for two or three people to share in store, over a cup of coffee. We have a lot of shops like that in London at the moment, it's very on trend however they're always tiny and only have two or three tables; I'd love to have one that could seat at least 20 people so that everyone could hang out there. We could sell cake decorating stuff or even have a few special days where we could sell un-iced vanilla and chocolate cupcakes and then people pay a little bit extra, but out on the tables we put icing bags and pots of decorations and people self decorate. 

I'm fed up waiting for my life to begin.

Check it out

http://hubpages.com/profile/takhana

Please?

Eurgh

950 calories consumed today. Disgusting.

I'm going to Manchester for a few days tomorrow so I'll be pretty quiet, have a good weekend guys x