Randomness

I made this for my tea...

It's a breaded cod fillet and a salad, which had lettuce, beef tomato <3, cucumber, green pepper </3, feta, mini pickled beetroot, mixed seeds and mini pickled onions in. Served with apple cider vinegar and a splash of honey and mustard dressing (bad I know, but it's lush!). I make salads like this a lot; I always put the lettuce in first, then the cucumber, pepper and tomato, then the beetroots and onions, then (if I'm using it) the mushrooms or avocados, and finally the feta + seeds go on top before I drizzle the two dressings on. And then I toss it so it all gets mixed up anyway! It annoys me if things don't on in their specific order. I don't like green peppers in my salad - I only like frying/cooking them - but I had no red or orange ones left! I aim for as much colour as possible.

What annoys me equally as much is when my plate isn't orientated right, I can't tell you how it has to be as it changes for every dish but if it's not I'll sit there and spin the plate until it's correct... 

I also have to have my hair tied back and a glass of drink beside me before I start eating! The drink can't be hot like tea or coffee unless it's a really cold meal; I can't stand hot tea in my mouth and then hot food! I love the antithesis between hot food and cold drink. Normally I have water or squash, I don't drink milk with my main meals, but will if it's something sweet like a cake or a Pop Tart. I don't really care much for breakfast, though I did go through a three week phase during January where I had breakfast every morning and was making things like this:

Two perfectly boiled eggs on very (old) crispy pitta bread. The pittas weren't that good but the eggs were perfect! I can't eat eggs if they're hard boiled, the yolk *has* to be runny, and I'll even put up with a bit of runny white if it means the yolk is perfect. 

I rarely eat jacket potatoes anywhere other than at home because I only like them the way I make them. The skin has to crispy so it clashes with the hot and soft inside! I microwave mine until they're soft through and then cover them in oil and salt/herbs/worcester sauce/whatever and bang them in the oven for ten minutes. Perfection. 

And just done an hour in the gym, 450 calories off, todays total is 400 net! Yessss! 

Not really much of a point to this post, tbh!

Interesting article

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1359713/London-Fashion-Week-2011-Skeletal-models-super-sized-hypocrisy.html

How thin is too thin?

Another ditch in the road

Diet is not going well. Had some pretty earth shattering, potentially life changing news earlier today. So I've stuffed myself full of carbs.

One size fits all

Actually means 'One size fits all, as long as you're a size 10'

Got my ASOS clearance sale stuff through today.

The pansy tee is see-through and MASSIVE, and the lace leggings don't fit, despite being 'one size fits all'. Keeping the other two though!

Not bad

Hit 450 calories today, over my allowance but not by much! And did two hours of Gymnastics so :)

SGD

Starting on the skinny girl diet tomorrow, hope I complete it!

Ahaha, apparently standards in Wales are dropping.

I have a flatmate who hates people bitching about her - when we started in Freshers Week her opening statement was 'I don't like people who don't say things to your face'. About a month ago she had a massive blazing argument with me because apparently I was bitching behind her back to people. Partly true as I was discussing her inability to be flexible with our new house for the next semester with my boyfriend - but with him only. I don't see that as bitching as I was stating facts and wasn't spreading anything around, right? Maybe wrong but he's my confidante and I tell him everything, so whatever.

Last night she decided to bitch to my BFs best friend about how he treats me. Apparently he's 'lazy, mean to (me), abusive, a complete twat'. He's none of these things. We have a laugh and mess around and have our own injokes which often focus on beating each other up - it's not serious, it's play fighting.

She's also the girl who has decided that my BF is no good for me and causes all the trouble in the post three entries under this one. Yep.

Isn't it funny how two faced people can be? Oh, and her relationship with her boyfriend is on the rocks... They fight constantly, she bosses him around and he follows her like a puppy... People in glass houses ;)

Inspired

Well, not going to lie, the cheerleading competition didn't go well. We came 6th out of 7 and Co-Ed had an injury in the warm up arena meaning they got last place... Oh well. We knew we were nowhere near the standard needed to win and now we're all pumped for April! We have a LOT to work on. Half the squad can't tumble properly, our stunts are lack lustre, we have NO attitude and our dances are very simple and look crap half the time.

The biggest differences I noticed though between us and the other teams was that a) most of them are from big universities, and have teams of 25+ - we scrape the 20 person mark when no-one's injured and b) a lot of them keep the same squad year after year and therefore start practicing and choreographing their routines from September when they return after summer holidays. We started practicing and learning our routine in November/December, so in terms of time difference, we're about three months behind them in practice time.

I'm uploading a video of the routine to FaceBook for my coaches to view but tbh I'm very reluctant to release it into the public domain via YouTube as I'm so aware how poor it really is! Maybe comment if you'd like to see it and I'll share the link with you. I do have some other videos of other teams stunting which is pretty cool though so I'll put them on my new YouTube channel - TheBangorDragon

The inspired title? Well, one team competing there yesterday was called Unity. They're the equivalent of a Varsity team I think? They all used to be university cheerleaders/gymnasts - or pretty much all of them did - and then they were hand picked from the entire country to form the super group. They. Are. AMAZING. Here's their stunt routine from two years ago; bearing in mind they were so much better than this yesterday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXfd6tBzees

In other news, I've been feeling really sick recently. My boyfriend has been staying and he's been down with a heavy cold over the last few weeks which is finally getting better so hopefully it's just that. I'm planning to start pom dance on Tuesdays now I no longer cheer at basketball games. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym after my 11am lecture and going to do some serious working out, I need to be fitter, thinner and have more muscle by April so I can really put the stunts up and hold them there.

Favourite picture from yesterday:

Enough of the negative!

Bloody hormones ;p

Here's a lovely thinspo post for you all as I can't sleep (flat arguments, more in the next post!). Oh and apparently my broken scales say that I'm 10stone dead now... Woo. The first thing my Dad said when I saw him at the weekend was 'you've lost weight...' - Shame I look and am heavier than normal, right?

I saw a girl walking around my uni town today who had legs skinnier than the girl immediately below. Too thin I think.... Beautiful though. Absolutely stunning, I couldn't take my eyes off of her!

Not really thinspo, but how I feel and why I continually lie through my teeth about all things weight/food related:

Credits: (in order)

http://thinspox.tumblr.com/

http://neverskinnyenoughx.tumblr.com/

http://nearperfection.tumblr.com/

http://becomingtiny.tumblr.com/

http://www.skinnygossip.com

http://voguethinspo----x.xanga.com

http://veritas--x.xanga.com

http://college.cheerleader.com

Peace out x

This is driving me crazy

First off, happy V day!


Now, down to the nitty gritty.


My boyfriend and my hall mates really don't get along. We've been together since the start of November and we're totally in love - no doubts there.

Before he left uni, he never really saw eye to eye with my flatmates, he's quite protective of me and because of my passive nature sees that they tend to take me for granted a lot, which leads to tension when he tries to get involved and sort problems out which don't need sorting in my eyes! I've spoken to him about it and he's agreed not to get involved unless I ask him in the future. However my flatmates can't seem to let it go... 

There was another incident, a few weeks after we started going out, basically he cheated on me (not sexually) and I decided to give him another chance for many reasons - my flatmates seem to disagree with this though. Bearing in mind it happened last November. I've forgiven him, why can't they? When he stays here he now refuses to leave my room and I have to really coax him out. He refuses to come out with me and my flat; he refuses to have anything to do with them. I get really annoyed with him for this; whilst I love seeing him, if I disappear into my room for three days and don't come out to the communal areas I get bitched at by my flatmates! On the one hand I can see his point as they are absolutely rotten to him - they ignore him or make thinly veiled sarcastic comments. On the other I'm living with them for the next year, maybe two at least! I see a very long term relationship with this guy, I don't want them tearing us apart, or there to always be an atmosphere when he's around.

A couple of weeks ago at a party two of my flatmates were incredibly rude to him out of nowhere and came and had a go at me about how he responded. I pulled him to one side and he got annoyed and left; five minutes later they were all in my room telling me to dump him. I told them to leave me to think and when he came round afterwards we sorted it out by talking about it and thinking it all through - came to the conclusion that it was just them stirring. 

When  he walked into the kitchen today, only one person out of the 7 of us (besides me) acknowledged him. He's a proud guy so he won't admit it but I know that it hurts to be treated like that. 

What am I meant to do? I can't tell my flatmates to piss off, and I refuse to lose him over something so petty, but it's tearing us apart slowly but surely :(

Just a Sunday

Cheerleading was intense today! Not helped by the fact that I didn't have time to eat properly before I went so only had half a bowl of soup and two bread rolls... Not great for two hours strenuous working out!

Been very good today, drank lots of water, and eaten:
1 Nectarine for breakfast
2 Rolls with half a bowl of tomato soup for lunch
1 bowl of home made veg. cous cous and 2 petit filous for dinner
And then two mini chocolate bars for a snack :)

Not too bad! Seeing my boyfriend tomorrow for Valentines day :D Well excited!

I'm making a mood board for my wall, all nice Thinspo and clothes that I want! I'll take some pictures when I'm done. Also...

It's not perfect, it's getting there though! I'm the left side base on the left extended liberty team (the flyer is standing on her right leg) - we had it perfect three times in a row before, and then we started to get tired! But it's good to know that one week before comp, we can get it perfect :)

So disappointed

Had two pieces of jam on toast for breakfast (luxury as I normally don't eat bread!)

Then a slice of cake with some tea.

Then.

Dear god.

Driving back from my friends 21st, to break up the two hour long journey, we stopped at McDonalds.

I had:

- Double cheeseburger (no gurkhin) 440 cals

- McChicken Sandwich 360 cals

- Ranch snack wrap 280 cals (?)

- 6 chicken nuggets 280 cals

- 2 pots of dip 100 cals.

Total: 1460 calories.

IN ONE GO.

Fail my FUCKING life.

Food is on my mind

All I do atm is eat. You can tell as well. My belly is getting bigger and I'm getting really weird cravings. Sigh :(

As promised

In the last post I promised I'd upload some pictures of myself.

So, here's a few of me in my cheer leading uniform, no proper pictures yet but there will be soon! Unfortunately it shows off my cellulite thighs something perfect but meh, I enjoy being a cheerleader so fuck it :) I went a little overboard with the pictures but I guess you guys might enjoy them!

Complete uniform pic coming when I have a decent one :)

Ignore the cheer smile! With my bow too (full comp outfit):

With the boy :):

Stuff for todays bake sale:

Cake I made for my flatmates birthday:

And the roses that my flatmate left outside my door yesterday! Aww! :) :

I used to have this on top of my shelf:

Lol! It's gone down a bit now... Well, I have one Rio and about 12 cans of coke left. I keep topping the coke up but you can only buy Rio in Costco, which you have to be a member of, so I have to wait until September to get my friend to buy me another crate! Sad times.

And finally, the salad I made yesterday, it was LUSH!

...

Ho hum

Back to loneliness I guess...

Sigh. Boyfriend moves away for good tomorrow. He was meant to be going at 7/8pm but is now going at midday. I'm heartbroken. I had planned to spend the morning helping him pack, then go cheerleading and spend the last few hours together. Now I'll have to help him pack and then go cheerleading and when I get back, he'll be gone and his room will be empty, holding only our memories.

:*(

It's time like this...

When I'm just thankful for what I have, and I get a few blissful weeks of not caring about what I look like or am eating. I say blissful, but in reality it's the only thing that's decent in my life right now. I'm sorry for not updating sooner - so much has been going on.

First off, thank you all for your well wishes and thoughts on my blog post of the 12th of January. Sadly, my friend's step dad passed away the next week. Unfortunately I haven't been able to get home to see her and I feel really guilty for that; but I'm at university 250 miles from home and just can't make the trip, especially as I now have more lectures, work and cheerleading practice. She's been an amazingly strong girl, supporting her Mum (who doesn't speak much English) and pretty much organising the entire funeral herself. She's so selfless and such an incredible girl... Life is cruel.

Second bit of bad news... And the main reason why I haven't updated recently is that my boyfriend has dropped out of university and is moving back to his home town an hour and a half away on Sunday. To say that I'm devastated would be an understatement - it doesn't feel real. Seems like whenever I get anything good it's taken from me. We're staying together and he's going to come and see me at the weekends/I'll go to him but it won't be the same. He's had a lot of trouble with his family (mainly his Dad, who from what I have been told is an abusive, alcoholic prick) and is really stressed right now. We've been arguing a fair bit, because we're both so upset by the news and are trying to make it easier on ourselves... yay for the human brain, eh? Push away the pain rather than deal with it. Anyway. I haven't been to the gym or restricted since I heard the news purely because I don't have the energy to consume my thoughts with it. We've sworn that we'll try our hardest to stay together and I hope to God we can make it work but it's going to be a big change. We spend every day with each other now... so not being able to see him for two weeks is going to be a shock. He's my support, he's why I gave up cutting (or at least why I try to give up cutting), he's the face I see when I wake up in the morning and the last one I see at night, he makes me laugh, smile and feel complete, he's my world. He means so much to me. It's not good to be dependant on someone but right now he's what I need. Sigh.

Thirdly, we've had to make several changes to our cheerleading routine as two people aren't going to be competing with us any more (one flyer has left completely - fantastic two weeks before comp! and a front base is out injured) with the competition looming over us. Practises are getting frantic, our coach is getting a shorter fuse by the day and mistakes are happening left right and centre; one of the flyers got concussion last week as there was confusion between whether or not the stunt was a toss or a prep/cradle and she got dropped on her head. We're all worried and wondering how we're going to do it when the majority of us don't know the stunts properly and haven't practised them in ages. It may be an epic fail.

Fourthly, I've come off my meds and started counselling again. I need to go back to the drs as I missed my appointment this week to see if I can try another AD but I'm not holding out much hope. I didn't think the Sert. had much effect but tbh since coming off of it I've noticed the black pit of pain opening in my stomach again. I wish it was gone. At least those drugs took away the constant state of :*( that I'm now in.

I can't think of a lot else. I know I promised thinspo and pictures of me in the last post, but I haven't got any and I don't have the energy to go and find some. After I've recovered from Sunday I'll start posting more, start gymming and restricting more (I'm thinking about doing the ABC diet) and start being more positive. Peace out guys x

...Hey

Feeling incredibly sheepish today. Gosh, the last few days have been a rollercoaster!

First off, and I guess rather importantly, I'm ok. I'm safe, I'm at home, I'm in a decent mood tonight! Got lots of things to sort out - my room is a tip, my washing up needs doing and I have a pile of washing to do; but it's good because my flat is going to be pretty empty tonight as people are going out.

I'll start with my last post. I'm very sorry if I worried anybody with it. I'm still here, I predict I will be around for a long time despite my intentions! Wednesday night was not great for me. Decided to go for a 'quick drink' after cheerleading and ended up getting incredibly drunk, running around my apartment block with my flatmates chasing me, told my boyfriend to leave me alone and never contact me again, tried to kill myself a fair few times. He stopped me. Looking back it was probably the worst set of suicide attempts ever because all I had was 14 sertraline tablets (which a quick google tells me isn't enough to even kill a rat, let alone a heffer like me!) and a packet of paracetamol. Dickhead, eh?! Well, after sending my boyfriend a lovely suicide note by text, I eventually had to let him back in or he was going to phone people and he held me as I fell asleep sobbing my eyes out. Yay me.

Thursday was a bit of a fail day, meant to spend it revising for my exam on Friday morning but let's just say it didn't go well. I was still awake at 3am when my boyfriend called me to say he was drunk and coming over - ok! I didn't get to sleep til 5am, I was ten minutes late for my exam. It was awful. I will be very surprised if I pass the module. Needless to say I am not confident!

Anyway. Decided to have a nap and then pop down town before starting to get ready to go out - Because I was tired I didn't have a long nap, and town was amazing! Bought two new tops, new boots, new socks, new belt. Good stuff. Spent far too much money but hey ;) Got back to mine and tried the outfit on (got a picture for y'all :)), then got a small dinner and got ready. Got to the first club - a cocktail bar - at about 10, started to drink... And didn't stop. In all, bearing in mind I had no entry fees to pay as the first club was free entry and the second was a ticket event that I'd prepaid for, I spent nearly £55. That's an awfully large amount of money. In my estimation, I had... 8/9 cocktails, 3 jaegerbombs, two shots, 9 bottles of alcopops. I passed out on the way home. Nearly got hypothermia; hit a paramedic and my boyfriend repeatedly and threw up on myself and my new top. The paramedic noticed my self harm cuts and now my flatmate knows about them too. I feel like an awful person. Got shipped in an ambulance to A+E where they warmed me up and scolded me for a being a dick. Got back to my flat early this morning and showered as I smelt like sick (I still do, despite two hot showers) and got scolded by all my flatmates. Fair play.

My new top is salvageable, I think, and my new boots need a clean... My jeans are horrible, so dirty and sick smelling. Eurgh. I am disgusting.

Lesson learnt.

Pictures coming in the next post, thinspo and a few pictures of - shock! - me if I can get my card reader to work!

Peace out x

Fuck it.

I'm done. Lovely knowing you all <3 Peace and love. Take care and I hope you all reach the highest heights you can obtain. Never forget how awesome you are. xxx

Up and down

The gym is a hell of a lot harder than it seems! I still leave every session feeling like I should have worked harder and am a lard arse though. Which sucks. I thought exercise was meant to make you feel good? My boyfriend has shown me how to use weights, so I'm going to start working my arms. I want rid of my bingo wings and to tone my biceps more!

I have been eating like a horse recently, I blame my period. I always seem to be indescribably hungry when I'm on it, and nothing fills me up - not even water. If I bulk drink water, I just end up feeling sick but still hungry. Retarded.

Revision for my exam isn't going well. I'm sorry guys, I'll update properly on Saturday morning after my exam is done and the post exam drinking session is over. Peace out.

Relapse.

Self harmed.

Feel pathetic.

Binged.

Feel fat.

Hate myself.

Oh drugs, how I love thee.

My head is all fuzzy and horrible today, must be the dose increase. I'm getting some pretty bad paranoia feelings as well, spent a good hour last night debating whether or not the university was plotting to kill me in my sleep by way of poisoning the air coming out of my heater :/ Eurgh. And wow. Just an afterthought but these things seriously zombie me out... Before I took my pills this evening, I was going on fine with my revision, getting it all sorted, and now I'm just staring into space.

Getting some revision done today, not done too badly, got one lecture sorted, only 11 to go by 9am next Friday! Eeek. Oh well.

Today I've eaten a small baked potato with coleslaw on, a pepper stuffed with couscous and feta cheese and drank a skinny iced vanilla latte (small) from Costa. Not sure if I'll eat again tonight.

Having a bit of a pregnancy scare atm. I've done a test (on Wednesday) which came up negative, but I still haven't got my period - over a week late now. Feeling a bit paranoid about that too.

Shattered

(Sorry, it starts intake/output heavy!)
1 hour in the gym...
40 minutes running - 270 calories burnt.
20 minutes cross trainer - 200 calories burnt.
Induction, 5 minute play on the bike and 10 minutes on the runner - 30 calories burnt.
Total 500 calories!

Intake for today:
1 small slice of cheese on toast
1 bowl of Quaker oats (golden syrup flavour, made with water)
2 Quorn fillets, fried with a red pepper, noodles, soy sauce and bean sprouts
1 rice cake
Total - 850 calories

Net total - 350 calories

Sweeeeeeeeeet! Can't decide whether to have a light snack or not now, lol!

I'm shattered now, and sweating like a pig, lol. Gonna hop in the shower and go for a walk with the boy but first some thinspo, today we're going to stay with fitness and go for some 'fitspo',

Post GP visit musing

Why do I always lie to the doctor?

Off the top of my head, today I told at least 10 lies when I went in. I was only there for five minutes. I lied about:
- Wanting to S/H
- My eating pattern
- How my christmas was
- That I'd got in touch with the counselling service
- I didn't want to kill myself
- I don't think the drugs are having any effect (I do, I just don't think it's a positive one, and I know for certain if I said it was a negative effect they'd switch them)
- That I occasionally have happy days
- That I'm still functioning well*
- That I think it's a good idea to keep increasing my dosage
- That I'm happy taking these drugs all the freaking time.

*(Aside from today, when I've been very good and productive, I have absolutely failed over the last week. Today I have done all my washing, done all my washing up, have a gym induction, am planning some revision and have been to the doctors, more than I've done collectively since Christmas really)

It's just a thing, I can't go into a doctors office and tell them the truth, I don't know whether it's partly because I'm worried they'll say my biggest fear - 'You should try being an inpatient...' or if they'll laugh at me or what. I dunno. It's just horrible, I have all these things I want to say... Fuck it, I've got a word document planning it all out, suicide notes and songs I want at my funeral, the amount of drugs I need to get and where to do it! If that's not a bad thing then I don't know what is. Sigh.

Tea tonight was going to be cous cous stuffed peppers but I need to eat up my stir fry veg so I'm going to do a massive bowl of that and freeze some of it. I'll post again later with some thinspo and how the gym went. Peace out girls x

Mmm, porridge!

Lol! Porridge for lunch :) Made with water this time so only 120 calories a bowl, I won't eat the entire thing though. Breakfast was cheese on toast :D 1 slice of bread and heaps of cheese... Nom. I'm doing cous cous stuffed peppers for tea tonight.

Only a short post, but I was wondering if anyone had any good vegetarian recipes that are low cal and easy to make? I'm a little bit stuck tbh.

The 'back on track' starts tomorrow!

Not really got a decent title for this one! I'm just going to type out my stream of conciousness. It's probably going to be long and rather boring, I'm afraid, but I promise some lovely thinspo at the end!

Today started rather badly. I was meant to be up before 8am so I could phone the doctors and get an appointment but I slept in til midday. I went down town with my boyfriend and got some lunch (2 fried eggs and 3 hash browns), a few DVDs and my favourite thing of the day; a paint by numbers kit! I'm hoping that it'll be a nice distraction when I'm feeling down and will stop me from binging/self harming/planning my suicide (never a good thing >.<) AND IT HAS KITTENS ON. OMFG. Yeah. I'm so damn cool! And my lovely friend informed me that her step dad isn't doing so well (see previous post) :( so a little bit of worry and hectic running around there to sort some things out for her. It's the least I can do.

Anyway... I ate tortillas for dinner (2 Quorn breasts, 94cal, 3 tortillas, 300 cal, cheese and sauce about 100 cal) so I'm pretty happy that I haven't gone much over 1000 cal today, and I burned off a fair amount with shopping and tidying my room. Very happy to have a tidy room! I think I'm going to drag my BF out in a bit for a late night walk as I'm feeling a bit heavy from dinner - we didn't eat until late. I'm craving a bowl of porridge like a bitch... I might have to have one! I've done a lot of my painting by numbers though and I'm watching another episode of ANTM atm so it should stave me off. I have Quaker Oats, prepackaged, and only 120 calories per bowl if made with water - awesome! Technically I could 'afford' some - I'm only trying to stay under 1200 calories - but I dunno if it's worth giving into the temptation?

And the best news of today, I have joined the gym! My induction is tomorrow at quarter past 8 in the evening, it takes about 30 minutes then I get a 'free' session in the gym, so I'll probably be there until it closes at 10 :D Going to just start slow with 30 minutes on the treadmill and 20 on the bike, then in a few weeks I'll take it up to 45 minutes on the treadmill, 30 on bike and some more weight/toning style exercises. I'm aiming to be able to walk up 'Bitch hill' (a very, very steep hill in my uni town) without being out of breath by the summer, lose some weight and lose some inches so I look good in my cheerleading outfit and summer clothes!

Another random thing is that I love lava lamps. No, I just love lighting! I bought some fairy lights in the sale after christmas and have stuck them around my shelves and I got given a lava lamp for christmas... I can sit here for ages just watching it. It's so pretty.

I have an exam next Friday that I haven't revised for yet, and didn't go to any of the lectures for so I'm a bit stressed by that :( But tomorrow I plan to go to the doctors, do my washing and get a decent start on revision. That means going to bed early tonight!

Now, here's your thinspo that you so deserve! :) Today, it's all from Lookbook.nu.

(I seriously want this... everything! Stunning!)

I'm not religious but if you are...

I don't normally do this, I'm sorry but I'd be very grateful if anyone who's religious could hold someone in their prayers for me over the next few weeks.

My good friend from back home is going with her mum and her step dad in an ambulance 60 miles across country in order to move her step dad to a better hospital with better respiratory facilities. He was a previously fit and healthy 50 something man who had promised to take her to see her Aunts horses in the near future when the snow had gone and was teaching her to drive in his car. Last Tuesday, for no apparent reason his lungs collapsed and he was rushed to hospital. After spending a week in an intensive care unit, he has made no improvement and today is even starting to go down a bit. He needs to be in a hospital that can fully provide for him with their resources - Our local just can't do it. The new hospital is 60 miles away from home. Neither her or her mum can drive so I have no idea how they'll be doing it, as they were told today that if he doesn't improve over the next few days, he never will. The journey is treacherous and they're worried that he might go on the way to the new hospital. So please, hold him in your thoughts tonight. Thank you

xx

Oh the little things

are the worst ones that drag you down, am I right?

General normal conversation with the boy just now, over MSN:
Him: I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow, been piling on the pounds lol
Me: Yeah, that's a plan, I'm going to finally join it tomorrow and book my induction. Need to go back to the Drs* as well :(... I'll do that tomorrow too
Him: Good stuff, you gonna start gyming?
Me: Yeah, wanna lose some weight and tone up, about a stone
Him: A stone? How much do you weigh at the moment?
Me: 10 stone.
Him: So you want to be 9?
Me: Mmmhmm, or ideally 8 and a half, dunno yet.
Him: 9 is skinny for you, you won't get there.
Me: I'm gonna try :)
Him: Well stop eating then lard arse :p
Me: (Inward face palm) Already on it...
Him: Lol, I love your chubbiness! Don't lose it all :p
Me: I hate it... :(

Well, ok that wasn't exactly it. But it's just made me feel like shit - I know he likes my body but I can not stress enough how much I hate it right now. It's fucking vile. I'm watching the second to last season of ANTM and just lusting after these girls bodies... Especially Jessica... she's perfection! I know he didn't mean it in the way he did but for me it's been a big trigger. So, tomorrow, fat arse Merla is gone and I'm starting a three day fast. Fucking bring it.

*I hate going to the Drs but I need a prescription refill :( He's going to ask how the drugs have been going and I'll either lie and say there's no difference or I'll lie and say they're working. No fucking way I'm telling him about the weight issues or the SH urges or that I spent the entire evening the other day sobbing in my boyfriends arms begging him to forgive me if I did kill myself. No fucking way.

Some thinspo, ANTM style!

Another stunning girl; Danielle, winner of cycle 6

Clark Gilmer

I need these shoes - Erin Wagner

And finally, Analeigh Tipton

Hell

Trapped in a vicious cycle.

Need to get over 3000 words written before 5pm tomorrow. Yes, the 5pm that is in 25 hours 23 minutes away (at this time of writing). It's worth 25% of my only core module. That means if I don't get it in, I'm realistically crippling myself to having - not wanting, but having to gain 55% in the module through other means. This is done by weekly stats tests. I am not on track for this. If I fail this module, I won't be coming back next year for year two.

And all I can do is sit at my laptop and try not to cry, or stuff my face with food. Fucking reject.

Stress? Stress makes me want to cut. Or brand myself. Or do SOMETHING destructive.

In other news, I've gone veggie. It's... interesting. Not over-enamoured yet but it's stopping me from eating a load of junk all the time.

Sooooo, water weight?

I was moaning on PT the other day that I'd been doing a lot of work (restricting and exercising more as I was working 8+ hour days) yet my weight was staying stable at 142lbs. Wellll it would appear that phase is over as I am now 139.6! Woo, back in the 30s :) gonna work really hard to keep it down and keep moving forward. I want to be 130 by the end of February, my first cheerleading comp. The only problem is I don't have a working scale at uni, so I'm trying to figure out what to do in that sense. I need to start taking measurements but I don't have a clue where to measure! I'm quite worried that it's all water weight though :/ I just hope that it isn't. Haven't really been able to exercise this last week which is annoying but when I get back to uni on Saturday my first thing to do is join the gym :)

No thinspo today I'm afraid because of the cold making me feel like shit, and I can't be bothered trawling for it, I'd rather just nap instead :p But I'll post some soon. Maybe a bumper thinspo post in on the cards?

On the same note, what's your favourite site for thinspo? I love lookbook.nu even though it's mainly the clothes and outfits! And I enjoy browsing xanga/blog sites for them... Need some new ones though.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Sorry I haven't updated much recently. I'll update more in the new year.


Have a good christmas everyone :) Peace and love


<3 x

Gragghhh

*Bangs head into desk*

I am an utter life fail.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate that I have no courage any more.

I hate that I have no conviction.

I hate that I don't follow through with what I say.

I hate that I push people away when I need them the most.

I hate that I'm curious and will push an issue when it's clear that the other person doesn't want to talk about it.

I hate that I'm a hypocrite.

I hate that the new drugs have taken my emotions.

I hate that I don't even want to S/H any more because fuck it, it made me feel good.

I hate that I doubt him and his intentions.

I hate that Christmas is coming.

I hate being alive.

I hate being fat.

I hate that he likes my body.

10 things

About me. Stolen shamelessly from danae's blog via Patience's blog.

10 rather uninteresting facts about me...
1) I've always wanted to spend my life helping people. I've toyed with the idea of being a nurse, a paramedic, a doctor (too boring, lol), a psychiatrist, a therapist. I've now settled on an eating disorders counsellor. Odd. I think my mental health though might be the only thing to stop me.
2) I'm originally from London, but I currently reside in Wales.
3) I love dairy. Like, seriously. I would die without it - it makes up far too much of my diet.
4) I get obsessed with things like sports or TV shows or books randomly for a month or two, then I drop them and spend a year not even bothering with them before going back again.
5) I can't draw to save my life but I love it and I wish I could.
6) A guy who can play an instrument is incredibly sexy. Especially if it's classical piano.
7) My favourite animals are horses and foxes. No, I don't support fox hunting.
8) I hate people touching my knees and my back. Argh. Makes me shiver to think of it!
9) I used to be a dancer, I gave it up for horse riding as my parents said I could get a horse on loan if I stopped (they couldn't afford both). The horse never appeared, and I lost the one thing I was fairly decent at.
10) I like writing lists, it's the best procrastination method ever!

Go on, if you haven't done it already, do it!

Busted scales

Aren't busted scales lovely?
I walked in to an irate flatmate yesterday. She'd been home for the weekend and weighed herself on her parents scales - they read half a stone heavier than mine at uni do. Oops.
I don't trust my scales at all! My other flatmate has some electronic ones but they only weigh in KG. I hate KG.
Weight today: 10 stone dead. BMI: 22.6
(Having had lunch - a potato waffle with a shit load of cheese on - and a coffee already, as I got up late)
Not good enough! Circuits tonight, should be good. Not sure when to eat? I've got half a tin of spaghetti in the fridge, so I'll have that, probably with some toast.
I'm thinking about following the ABC until I go home for christmas... Hmm. Or some other diet? I don't want to lose too much, just want to be 132lbs (my lowest weight to date) by Christmas Day - any more and I get family bitching at me.
I also have a dilemma; I need to measure myself for my cheerleading uniform but if I do it now - at hopefully what is a higher weight, it won't fit come February and the competitions. Hmm.

Zombie brain fog

Eurghhhh.
The zombie brain fog has started. I got up nearly two hours ago and so far I have - put a dressing gown on, made a cup of tea, toasted a slice of bread (which I ate two bites of because it tasted rank and I couldn't eat it properly from lack of saliva, nice; so guess today will be standing at that...) sat on a chair, listened to music, said goodbye to my boyfriend and relocated to my bedroom. I can't think straight, everything is a massive effort, I feel really spacey and if I stand up for too long I get dizzy. If I lie down for too long I start to feel really sick.
I had work I needed to do today but I don't think that's going to happen.
I've noticed that I'm getting more anxious and starting to worry and panic about things that would never have bothered me before; last night I lay in bed and was having a panic about cheerleading tomorrow as I don't know the dance and can't do the stunts. It doesn't matter; we've only just started learning them, but still - apparently logic doesn't matter to my brain.
According to my busted scales that I don't trust, I've hit 10stone (140lbs) :) Small positives! Being 134lbs or below before Christmas seems more attainable now. We were going to go to boxercise last night but we got there and the instructor told us it was for people who'd been before only, so we got turned away. Sigh. Circuits on Monday though.

Eurgh, I feel like crap.

A lot has happened since I last posted.
I self harmed again. That's a biggy, I guess. Went for my thigh this time as I'm going home in two weeks and it's pretty much the only part of me that my parents won't be looking at. Also, it seemed easier to 'work on' - well, yes it was. The cuts are much deeper than normal. I'm very lucky not to have got too far down. It was that or jump off a bridge into the ocean... Sounds dramatic but Tuesday night was long and far too reminiscent of the night I OD'ed the second time. There was planning and note writing involved. Not good. In the end I settled for going at my leg and waiting til morning to see if my feelings changed.
Yesterday, the day after, I went to the doctors. We had a long chat about killing myself would be damn stupid and how I have to actually put some work into recovering - I can't just chuck a pill down my neck once a day and hope that it works somehow. So, in a blackmail, black market kind of deal, I've been put on Sertraline on the condition that I reapply for counselling. Yay. The email has been sent; I'm very much hoping that they'll say the waiting list is too long and I can't come back. The GP said if that happens then I'll have to go down to the MH team in town which is a trek though.
The new pills are making me very tired, I can't think straight and I feel somewhat like a zombie. I spent the last 24 hours feeling very nauseous and with a cracking headache, which I can feel coming back again. I keep spacing out and my mouth is like the Sahara. Yay me.
However...
My appetite has pretty much gone :p :D

Pig

Just can't stop stuffing my face.
I can't stop the S/H urges either.

If there wasn't so much at stake... i.e. him... I wouldn't be holding back. I crave SH right now.

Fuck it all

All my life is is one mistake after another. One screw up then another. One wrong word and then another. I can't do anything right and I just push away the people I love. I can't live like this forever, I don't know what to do any more.


GP phone call tomorrow I think :*(

Having a couple of days break...

New diet - 2468 diet - starts in all earnest on Monday. Until then I'm just going to watch what I eat and drink this weekend, as I'm going to a friends house and it's unfair to force my diet habits on them. 

Long train journey mind. Sigh. 


I <3 this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNka92lzNpM

Bleh

That's all I have for today. Just bleh. Exam stress again.
Did ok for eating, stayed under 700 then pigged out again when I was revising. In my defence... fuck it, I don't have a defence.
I'm going to bed.

Learnt that lesson..

Don't leave your thinspo files in full view on your computer, people will find them. Sigh. Nothing's been mentioned though it's clear that the entire folder (which is a sub folder in a folder of pictures of me for progress) has been looked through... Eep. My fault for forgetting to hide it! ¬.¬
Anyway. Good day today :) Did a full three hours of cheerleading (I'm on the all girls team now :D Like I said before, it's not as serious as American cheerleading but we do games, pom dance and competition squad; I'll be doing as much as I can as I love it!)
Food wise, been very good today, sitting at about 650 calories and I'm more than happy with that :) Avoided eating all afternoon as I was at try-outs, and then I had half a kiev and a potato waffle with cheese on (I really must stop eating so much of it...) for tea. Two malted milks and a hot chocolate - Options, 40 cal - later and I'm done for the day. More than happy. Done lots of exercise and been out with my flatmates taking light photography, which didn't work particularly well but was cold and energetic so I'm ok with it. And it stopped me sitting in and just eating! 
Still incredibly stressed about tomorrow, Tuesday and Thursday though. I hate exams. So much pressure.
Woo...

Carb Binge

Yay. Spent the last 3 hours chain eating carbs. Go me. 


Twat.


And all this exam stress is making me want to cut again. 

A mixed bag

Yesterday and today have been mixed bags really.


Yesterday was going great. I had two pieces of brown bread with Philadelphia light on for lunch and then stopped eating. I then... unfortunately... started drinking. Cider. Sweet cider. Toffee apple flavour to be precise! I'm estimating that I had at least 4 bottles, I opened 5 but I think at least one of them got drunk by my BF/spilt on me/spilt on the floor/tipped away as I'd got a bit light headed. I also had a cherry bomb in the club we went to but I'm not going to count that. Then, in true drunken madness style, I went to a fish and chip shop at the end of the night and ordered chips, cheese and gravy. What can I say? It was a stressful evening out! Some guy tried to start on two of my flatmates which sent me off into a panic so I didn't really have a chance to relax and enjoy the evening as I should have. I can not stand fighting, especially not fighting just for the sake of it, which is what he was going for. Literally, no joke, he was totally unprovoked in trying to start on my friends. I don't trust people in clubs any more. So yeah.


Yesterday was going well until the drinking started. After that, I reckon I went from 250 calories for the day to over 1600. My daily goal on MyPlate is under 1200, my personal goal is under 800. I feel sickened at myself. I didn't eat all the chips - only about half - but they were a big portion and COVERED in cheese and gravy sauce. How I managed to get it down my throat without throwing up I don't know. Disgusting. 


Anyway. Today has been good. Spent the morning in bed with the boy, spent the afternoon in the kitchen. He cooked us a lunch of sausages in rolls with cheese, very nommy. I also had the rest of the spaghetti that I opened the other night with some cheese in it. I really need to stop eating cheese! And a cup of tea. Mmmm tea. That's me done for the day! MyPlate says I've consumed 869 calories from that lot but it seems awfully high? Mmm I dunno. Who knows! I haven't had a chance to do any exercise yet but I need to go through the cheer dance a few times and then I'll do my stretches etc. But first I need to finish my revision! Exam on Tuesday and I've only been through a fifth of the content so far. It should take my mind off of food and last nights events though so I don't mind. Plus I love my subject and the stuff that I'm revising so it's not too much of a hard ship! 


I have cheerleading 'try outs' tomorrow (note, as I'm UK based and at university, it's not as stressful or competitive as the American side of things) - basically to put us all on a competition squad if we're good enough. I hope I am. Tumbling and dancing I can do; the stunting scares me. Eep.


Keep on trucking:

Remember, remember

the fifth of November, 
gun powder, treason and plot.


I love this time of year. Time to wrap up warm, grab a nice hot cup of tea and bunker down. 

Turns out blogging is harder work than it seems

...As is staying on track. Sigh.

I blame the hormones; they are my excuse for the last week. I cut again. 70 days in recovery and I relapsed like a bitch. Horrible. At least three of them are definitely going to scar so that's going to suck! Oh well. Moving on.

Food wise I've been eating like a pig for the last week. Again, this is blatantly due to hormones. I always get hungry the week before my period arrives. Yay me! Double bloating. Sigh. Butttt generally I get 3 weeks out of 4 where I can control myself and either restrict or just not eat so it's all good :) Today I've done pretty well and stayed under 1000 calories, even having a can of Fanta (I normally only drink diet soft drinks; I have 5 cans of Fanta Fruit Twist left that are my 'rewards' today I've had one for not eating more than 600 calories).

A few rules:

I will no longer eat solid food between the hours of 6pm and 8am.

I will now only drink once a week. Clear spirits only.

I will no longer sit and eat an entire packet of chocolate fingers in half an hour.

I will only eat chocolate/crisps/sweets/anything not healthy when I cannot get out of it.

I will no longer buy the above.

I will do my stretches every day at some point.

Thinspo time: