Isn't it funny?

I hate uni, I hate the work and the distance from home. Being away from my boyfriend and shivering in my room cos I can't afford heating...

But I love my uni house.

Sure it's cold, sure it's full of damp, sure it's expensive. But the people are amazing and funny and so so friendly. It's five minutes from my lectures, five minutes from the supermarket and a brisk 8 minutes from the gym. It's so nice to live with people who aren't back stabbing and snide all the time.

I still can't wait for it to be over though.

13 days until I go home...

Can not freaking wait.

Have no money for Christmas presents. I have my BFs sorted, I have half my parents kinda sorted, I need to buy my sisters, and my future brother in laws, and an online SS (which needs to be posted soon, shit) and eurgh. I just don't care this year tbh. It's just effort. And my Dad won't be here on Christmas day, which upsets me.

Bored. Of life. Of everything.

Feel like some thinspo.

I don't write much any more.

I don't have much to say.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I wish it'd stay.

Frustrations

- I've been sleeping in really badly recently; since Friday I've woken up past midday every single day and have missed three morning appointments now because of it.

- One of these appointments was a lecture and the only person I know in said lecture is refusing to let me borrow her notes because I'm 'just lazy'.

- Without these notes, and without the note from the doctor this morning, I am officially set to fail my third year of uni and graduate without a degree

- It's only fucking week 3 of year 3. And I'm screwing it up.

I'm so scared of myself right now

I know the scales are bad. I know I shouldn't care what they say. I even know that they can say different things depending on carpet, placement in the room (floorboards), fuck it, even temperature can affect them. I know that my bedroom has a very odd carpet and very uneven floorboards.

So why do I fucking weigh myself and get upset at the results?

Apparently I've gained 1stone in 3 weeks, even though I've restricted heavily, fasted a few days and been to the gym at least twice a week.

So I've been sitting in bed for the last hour crying. This feels like an impossible journey. Every time I try to do this I end up failing. I'm sick of it. I was thinking the other day about how my face looks thinner... not massively but a little bit. But clearly it can't if I've put a stone on.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Oh, and I've relapsed with self harm, so yea, that's back on the agenda. I'm a massive life fail right now. All I do is sleep; eat a small amount (and even then, only a few things, it's not like I'm stuffing bags of crisps and chocolate down my throat, ffs); drink tea; go to the gym; and attempt to get to my lectures. I'm past caring about uni. I just want to go home.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you...

Have I used that as a title before? It feels like I have. I'll never admit it aloud but Yellow and The Scientist are two of my favourite songs...

All that is on my mind right now - OmgIreallydon'twanttogobacktouni and Holyfuckingshittheoutsideworldisfartooscarytoassociatewith.

Neurgh.

I really don't want to go :( I feel like I'm on a moutain side again, with the mountain slowly slipping away under my feet as I try to turn and run (unsuccessfully) so all I can do is wait for the abyss to swallow me up.

God I need to stop looking back

I'll say it time and again but I never do it... Meh.

I was happier when I was 18, didn't have a boyfriend, was overweight, self harmed every week and was pretty much failing at life than I am now at 22, with a boyfriend, losing weight, out of self harming and going into my final year of my degree.

Go fucking figure.

Comparison...

Do you see any difference between? What weight difference do you think there is in them?

I promised myself a while ago I wouldn't do these pictures any more but - I've been crying all morning because what I saw on the scale doesn't translate for me. Found the pictures on the left of the two above and cried some more because I see the same body in all four of these photos.

So lonely :( BF had to go back to his home town yesterday because some fuck decided stabbing his best mate in the stomach was a good way to settle an argument... Jesus wept. His friend is ok, in hospital for the next week but still. Wtf. I've been sat around pretending to have a life and that I'm ok and not itching in my skin wanting to cut it to shreds because of well, it's the only thing that would convince me this life is real. 

I can't though, what kind of feeling would my BF have if he came back and found I'd done that? It's tough enough on him right now. Sigh. Soldier on.